A cry for help, a cry of insanity....
I have went since July without messing around with Ryan. Until today. My relationship with Ryan has been going on for a year now. It started out as a friendship, became an unofficial relationship, went back to a friendship, then unofficial relationship, and since July we've been just friends. Until today.
I don't know why this happened. I swore this year I wouldn't so much as touch Ryan. And I had been doing so good. More importantly, I told myself I wouldn't mess around with a guy unless I was dating him. And I am definitely not dating Ryan...I probably never will.
Ryan is usually boring and immature for a 22 year old. Even worse, he is probably the biggest dick I know. His favorite past time (other than playing Call of Duty 4) is getting on a website called Myyearbook and finding girls (usually 18 or 19 year olds), leading them to believe he likes them, making them totally and completely fall for him, sometimes dating them, then freaking out on them and deleting them from all of his social networking profiles and ignoring all texts. He is a total liar and a doucebag. When I met him he tried doing that to me. But I am smarter than those girls and refused to let him treat me like crap. He'd delete me and then he ALWAYS comes back to me. I don't know what it is about me but all I have to do is ask him why the f*ck he deleted me and he apologizes. Or I leave him alone for a couple weeks and he comes crawling back. So our friendship has lasted over a year now and has rotated from just friends to something more several times. And now I'm back to square one giving myself to a guy not even worth my time.
I think I just have low self esteem. Or I crave,uh, what he has to offer. I know I sound like a whore right now...but trust me, I'm not. We don't have sex. Well, not really. But now I don't know what to do. I have reverted to my old self, the one that is worthless and stupid.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about my emotional status when it comes to boys. I agree with all of you who have commented my numerous "boy" blogs. I am totally not ready for a relationship. I still think about Storm everyday of my life. I dream about him. I cry when I see pictures of us. I cry when I think of him. Its been over a year now. He's been with his girlfriend for a year and he hasn't talked to me since February or March. Yet I am still hung up on him. I don't know how to get over him.It is so bad that I was thinking about Storm and comparing Ryan to Storm the entire time we were fooling around. I was even imagining he was Storm part of the time. I think I am losing my mind. I think the only reason I was with Ryan tonight was because I have been missing Storm so much lately, if that makes sense.
I don't know what to do, I am so confused with life right now. I am beginning to think Storm was it, he was my one and only true love. That sounds so stupid, but what else can explain this? This isn't normal, its been over a year and I am still in love with him, still torn up, still crying at least once a week because we are not together. The saddest part is I was the one who broke up with him, I was the one who decided to fool around with Austin and then brag to Storm about it when I knew Storm was still in love with me. I was the one who f*cked it all up on purpose and I have been denying that I still love him ever since. I tore him to pieces and caused him to turn to Shelby, his current girlfriend, who ruined him completely. I ruined his life and my life. Now he won't talk to me.
I am a sophomore in college and I am acting like a stupid 15 year old. Storm is still a senior in high school. We dated in high school and I thought it was just a high school relationship. But we were together for 2 years. And I haven't met anyone that even comes close to connecting with me since Storm. I have seriously contemplated suicide because I just don't know what else to do.
I am really tempted to call Storm and tell him everything. But I know him too well, he will either laugh at me or get so mad at me. He would never break up with Shelby for me, he loves her even though they fight like crazy, even though she ruined his life. But I feel like I need to take this chance. And maybe if he flips out on me and hurts me I can finally just let it go, give up on him forever. Or maybe I'll obsess even more and hope that since he knows I still love him he will think of me next time he has a fight with Shelby. But I don't know, I think I have lost my mind....
Help on this would be appreciated...
I don't know why this happened. I swore this year I wouldn't so much as touch Ryan. And I had been doing so good. More importantly, I told myself I wouldn't mess around with a guy unless I was dating him. And I am definitely not dating Ryan...I probably never will.
Ryan is usually boring and immature for a 22 year old. Even worse, he is probably the biggest dick I know. His favorite past time (other than playing Call of Duty 4) is getting on a website called Myyearbook and finding girls (usually 18 or 19 year olds), leading them to believe he likes them, making them totally and completely fall for him, sometimes dating them, then freaking out on them and deleting them from all of his social networking profiles and ignoring all texts. He is a total liar and a doucebag. When I met him he tried doing that to me. But I am smarter than those girls and refused to let him treat me like crap. He'd delete me and then he ALWAYS comes back to me. I don't know what it is about me but all I have to do is ask him why the f*ck he deleted me and he apologizes. Or I leave him alone for a couple weeks and he comes crawling back. So our friendship has lasted over a year now and has rotated from just friends to something more several times. And now I'm back to square one giving myself to a guy not even worth my time.
