home, the heart, depression.
How does one feel at home? I don't know. Can someone tell me please? Because I've lost all meaning of that term. How does one feel safe?
I've heard people talking about being held by a parent, a sibling, a boyfriend, a friend, whatever. And they feel at home. They feel safe. I don't even remember the last time I was held and cared about, genuinely. I don't remember the last time I felt okay and at home, or safe. I don't know who to turn to for those types of intense feelings.
No one has provided a hug for me where I feel like I'm wanted and cared about. jfc.
I've felt so god damn alone for so god damn long. I know there's people that are way worse off than myself but I can't not feel shitty because of that.
I've written so many damn blogs about how my life is terrible and I'm so lonely and so on. I don't know what to do. My heart feels like it's being wrenched.
I always fuck up. I always think I'm doing the right thing and I never am. NEVER. I don't remember the last time I made a decision that actually turned out for the better. And my life revolves around guys. Why, I'm not sure. It revolves around unstable, unreliable guys. And I get fucked over by them, always. Because I think they give a shit. And they don't, they fucking don't. I make them the center of everything, and they aren't returning the favour (which I don't blame them at all).
Then I feel like hanging myself. Because my mind works in a weird way. When I get dumped on my ass by a guy, I feel like they've died. In my head, that's how I see it. They're dead. And I can't get over them, because in my head, they've died.
If you've ever lost someone through death, you'd know how shitty it is. It hurts.
And they're all dead.
I've heard people talking about being held by a parent, a sibling, a boyfriend, a friend, whatever. And they feel at home. They feel safe. I don't even remember the last time I was held and cared about, genuinely. I don't remember the last time I felt okay and at home, or safe. I don't know who to turn to for those types of intense feelings.
No one has provided a hug for me where I feel like I'm wanted and cared about. jfc.
I've felt so god damn alone for so god damn long. I know there's people that are way worse off than myself but I can't not feel shitty because of that.
I've written so many damn blogs about how my life is terrible and I'm so lonely and so on. I don't know what to do. My heart feels like it's being wrenched.
I always fuck up. I always think I'm doing the right thing and I never am. NEVER. I don't remember the last time I made a decision that actually turned out for the better. And my life revolves around guys. Why, I'm not sure. It revolves around unstable, unreliable guys. And I get fucked over by them, always. Because I think they give a shit. And they don't, they fucking don't. I make them the center of everything, and they aren't returning the favour (which I don't blame them at all).
Then I feel like hanging myself. Because my mind works in a weird way. When I get dumped on my ass by a guy, I feel like they've died. In my head, that's how I see it. They're dead. And I can't get over them, because in my head, they've died.
If you've ever lost someone through death, you'd know how shitty it is. It hurts.
And they're all dead.
"the mystery of love is greater then the mystery of death"
truth is, when your alone and the world kicks you around and sh*ts all over you, you pick up a guitar and strum to whatever, and sing jibberish. at least that is my release. and im sure that was billy joe's release too, and so many others. you need a release. something that makes you forget all the sh*t.
STEVE
Thatscooliguess, June 2nd, 2009 at 06:17:10pm
I'm sorry :(
abnormalone2002, June 2nd, 2009 at 12:07:13am