Dreams...
Today is not going so good already. I am missing class because my clothes are all wet...Justin might not be able to come...and I had this dream, I would call it a beautiful nightmare. I had no clue it was a nightmare while I was dreaming it though...
So I think my dream started out with me trying to find Justin. Probably because for the past two days I tried to get ahold of Justin to talk about when he was supposed to come and such. But anyway, in this dream I was trying to find him. Then for some reason it turned out Storm was looking for me. In my dream I was still dating him, I guess, because I thought nothing of it. And I still loved him because I wanted to find him as much as he wanted to find me. We find each other and he holds me and I kiss him and it is like nothing had ever went wrong between us, like neither of us had changed at all, we were both the happy people we used to be. He didn't gain any weight or grow a disgusting looking beard...he wasn't unhappy like he was the last day I talked to him. We were both happy. Nothing was wrong in my life. I forgot about Justin. Everyone else around us melted away and it was just us, holding each other. I haven't been with Storm in over a year. And I haven't talked to him in nearly 9 months. He hates me so much...and he will never be that person he used to be. He lost his innocence to his current girlfriend. And now he is the depressed, suicidal, angry kid he was before he met me. We were so happy...sometimes I wish we had never split up. I wish I could have saved him from being this way, from being so angry and hateful. Especially towards me. For two years I loved him more than anything on this planet. I loved him more than any of my family, even my parents. I loved him so much more than myself. And he loved me. But we were just in high school. He is still in high school. I know it would never have worked. And I know I am better off...well actually I'm starting to doubt that more and more every day. If I had never broken up with Storm I know I wouldn't be friends with Anna. At the beginning of my freshman year here I would just sit on the phone and talk to Storm all the time. She'd invite me to go places and I'd say no and just stay in my room and talk to him. Thats one of the main reasons we broke up, I wanted friends in college, I didn't have them in high school for that very reason. But on the other hand, I know I would have never started drinking. I would have never, ever smoked weed. Storm would have killed me. After we broke up and we were trying to be friends he tried to get me to stop...But I was at the point where I just wanted to die, I didn't care. I was mad that he still cared about me, mad that he still loved me. I know he did. I can't imagine he truly hates me now. How can you just randomly hate someone that you loved the week before? How can you forget the two best years of your life? (because those WERE the best years of his life, I'm not having a big ego here, he's said it so many times. and they were the best years of mine...) Its been over a year and I am still not over him. I still dream about him, all the time. I still cry when I think about him, cry when I see pictures of us together. I burned some right before what would have been our three year anniversary. And I cried seeing our smiling faces melt away. I don't know if I am still in love with him. But I do know I still love him and I always will, no matter who he turns into and what happens to his life. I will always remember him as the sweet, caring Storm that loved me more than anything in the world. I will still smile at all the things I remember that he said, all the things he did. The way he looked into my eyes and told me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. The way he'd cry if I would cry, he'd get angry when my dad or my brother hurt me. He'd protect me. I know it was just high school but I have never loved someone that way since. And I have never met one guy who adored me like Storm did. Sometimes I think I never will. I never believed you only have one soul-mate, but I am starting too. I know that sounds dramatic, but if you knew us when we were together you might understand. I still have people tell me that someday Storm will see that we were meant for each other and come back. I know he won't. He says he's in love with his new girlfriend. Well, I guess she isn't new, they've been dating for a year now...I lost my chance. I lose my true love. Sometimes I feel so hopeless that I want to kill myself. I have thought of it a lot. I have always thought that if he never came back then I would. I say I'll give it a year then I will call him up and tell him that I am still devastated by it all. And when he laughed at me or hung up his phone I would go and kill myself. I'm not trying to be dramatic, that is just how I feel. In my world, there is nothing to live for but love. And if you find it you need to hold on to it and never let it go the way I did. Before I met Storm I didn't want to live. I had already tried to kill myself twice and was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for two weeks. Then I met him. And for two years I didn't have one suicidal thought. I think I could have went off my lithium and been just fine. Now I am back to the trainwreck I have been ever since I remember, save those two years. And Storm is too.
If you read this, thank you. I am sorry for those of you who hate my blogs. This is the only way I can get my feelings out, the only thing I know how to do is write. I might sit here and cry when I'm writing it but then my thoughts are out and in cyberspace, not circulating through my mind. Well, at least not as much. I'm sure I'll remember this the whole day. And I will be crushed if Justin can't come. This will just be a bad day, I know it....
