Australia can wait

i've loved you for four years now; i was only twelve when it all began. i was in the middle of roaming the world, unplanned, inexperienced, not looking for anything special. you were fourteen but going on fifteen in september. little did i know when i first saw you on that summer's day in july, i'd be standing on your doorstep in the newly fallen snow by christmas. little did i know i'd know your each and every freckle and iris pattern by heart within a few months. little did i know i'd sit waiting for you every monday evening; that your eyes could be so blue underneath a pitch black fringe.

the yearbook; sitting in the front row, number six from the left, was axel.

i've missed you for three years now; yet i am only sixteen. i've been through so many crushes; only comparing them to you. i last met you on new year's eve underneath those sparkling fireworks, only to embrace you brutally, smell smoke by your neck and shout out my well wishings. we were never the soft ones. we never gently stroke fears out of each other's faces. when inadequacy hit me the hardest, i'd yell at you and stop talking and eating for days. but you rarely did something wrong; not loving me back or giving me enough attention was sufficient to freak me out. for somewhere deep down, i had already understood you wouldn't fall in love with me; that i was a little sister in your eyes. i could never last for being yours; you could never sacrifice enough to be mine. and i realize now, years later, what a difficult seat i put you in.

i've suspected so, you said. may 2007. but it's flattering. i'll see you tonight, kisses.

you'd end up shoulder to shoulder with me in crowds, but wouldn't take count of it, said nothing, did nothing. later you told me that you were fine and hoped to see me soon; and only six weeks earlier we'd been sharing a bench and your heels were sore.

as summer returned, you disappeared, bit by bit. you went to the upper secondary school in another town and i barely dared breathing. panic attacks, compulsory thoughts, self-hatred... i cried leaning over barricades, curled up in bed, in school, lying on the floor, in public, watching tv, while eating my dinner, on car rides, on telephones, while writing long diaries; even though i was only thirteen, and it's been so long, i still feel like crying myself to death sometimes, because i know you were him. the one that's meant to be, the one, my soulmate. knew that you were him who i had beamed at, trembled in front of, laughed with, yelled at, wept after and bubbled next to. that you were him but i couldn't have you.

it might follow you all life through, someone said sometime during those blurry months and it had never hit me before. but i couldn't handle seeing you. i couldn't handle others seeing you. i couldn't handle your existance. i didn't even know you anymore; i just clinged onto the memory of a stranger that i occasionally met. it was impossible to prevent, this town is minimal and crowds are dispersed so easily.

and during all this time, my friends have known exactly how to act. your name is taboo; they all have to trip carefully around me. i've been told it shows when it hurts. i don't want it to show, sometimes i wish i didn't give a shit about you, i want to be able to sift people without imagining your face there among them, i wish you weren't so damn beautiful and i wish i were immune. and yet i am so happy there's always someone who guarantees my heart skipping a beat, my breath going away, my self-control loosing, my knees getting weak.

now and then i've caught glimpses of you, small fragments of your on-going life, and i can't help but swell with pride. i put my faith in you and i was right; you've grown to be an amazing young man and i am still puzzled each time we meet or have a little chat what a desirable human being you really are; meeting you always overwhelms me with reminder. you are beautiful, inside and outside and all the way through, and it's truly saddening we rarely meet. you're so close, yet so far. but this time, maybe not. after eleven months of silence, you tell me you're moving to australia. half way around the globe. indefinitely.

and so i want you to go, i want you to enjoy your opportunity, i want you to learn to surf and go bungy-jumping, i want you to check out the aussie girls, experience sydney and celebrate christmas in strong sunlight, and yet i want to clutch you tightly, hold you back, neglect your each and every chance to leave me again. i want to deny you freedom, keep you in full control, use you for my personal medication, know. for i hate this uncertainty. i need you simply because you're a part of me.

i learned how to hide my number and called you up from drunken parties. just to listen to your voice, your name, your breaths. once i screamed imissyouimissyouimissyouohmygodyou'vegrownsomature! and your laughter sent chills down my spine. you asked who is it? and i gave my new crush a brief glance before i hung up, laughed heartlessly and danced my way through the rest of the night; nothing compares to you. you're a sentation more powerful than any new lover, any drug, any party, any satisfaction. and you will always be.

this is really hard, i said once when we met at a lame party in the woods. you smiled beneath those prominent jawbones. i foolishly grabbed your hand, only to hug you two seconds later. do you still - you began, but our friends went different directions.
only hours later, i saw her crying, seated on a rock. i asked for the matter and she told me it was you. she said you never call her back. that you don't always pay full attention to her. that you're so hard to fully reach sometimes. her hair was a little darker, her lips a little richer; but it was me. it was me sitting there, weeping in the forest. i knew i had wished for rescue, and simply set in. it was never a decision, it came so naturally. he told me you two had something, she sobbed. her words awoke a monster within me. she tried to wriggle out as i grabbed her arm to speak bluntly. i told her i loved you and wished your best. i lied and said i'd moved on. i basically transmitted the rights to her, left them there by the same tears i'd cried a million times before, in a humid forest on an august night.

i bumped into you one night running from a stalking car. your arms were safer than ever, your voice smoother than ever, your legs taller than ever; i gradually came to the point of realization i couldn't live without you like this anymore. it was too painful having to admit to myself you had changed every time i saw you; that our meetings happened too seldom. you excused yourself, pointed to your girlfriend on the phone and said sorry, got a little hangup here.
oh, i said. but i ran the whole way home.

i know you wouldn't believe me, but i've thought of you every single day the last years. every single day, i've wondered how you are. every single day, i've wondered whether there is someone else reflected in your eyes now. i'm no longer the person i was before i met you. who are you now?

so may i? may i require exclusivity on someone i've given away before? may i claim to still love somebody i've screamed at for fear of not being enough and don't even know anymore? may i claim to still love somebody when i've devoted myself to others every now and then? may i pick things up where i left them, three years later? may i bother someone who is just about to flee half the world away?

rediscover me. i know we're right. i just know.
Posted on October 27th, 2010 at 07:11pm

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