f*ck my life.

I don't know what I want and its frustrating me. I do know I want to be happy. But how do I know which path I should take to get me there? I guess thats something we all figure out in time. I feel like I'm wasting time. I need a change but I can't find one. My life is going in circles. I got rid of Ryan to make myself happier...but now he's back in my life. At first it was because I liked his best friend. Then that failed and for some reason I'm still hanging around Ryan, possibly the worst person in my life, the worst example of what a man should be. Believe me he is far from a man. At 22 he is still living at home, playing CoD4 every day, working part time at KFC and worst of all spending a lot of time flirting with random girls on the internet to make them fall for him only to dump them for fun. Like he tried to do with me. Its kind of funny, though, how I'm still around after him trying his best to hurt me. Its been an entire year of putting up with his BS and now we are just friends. But why I am still his friend I have no clue. He's the most boring person in the world and a total dick. I used to label him as "insanely gorgeous" but in reality he has a big nose, big teeth, and eyes that pop out of his head. Sounds like a monster, lol. He isn't that bad. He has a great body and very pretty hair. Its sick though, he dyes his hair blond and straightens it. Last night he picked me up after work, took me to his house, and had me wait for him while he showered, blow dryed his hair, then straightened it. 10:00 at night. With absolutely no reason to impress me. He is ridiculous. Anyway, all that is useless information, I guess...Its just late and I'm rambling. Unfortunately my mind doesn't ever stop so my fingers fly across the keyboard endlessly. This blog is already too long for people to actually consider reading.

I've been thinking about the guys in my life. There's Ryan of course. Useless. Then there's Andrew. He is a leech for sure. One of the most attractive guys I know. If only his personality didn't suck so much. He is a total douchebag the majority of the time. Utterly ridiculous. Perverted. Disgusting. And RUDE. I don't know why I give him the time of day, honestly. Just a few days ago he decided to say I look like his ex girlfriend- only fatter and not as pretty. Wtf. No need for that. I brought it up to him the next day and he just goes "Oh Abbey you know I'm kidding, geez". He calls me every other day asking, no DEMANDING, that I come to his room to trade Magic cards or play Magic, or anything having to do with fucking MAGIC THE GATHERING, the stupidest hobby I have. I wouldn't mind so much if he didn't get so mad when I don't instantly come over. Like tonight for example. I haven't seen my room mate all weekend so we decided to have a girls night, read Cosmopolitan and watch Ever After. Andrew calls. I answer the phone and he says "What are you doing?" I say "Eating french fries". He goes "Where are you?" "In my room" "Come to my room" "Why?" "I have cards from the new Zendikar playset" "How did you get them, I thought they weren't out yet?" "The pre-release was yesterday" "Cool. I can't though, I'm hanging out with Anna." (Anna then yells "We're having a girls night!!!" "So. Come over!" "No Andrew I'm hanging out with Anna!!" He continues saying come over, I continue saying no. "You know what Abbey forget you" "Ok Andrew I'll see you tomorrow" "No you'll never see me ever again" "See you tomorrow Andrew. We'll hang out tomorrow" "I'm serious, you'll never see me ever again! Never again" I hang up. He's ridiculous. And I bet if I text him tomorrow he'll tell me to come over. If not tomorrow, he'll end up calling me the next day. You know why? He doesn't have anyone else. No one likes him cause he is a douche. Last time we hung out I was really upset about something. He is nice enough to ask me about it (surprisingly) and he randomly says "You know I'm here for you. I know I don't act like it but I am" then I say thanks and he starts in with "Is it normal for a girl to queef during sex? Cause I was having sex with this girl and she kept queefing and the condom broke." I say maybe she has an std cause that's kinda gross. He asks if I have ever had good sex and I laugh and say no and he says I wouldn't know then. I'm like, whatever Andrew. Thats nasty. Then I try to leave and I still have half a beer left and he makes me chug it so I don't waste it. Jerk. I then go smoke my menthol cigarettes (my original intention for leaving) and get a nice buzz. At 1 in the fucking morning. Thanks douche bag Andrew.

Then there's Eddie, Andrew's room mate. Last year I hung out with Eddie a lot and Andrew never unless we were with a group of people. This year its the other way around and I'm really disappointed. Eddie is probably the only nice guy I know. He used to walk me back to my dorm even if it was raining, snowing, the middle of the night, it didn't matter. Eddie is a total sweet heart. He is quiet, nice, funny, great smile...I had a huge crush on him last year. But the farthest I ever got with him was sitting really close in the dark playing a F.E.A.R. 2. Then the stupidest guy in the world, Chris McCoy, the one who wrecked my life, had to ruin it all when Eddie was about to walk me home dickhead comes back and refuses to let Eddie walk me home, makes me sound like a bad person for letting him, and walks me home himself and makes an ass out of himself when we get to my building by sleeping in the lobby because he didn't want to drive home. I hate him. Eddie randomly texted me during the summer but when I ended up texting him more than he texted me I stopped texting him first and he never texted again. When he saw me for the first time this semester he hugged me which was odd because Eddie never hugged me before. And now we only see each other when I'm in his room with Andrew. I'm too afraid to ask him to hang out with me for fear of rejection even though he came to my room one night to use a stapler after sitting outside talking to me for an hour very very late at night and saw that I bought Rockband and said we should play it sometime...I'm still too afraid to invite him over. Eddie is one person that could totally break my heart, so I'm keeping my distance. If something bad happened between us I would lose a lot of self esteem because I look up to and respect Eddie. He is the only good guy I know...and I know I don't really have a chance with him. Not that he really has girlfriends ever. He's just nice and I'm not good enough for him and I know that. He is a great guy...amazing runner, one of our star cross country runners...SUPER skinny...I wouldn't say he's the hottest person, but he is good looking despite his extremely bony figure. He's pretty skeletal. But extremely nice, like I said. I would do anything for a chance with him. Well I guess not because I don't even try for some reason. He's just too good for me.

I feel hopeless. How can I survive without love? Its been a year since someone actually loved me. Every other guy has used me and I know it. Not one of them cared. I just can't find someone who will care about me. They are all Andrews and Ryans. Jerks who only care about sex. Then there's Eddie and I'm too terrified to make a move. I guess I'll be stuck playing Magic and acting like I don't mind being one of the guys.