some kind of writing, at least

I don't write much anymore. I feel sort of distanced from it, like I'm scared to feel something, or confirm it, I guess.
I am in love though. Not like I wrote in my previous entry, I think that was mere infatuation. I know, it all sounds a bit hypocritical, coming from my mouth. I can't make it sound legit anymore.
I don't even know what I feel is really legit and what isn't. I don't even know why I'm rambling on about legitimacy, when I'm really wanting to talk about love.
See, here come those real feelings. The ones I'm always too scared to write or talk about.
Yeah, of course I am in love. In love with a German boy. He's a foreign exchange student at my school. His name is Johannes, and I love him. I sort of feel like it was love at first sight (cliche..?!) because as soon as I first saw him in my history class, I liked his looks. I was attracted to him. I just thought he was a new student, but the teacher had called on him when he raised his hand and he had a thick accent, so.. I figured he was most likely a foreign exchange student. That didn't change what I felt though.. Probably just increased my infatuation that much more. Of course, this was the first day of school. Before all my suicide crap (that I'm not getting into).
After I was out of rehab and whatnot, I ended up seeing this other boy, Dustin. He was nice. Really shy. I met him over facebook. I know, it was sort of risky to do something like that. But he was not a psycho like I thought. Well, not at first, anyway. I started seeing him more, and we ended up dating after we had only known each other for two days. Sort of dumb, since we were still really awkward, and didn't know a whole lot about each other.
We ended up doing stupid shit anyway, going over to his friend's house and drinking. I ended up having his friend pierce my lip, which I liked, but.. it was pierced with a safety pin, and the hole wasn't big enough for any studs to fit in, so he had to REpierce it, which damn near made me pass out.
Anyway, I don't need to get into depth in our relationship. Basically, I just felt no sparks.
But I still hadn't mustered up the courage to talk to Johannes. I was scared. I didn't want to make a moron of myself because I figured I wouldn't really understand what he was saying. So I just sort of stared at him, wishing I could say something. And still dating Dustin, not feeling anything real with him. It was dull. Maybe he was a dull person, or something. But I never felt it. We'd only been together for about a couple months, and it was around Homecoming when I started talking to Johannes. I was SO fucking happy that I finally broke the ice between us. I always caught him sneaking glances at me, so I figured he at least wanted to say something to me. During Homecoming week, when it was Rockstar day, he had a ridiculously long wig on, and a girly white hat, so since I'd already been taking pictures of my other friends, I cleverly called him over and told him I wanted to take his picture, but he said if I got his picture, I had to let him take one of me (I hate people taking pictures of me, but you know, this was different..) so boom!
Just like that. We broke the ice. I was giddier than I can ever remember being. During the homecoming parade on Friday, I remember standing by him and not knowing what to say at all. He kept walking off with others, and I didn't want to tag along like a moron, so I stood there with my friend, who wasn't really paying attention to me anyway..
So just stood there, idly... And he came back, I'd sat down, just txting my sister, talking to my friend. I stood up to walk over to him, and he was sitting on the ground, and he wrapped himself around my leg and insisted that I walk while he was wrapped around me... and I didn't, so he started scooting his ass along the ground, trying to push me. I just felt awkward that he was so... clingy to me at that moment, but I was really happy too. I knew something had to happen between me and him. I had no idea if he felt the way I did for him at that time, but I knew I had to get rid of Dustin.
Nothing against Dustin, I just didn't even feel anything for him. Not fair to him for me to stick around when I have no strong feelings. Plus he's a bit of a weirdo anyway.
So it was Friday, the day before homecoming. And Saturday, when I went, of course I went with Dustin. Sucked horribly. He didn't dance at all, and I felt too awkward to dance with anyone else with him just sitting there. Johannes was there of course. I don't think he had a date, but he looked very nice. Of course I got a picture of us together, since I was infatuated with him, and.. like I said. He looked very good.
Dustin just sort of sat around. It was boring as hell. And afterward we went to my work to get some food, even though it was almost midnight.
Whatever.
I need to get to the good stuff. It was mid November, and I told Dustin I needed a break (sometimes my way of saying I want to break up, but not wanting to do it right at the moment because I hate hurting people's feelings). So we were on a break, whatever the hell that even is. It's like a line between breaking up, and not being broken up. Stringing him along because I'm too pussy to break up with him, to be blunt.
So one fine November day, I was staying after school to get some work done, and of course Johannes was too, just because his host family (the kids that go to the school) stay there doing.. whatever they do. So he had to leave, and I did shortly as well. After a certain time, around three forty ish, they turn off the lights in the halls, so it's usually pretty dark. I was standing by his locker, talking to him, smiling at him, waiting to give him a goodbye hug. (by this point in our friendship, I'd already strongly hinted at me liking him, thinking we should date, but he had me a little confused with what he was saying)
So I hugged him. And it started being too long to be just a friend hug. And his hands went to my waist, which definitely drew the line. And I knew what was going to happen, I could feel it between me and him. "You can't kiss me, you know," I said.
"I know." He was looking down and me, and I was staring at the floor, way too scared to look him in the eye, because I knew he would do it anyway. He stroked my face, and rested his hand under my chin, starting to lift if up to his gaze. I tried to resist, but I caved. I was staring at him.
"Look me in the eyes, and tell me you'd rather be with Dustin. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to date me." His eyes never left mine.
"I like you, Clare. I want to date you." He kissed me. I was panicked. WHAT DID I DO?! I HAD A BOYFRIEND. I'd never been kissed by a non boyfriend when I had a boyfriend... I felt like I was cheating... Though I was not doing the kissing. I did kiss back though. I was confused.
But it was the most passionate kiss I've ever had in my life. Ever. I was so freaked out afterward, but I just kind of knew that we should date. Though I was full of skeptics.
There was a weekend where he came over so we could work on a project we had for one of our classes. We didn't have any materials, really, so we just sort of sat there, writing a list for shit we needed. My dad was lazy, and went off to his room to go nap or whatever he does, and Laura went to go walk. So that left Jo and I alone. We were just talking, and he was joking about rape, so I just sort of blurted out how I had been. His eyes turned from joking to compassion so quickly... He was staring at me, stroking my hair, running his hand on my face. He gets this aching look in his eyes, that makes me swoon. We kept talking, and I sort of said I really didn't think things would work between us, since he was leaving and I had Dustin. I know I was just too scared to make the transition from us being just friends to a full blown, intense yet short relationship. I knew it would hurt. I still know it. I was getting aggravated with myself, I decided to go have a smoke. He followed me, talking to me, looking at my cigarette with disgust. His voice cracked, and his eyes looked watery. He went back inside. I cut my cigarette break short. I went in as well. Him and I were sitting by each other, saying nothing. Somehow, we ended up kissing. He initiated it. I didn't want to kiss back, but what could I do? I liked him a lot, I wanted his kisses. I was just in denial.
"Why do you kiss me if you say you don't want to be with me?" he asked, in between kisses.
"Because, you do it first.." I replied. He would lean in and kiss me harder, then ask me again. I'd reply the same. He'd kiss me harder, his hands exploring different places: hips, arms, legs.
It was a moment.
I love him.
That moment, it made me realize I could not push him away.
That moment, I felt love again.
I feel it now.
I love him.