Facing the future.

The past few months have blown everything out of the water for me, so many things have happened that I just don't know what to expect anymore.
Not long before Christmas, I lost my grandfather. A wonderful, kind, funny and caring man who I loved with my entire heart. We lost him so quickly that I have never really grasped it. I know what you're thinking, that it was a good few months ago but I just can't grasp the fact I will never ever see him again. How someone can go from being such a big part of your life, to not being there at all, to walk into my granparents house and not see him sitting there with his beaming smile and his usual greeting of "So Sarah...tell me what's happening these days." I want to so much to tell him things, to tell him how I'm struggling so much, that I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore about this or about anything. I want to tell him how much I love him, how much he meant to me and how much he has influenced me. But part of me feels so selfish for thinking this, I mean my dad has lost his dad. I can't even begin to understand how he must be feeling because I can't even think about losing mine.
So every night, in the safety of my room with my ipod softly covering the sound, I cry my heart out. I cry for everything I didn't say and everything I didn't do, for everything I'm feeling and for everything I'm missing.
Another reason I'm struggling without him is that we share the same birthday. I turn 20 years of age this year, and he should be there celebrating with me.
"Sarah, you're the best birthday present I ever recieved." He told me one night in the hospital while I held his hand, one of the precious times I hold in my mind.
And so this year, I'll be learning to deal without him and make some of the biggest decisions in my life.

I hope you're looking down on me, Papa. I think of you everyday and I hope you're pulling some strings for me up there. I love you and I regret not telling you that enough.

I needed to get this out, so apologies if it doesn't make complete sense.
Posted on February 9th, 2011 at 11:14am

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