They Will Never Understand

Right now, at this very moment I am an exchange student in Turkey until July. My parents and my boyfriend think that the reason I really wanted to come here was to have a new experience in a different culture. I can't really explain fully on how wrong they are. The entire reason I wanted to come here was to get away from everything I left behind. I made new friends, lost a lot, fell in love (not with who you would expect), fell out of love and went back into it once I got here.

I tried talking to my mom about my future plans for when I got back. I asked her if it was okay that I went to California for college and all she could say was no. I couldn't tell her why I wanted to go because it would break her heart to say that I couldn't take that place anymore and I didn't want to be near it.

I tried explaining to my boyfriend that exact thing, that I couldn't take my city and I didn't want to be anywhere near it because I couldn't handle it. I wanted to start somewhere new and meet new friends and have the normal life that I've always wanted. We ended up getting into a huge fight because of it and he was really upset about what I wanted.

Truth is, I don't even know what I really want. I've been involved with too much drama in my life and I don't want to go anywhere near it. I want to start over, go to a new place far away where I can stay and hopefully only go back for the Holidays. That's really all I know of what I want.

The only person that really understood what I was saying was one of my best friends that used to be my teacher (that's weird to say). I told him this last summer that I didn't really want to come back to the city after everything that happened in the last year and he was the only one that supported me in my decision. He said that he would help me get a school far away when I got back and that when it came time he would come visit me.

I could never tell any of this to my parents. They just won't understand. Nobody will understand why I can't go back. I can't even understand why I can't go back. I will break many hearts and tread on tons of feelings, but this is the one time I'm going to be selfish in my life. I will leave, even if it takes longer than I hoped. And I will go back, but never to stay, and hopefully, I won't have to see a lot of people when I do.

What I want, nobody will understand, because what I want, I don't even understand.
Posted on December 12th, 2010 at 04:48pm


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