the past is coming back to haunt me...
I am really starting to hate myself. Like most nights, I played CoD4 with Ryan on Xbox Live tonight. Unlike most nights, I was overcome with lust for him. This hasn't happened in awhile seeing as how he fails to provide any sort of pleasure to me and he is a total dick... IDK if its hormones or what but I wanted him BAD. Not just physically. Emotionally too. Which is COMPLETELY rare since he usually has no personality for me to be attracted to. But tonight he was charming, funny, teasing in a good way...and one thing that really made me smile is when I got online he was already in a game with my friend from college who he has never met. I have played with them both in a room a couple of times and things always go well but I was so afraid that they wouldn't get along because Dorian really does dislike Ryan in real life after all the shit he put me through. But on Xbox they get along just fine which makes me very happy. Dorian is probably one of my best friends here and he is very protective of me and his other friends who are girls. He is also pretty amazing at CoD, almost as good as Ryan. Anyway, I wasn't thrilled to play CoD tonight because I was having a bad night and last night Ryan threw a fit and deleted me off of his friends list. He was being a total ASS last night. So I was pleasantly surprised to find them in a game together chatting up a storm. Unlike last night, Ryan actually paid attention to me. Of course Dorian did so that might have helped things along. But I think we are the perfect team, its really fun to play with them. But Ryan was tearing me apart because I LOVE it when he is in such a good mood, he is a great person and so fun to be around when he is like that and it is so rare. He's usually either in a normal, non talkative, shy type of mood or a really scarily quiet pissed off type of mood. Either way he's usually quiet cause he is a very quiet person. But days like today he is NORMAL. He makes jokes, talks a lot, teases, plays around, and smiles. And its days like this that I remember why I fell for him in the first place. It takes me all the way back to a year ago when we first met and he charmed me in the worst way, said all these nice things, talked to me for HOURS every day, like literally seven hours straight on msn, every night. But, there is a big difference now. He doesn't do the flirting thing because we don't really have a relationship left and if we did he knows he already has me. And he jokes around with me, something he never used to do. I like it so much when he is in this mood. I wish that was how he always was. Most of the time it takes a male friend to bring him into that mood. I think Ryan just doesn't know how to act around girls. But anyway...I really want to die when I start thinking like this. Ryan has only caused me pain. He was a great rebound from Austin and Chris, but that was pretty much it. He used me even more than I used him. And I let it last much longer than it should have. Now we are good friends. Well still we are good friends I should say because we were never officially more than friends. I know going back to him would be catastrophic. But tonight I longed for him, missed him, wanted him more than ANYTHING. I don't know what is wrong with me. I wish it would stop.