I think I just have low self esteem. Or I crave,uh, what he has to offer. I know I sound like a whore right now...but trust me, I'm not. We don't have sex. Well, not really. But now I don't know what to do. I have reverted to my old self, the one that is worthless and stupid.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about my emotional status when it comes to boys. I agree with all of you who have commented my numerous "boy" blogs. I am totally not ready for a relationship. I still think about Storm everyday of my life. I dream about him. I cry when I see pictures of us. I cry when I think of him. Its been over a year now. He's been with his girlfriend for a year and he hasn't talked to me since February or March. Yet I am still hung up on him. I don't know how to get over him.It is so bad that I was thinking about Storm and comparing Ryan to Storm the entire time we were fooling around. I was even imagining he was Storm part of the time. I think I am losing my mind. I think the only reason I was with Ryan tonight was because I have been missing Storm so much lately, if that makes sense.
I don't know what to do, I am so confused with life right now. I am beginning to think Storm was it, he was my one and only true love. That sounds so stupid, but what else can explain this? This isn't normal, its been over a year and I am still in love with him, still torn up, still crying at least once a week because we are not together. The saddest part is I was the one who broke up with him, I was the one who decided to fool around with Austin and then brag to Storm about it when I knew Storm was still in love with me. I was the one who f*cked it all up on purpose and I have been denying that I still love him ever since. I tore him to pieces and caused him to turn to Shelby, his current girlfriend, who ruined him completely. I ruined his life and my life. Now he won't talk to me.
I am a sophomore in college and I am acting like a stupid 15 year old. Storm is still a senior in high school. We dated in high school and I thought it was just a high school relationship. But we were together for 2 years. And I haven't met anyone that even comes close to connecting with me since Storm. I have seriously contemplated suicide because I just don't know what else to do.
I am really tempted to call Storm and tell him everything. But I know him too well, he will either laugh at me or get so mad at me. He would never break up with Shelby for me, he loves her even though they fight like crazy, even though she ruined his life. But I feel like I need to take this chance. And maybe if he flips out on me and hurts me I can finally just let it go, give up on him forever. Or maybe I'll obsess even more and hope that since he knows I still love him he will think of me next time he has a fight with Shelby. But I don't know, I think I have lost my mind....
Help on this would be appreciated...
ya I didnt get the "We don't have sex. Well, not really. " part either. Confusing...
other than that I don't have anything really to add to Banquo's comment. It's all said, I hope you really take it by heart. Give up on boys for a while. Get your life sorted. Good luck.
Love, November 10th, 2009 at 05:11:50pm
Thank you so much for all of the advice. You helped me look at this in a way I haven't before, especially the part about Storm. I think you are very right about pretty much everything you said. I just need to get my life sorted out right now and chill out...and I guess what is supposed to happen will happen. To complicate the Storm thing even more than it already was theres a rumor out there that his gf is pregnant...and I don't want to get involved in that, ever. That is probably the biggest turnoff ever, him having a kid with the person I hate most and wrecked his life. It kind of disgusts me =/....of course I still love him...and that makes me very sad....but if that is true I think that may be the thing to help me get over him. Once again, I really appreciate all of your advice. Thank you so so much, you are right about everything =]
suburban.zombie, November 8th, 2009 at 10:23:16pm
:[
First off- why the aich are you friends with such a douche? Obv, you need to ditch Ryan- regardless of whatever happened because you were feeling lonely. a$s are a$s, even if they treat you a little better. Just stop any sort of relaitionship, friendly or otherwise.
[Also, slightly off topic- "We don't have sex. Well, not really. " Tf?? o.O Not sure how that works, really.....it made me giggle. I'm slightly immature. But moving on--]
Also- there is no such thing as a "one and only true love." That is total disney bull. There are so many people out there, it is flipping impossible for you to fall in love with only a single one of them. You will probably love Storm for your whole life- I personally believe that if you are able to STOP loving someone, you never actually loved them in the first place. But just because a place in your heart is reserved for him doesn't mean that someday you won't fall madly in love with someone who you will spend the rest of your life with. there will be someone else.
You need to just give up on boys for a while. Give yourself time to actually move on, take time to find out who YOU are right now, not who you are in relation to stupid jerkoff boys. Relax, focus on college, [ok, maybe those are contradictory], find something you really like to do and just go with that. Just make a commitment to stay single- and not just single as in 'we're not dating.' Single as in completely uninvolved with anyone.
Don't talk to Storm. Maybe it'll help you let go, but I wouldn't do it. He's in a relationship- you shouldn't try to do anything that might complicate that. If you really do love him, you should just let him be happy. Don't be selfish about it- he has a say too. [That sounds horrible, and I'm not saying that you are selfish- just sometimes it's hard to see things from both points of view. Look at how it affects him as well.] Life is long- maybe someday when you're both older something will work out. You never know. Don't count on it- don't wait for it, don't obsess over it. Just acknowledge that something either will happen or it won't, and let that be that.
Dk. That prolly sounds like a load of crap- you can take it or leave it. But for sure, suicide is never the answer. You are a sophomore in college. Your life has barely even started- if you were to stop now, you would miss out on an entire lifetime of love and accomplishment and memories- not to mention that you'd rob the world of something pretty damn great.
Good luck.
banquo, November 8th, 2009 at 10:55:30am