Of Broken Hearts, I've had a few..

Pardon if this doesn't make sense.
I just need to get this out.

I can't fucking take this anymore. Life seems to be determined to fuck me over.
I might as well just be completely honest here. If anyone sees this they won't care. And if the people on GSB I talk about see this, fuck, who cares anymore.

Yes. This is one of those stupid broken hearted blogs.
Yes. I'm an angsty teenager.
Yes. I'm a lesbian victim to unrequited love.
Brace yourself.

For starters, let's go to my first heart wrench.
Yes, I had a huge-ass crush on Joey.
Right after B came along.
So of course I put on my brave face and said "that's so cute" "that's adorable" and broke a little inside.
Unless you've been there, you don't know how hard it is to hear "I used to like you, ah well." when you still do.
This went on for months.

My second was worse. Kit. God.
I fell for a straight girl.
I didn't try to sway her, but the absolute heartbreaking thing here was her constant telling me "I had a crush on you when I thought you were a boy."
That's being told, "I would go out with you if it weren't for something you can't change." "I'm sorry, you're not quite good enough."
Yosoy thought I was a boy, too. Flirted with me all the time. And because of my desperate want to think that maybe someone, somewhere likes me and is interested in me romantically, I let her keep thinking that. My desperation of maybe I'm not that one girl that is liked, but never liked, compelled me to lie. (She now knows the truth.)

Not to mention Rachael and Brooke. My wives. Who don't date online. But are perfectly fine with dating everyone else around them and telling me, where I again put on my brave face like I'm not jealous that people vie for them. Pardon me if I don't feel honest sympathy for people constantly flirting with you for being beautiful- I don't have that problem.

Speaking of life. Hillary. My IRL best friend. If I had a dollar every time she accidentally kissed my arm or leg, or said "I would date you if I didn't already have a girlfriend," I would be a rich woman.

And finally Amanda. She is online. Lives only 3 hours from me. But wait. She has a boyfriend. Oh but okay. She likes me more. But I would feel like SH!T suggesting that she break up with him for me. She's coming to ASTL (Anime St. Louis) with me, and we're sharing a bed. That will be fun. Oh wait. Also. She's 20. I'm nearly 17. That's illegal. So even if, GOD FORBID, I was allowed happiness for half a second, I would be happy on illegal terms.

The one time I was happy was with Kim. And maybe I was wrong to subject her to how fucking messed up I am.

My heart hurts so much.
Why can't I be happy... Why?

Being an anti-social lesbian sucks so much.
Posted on December 18th, 2010 at 12:17am

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