something about friends makes me feel great

For the longest time I've been quite "friendless." I spend all my time with my boyfriend and tend to regret it, looking back, because I've lost some of my friends this way. they think I had better things to do then hang out with them, though it's completely wrong. since he's really my only real friend.

So, anyway.
Now I have another friend I hang out with that is a GUY, holy shit. And that's all well and good. I like having friends, regardless of their gender. But I think my mind gets too confused, having a guy friend. You know, there doesn't have to be anything wrong with it, but for some reason, there is. Because my mind is glad to FINALLY have a friend, so I'm not being so naggy with my boyfriend (we'll call him N). So with N, I like spending time with him, etc, but there are times when i get so miserably bored waiting for N to get off work, to get back from school, whatever it may be. And it's pathetic. So I can't just keep sitting around wishing and pissing my life away with waiting.
So when T (that's the guy friend) would always talk to me, I decided him and I should hang out, we share intellect as well as musical taste, and I figured we might as well. Like I said, better than waiting and waiting my life away.
So we've been hanging out basically every available moment we have. And I don't see why it should pose a problem to N and my relationship. T is a nice guy, smart, funny, and enjoyable to be around. I guess with N it's sort of turned way too routine for me. I care about N, don't get me wrong, but since hanging out with T is starting to become more regular, I feel as though I'm in the wrong here.
But how can I be? I've made a friend that I really enjoy being around. Just because he is a guy doesn't mean it has to have all the petty crap about I'm gonna cheat (because like I've said, I wouldn't. I'd first cut my legs off) or why the fuck am I spending so much time with another guy? I feel really guilty. I like spending time with T. I really do. I've known T longer than I've known Nathan, it's not like I just met him. (but our friendship has been strictly text, except for when I saw him at school, but not anymore since he's a grade lower than me). It's almost becoming more enjoyable than it has with N.
So... yeah, ok. Maybe I'm a little hypocritical with all this.
I think I'm just horribly confused right now. But I don't really want to lose a friend over it.
And I want to understand why it's confusing. I was told by my sister that I need to make up my mind, or figure something out. I have things figured out in my head. but I think they're all the wrong ideas/decisions. Ergh. Sorry if this didn't make any sense. I'm really sleep deprived and confused. Hopefully I can figure this stupid crap out. Unfortunately, it's not the first time it's happened. but I don't want to fuck something up like I did last time..
Posted on November 1st, 2010 at 02:44am

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