Donnie Darko.

Who has seen Donnie Darko? I just watched it for the first time the other day. I freaking LOVED it. I think it was an amazing movie...definitely my favorite that Jake Gyllenhaal has been in. Lately I've been feeling like Donnie Darko, really. Not that I see weird plasma shit come out of peoples chest...But the part about being really confused in life...I get it. I don't see weird rabbits named Frank either...but I get it. I love the ending where he saves the girl he likes...Thats what I feel like right now, but theoretically. I feel like if I die, I can save the world, I can save everyone in my life.


Lately things have been pretty fucked up. I think they are getting better, but I'm not sure. John and Amber are my best friends (other than Anna). Lately, though, John has been texting me constantly and flirting constantly. John and Amber have been dating for almost 6 years...so I thought it didn't mean anything, cause thats just how he is. He's a nice guy that likes to flirt with girls who have low self esteem to make them feel better. But thats a bad idea, with me anyway. So it gets worse. Amber and John got in a HUGE fight today, one where both were thinking of leaving. And who was the star of the argument? Me. Well at least that's John's side of the story. He says it started with Amber getting pissed because John has been texting me so much and flirting so bad. Amber said she just used me as ammunition because it was the one thing he couldn't deny. Idk who to believe. John was really trying to make it look like Amber was being really mean to him...Amber was making John look that way...it was just bad. And both confided in me the situation. Lol. So not only is part of it ABOUT me (that wasn't the whole thing, they've been fighting for awhile) but I had to give advice to both! And John continues the flirting.

I am so sad right now, I don't know what to do. To be completely honest, I like the flirting. I like the attention...I like the way he makes me feel really good about myself (he is full of witty and sweet compliments)...and I am starting to develop a little crush. Its so freaking terrible. Earlier we were talking about the zombie apocalypse and he said he'd stick by me (cause we were playing left 4 dead the other day and made an awesome team, or thats what i figured at least) Then he said "other reasons too " and I avoided that. Then he said we could rebuild the human race. I was like "uhh....lol" cause it made me rather uncomfortable. The last thing he said to me tonight was "you should really think hard about the rebuilding the human race thing. If we were the last ones left, whats the harm?" Does he really think I'd tell him I want to have sex with him when Amber is one of my best friends and she is sitting in the room with him? She was trying to get him to bed and he continued the texting. He finally went to bed, almost 3 in the morning. Not TOO long after her, but I'm sure it was enough to piss her off again. That was the problem the other day, he textec me till late at night like this. He texts me alll through work. And sometimes as early as 11am. I don't mind it, and thats where the problem is.

If they split up, I wouldn't know what to do. I kind of think he is building up this relationship with me so he has a back up if Amber and him break up. Which is really messed up. I think he is trying to get me to flirt with him so he can know for sure that I like him. I don't want him to know that I like him, mostly cause I don't want Amber to know. And Amber is one of my best friends! Too make it worse, she is one of my best best friends best friends as well. And John is like her brother, he is her older brother's best friend and has been for YEARS. So she'd be crushed if they broke up and even MORE crushed if John tried something with me. Not to mention how shitty I would feel if he tried to use me as a rebound. I honestly like John, I like him a lot. But I know this is all fake and not healthy and Amber and John breaking up is the last thing on earth that I would want.

So back to Donnie Darko. Donnie Darko saved everyone because he learned how to teleport back into the past. He saved his girlfriend who got hit by a car. To do this, he went all the way back to when a jet engine fell on his house, specifically in his bedroom and onto his bed. If he had been sleeping there instead of sleep walking to the golf course, he would have died and he would have never met his girlfriend. So he went back and lied in his bed so he wouldn't meet the girl...And he died. He died to save her.

I feel like I have to "die" to save Amber and John. Of course I don't have to go back in time and make sure I die before I meet them to do this...but I might have to fade away for a little bit. But I don't want to. I don't want to lose John because he makes me smile and I haven't done that in awhile. Oh and btw he calls me girl sometimes, which is my total weakness for some reason. When a guy calls me girl, idk, I just melt. But I shouldn't! Its so wrong! But he is the first person I have truly connected with in a long long time. And I have connected with him more than any other guy since Storm. If he was single and doing this....oh boy I'd be on him. He isn't perfect, not at all. But he is sweet and caring. He is also 26..which kind of makes this more messed up because I'm only 19. I mean its not terrible, but he should be a little more mature than flirting with me behind his gfs back. And then theres the fact that if he is doing this to Amber, there's a great chance he'd do it to me if we ever dated. Idk. This is just messed up so fucking bad, excuse my language please. Idk what to do. If anyone has any advice, please give it to me....=[


Posted on December 15th, 2009 at 02:58am

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