So I think my dream started out with me trying to find Justin. Probably because for the past two days I tried to get ahold of Justin to talk about when he was supposed to come and such. But anyway, in this dream I was trying to find him. Then for some reason it turned out Storm was looking for me. In my dream I was still dating him, I guess, because I thought nothing of it. And I still loved him because I wanted to find him as much as he wanted to find me. We find each other and he holds me and I kiss him and it is like nothing had ever went wrong between us, like neither of us had changed at all, we were both the happy people we used to be. He didn't gain any weight or grow a disgusting looking beard...he wasn't unhappy like he was the last day I talked to him. We were both happy. Nothing was wrong in my life. I forgot about Justin. Everyone else around us melted away and it was just us, holding each other. I haven't been with Storm in over a year. And I haven't talked to him in nearly 9 months. He hates me so much...and he will never be that person he used to be. He lost his innocence to his current girlfriend. And now he is the depressed, suicidal, angry kid he was before he met me. We were so happy...sometimes I wish we had never split up. I wish I could have saved him from being this way, from being so angry and hateful. Especially towards me. For two years I loved him more than anything on this planet. I loved him more than any of my family, even my parents. I loved him so much more than myself. And he loved me. But we were just in high school. He is still in high school. I know it would never have worked. And I know I am better off...well actually I'm starting to doubt that more and more every day. If I had never broken up with Storm I know I wouldn't be friends with Anna. At the beginning of my freshman year here I would just sit on the phone and talk to Storm all the time. She'd invite me to go places and I'd say no and just stay in my room and talk to him. Thats one of the main reasons we broke up, I wanted friends in college, I didn't have them in high school for that very reason. But on the other hand, I know I would have never started drinking. I would have never, ever smoked weed. Storm would have killed me. After we broke up and we were trying to be friends he tried to get me to stop...But I was at the point where I just wanted to die, I didn't care. I was mad that he still cared about me, mad that he still loved me. I know he did. I can't imagine he truly hates me now. How can you just randomly hate someone that you loved the week before? How can you forget the two best years of your life? (because those WERE the best years of his life, I'm not having a big ego here, he's said it so many times. and they were the best years of mine...) Its been over a year and I am still not over him. I still dream about him, all the time. I still cry when I think about him, cry when I see pictures of us together. I burned some right before what would have been our three year anniversary. And I cried seeing our smiling faces melt away. I don't know if I am still in love with him. But I do know I still love him and I always will, no matter who he turns into and what happens to his life. I will always remember him as the sweet, caring Storm that loved me more than anything in the world. I will still smile at all the things I remember that he said, all the things he did. The way he looked into my eyes and told me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. The way he'd cry if I would cry, he'd get angry when my dad or my brother hurt me. He'd protect me. I know it was just high school but I have never loved someone that way since. And I have never met one guy who adored me like Storm did. Sometimes I think I never will. I never believed you only have one soul-mate, but I am starting too. I know that sounds dramatic, but if you knew us when we were together you might understand. I still have people tell me that someday Storm will see that we were meant for each other and come back. I know he won't. He says he's in love with his new girlfriend. Well, I guess she isn't new, they've been dating for a year now...I lost my chance. I lose my true love. Sometimes I feel so hopeless that I want to kill myself. I have thought of it a lot. I have always thought that if he never came back then I would. I say I'll give it a year then I will call him up and tell him that I am still devastated by it all. And when he laughed at me or hung up his phone I would go and kill myself. I'm not trying to be dramatic, that is just how I feel. In my world, there is nothing to live for but love. And if you find it you need to hold on to it and never let it go the way I did. Before I met Storm I didn't want to live. I had already tried to kill myself twice and was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for two weeks. Then I met him. And for two years I didn't have one suicidal thought. I think I could have went off my lithium and been just fine. Now I am back to the trainwreck I have been ever since I remember, save those two years. And Storm is too.
If you read this, thank you. I am sorry for those of you who hate my blogs. This is the only way I can get my feelings out, the only thing I know how to do is write. I might sit here and cry when I'm writing it but then my thoughts are out and in cyberspace, not circulating through my mind. Well, at least not as much. I'm sure I'll remember this the whole day. And I will be crushed if Justin can't come. This will just be a bad day, I know it....
