A thoughtful look though of my life

On Monday at 11:18pm EST on February 19th in 1973 I was born. It's now 11:30pm EST on Thursday February 19th 2009.

As I sit here I wonder why... why I'm still here. What have I accomplished. What mark did I leave. And I realize that the answer to all is nothing.

It's dark where I am... inside my head. I can't remember when the light was seen last.

I feel like I'm smothering... literally and figuratively. Like I'm caught under a blanket and things just keep piling on top of me. I think I can get a hand free but something else covers it. A foot breaks loose only to become entangled again.

I feel numb, empty and lost... lost through the cracks of my life. I sit and even with the words flowing from my hand... it doesn't abate; this darkness, numbness. It just closes in tighter.

I have been trying to stay afloat but the body grows weak and the mind is tired. Each day what little ground I gain is lost by the next dawn.

I hope as I type that I can gain strength by saying the words 'aloud' but its not working.

I'm tired... I'm tired of having to put a front for my family, my friends, strangers on the street. When I'm alone I can just be and not have to be something that someone excepts me to be.

I see the notices via my trillian showing me that my friends are doing something on facebook but I'm even tired of putting on the happy face there too. The IC I've long since abandoned... It takes too much energy to interact in almost real time there and facebook is starting to become the same way. its too much to handle

The only reason I have been able to hold one this long is my mom. She doesn't need to have to worry about me more than she already is. She has been my rock but even know thats not always working. Its just too hard.

I want to say goodbye so much but I'm afraid that I am too much of a coward to go through with anything. What's beyond this?

The weight is growing heavier on my shoulders...

My marriage is over for all intense proposes. Ron and I ceased being husband and wife a long time ago... Its more know like babysitter and child. I look at him and can't feel anything anymore. I can say those words and there is nothing behind them; no feeling. That's not fair to him.

I say those words to my mother and there isn't anything there either. Thats not fair to her either.

I have ceased to feel anything but pain, suffering, and loneliness. I can be sitting at the dinner table and feel like I'm all alone in the room. In fact that is what my life feels like... I'm shouting at the top of my lungs in a room full of people and no one hears me. They might walk by with a smile but they keep going on about their lives like I'm not even there. Maybe sometimes they stop to talk but they hear what they want and I'm frustrated because they don't or won't understand.

As I type I know I should go wake up mom but I am afraid that if I get to a hospital they will just say that I'm okay for now and to see my therapist in the morning. I would but I don't have one... she's on leave for a month and even then I've only seen her once.

What do I do .....

Posted on February 19th, 2009 at 11:51pm


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