Should I or Shouldn't I

Wow... it's been a while since I blogged here... tonight as I once again can not allow myself to go to sleep (for what ever reason that is) I continued to do some research.

I am seriously thinking about talking with the Psych Dr. about ECT or VNS.

The last couple of nights I have been doing research... re-familiarizing, myself with my illness... a kind of re-introduction if you will. I haven't looked at the actual BPD symptoms in forever... so as I was talking to a friend on MSN (who told me she always reads my stuff) I poked around a site after plugging my search into Google and came across this.

Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms

You have to have 5 following out of the 9 to be diagnosed with BPD.

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

* Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

* Impulsively in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

* Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

* Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, [b]irritability[/]b, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

* Chronic feelings of emptiness

* Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

* Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

So how's them apples... 7 out of 9... aren't I lucky Coffee


Back to where I was going... so I explored further and reintroduced myself to what is my AXIS I: Major Depressive; severe recurrent.

I found this site Depression and Major Depression

Clinical depression is characterized by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:

* Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)

* Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day

* Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

* Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day

* Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day

* Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

* Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day

* Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day

* Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

WHOOHOO 9 out of 9... I'm a winner Coffee


I guess I got a wake up call that I hadn't had in a while. I have been just getting by... "Still breathing" is my common answer to the 'How are you?' question. I'm tired of being like this. I HATE who I am now. I am tired of 'just breathing'.

My meds do not work. My mom and my main therapist Kevin say they can hear the by the tone of my voice that the meds working.. BUT I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER. Therefore if I can't feel it... it's ultimately not working; period.


So tonight I'm cruising through mental health web sites and I stumble across web page to apply for clinical trials. I scrolled through the BPD trials but nothing was fitting for me... then i decided to cruise the MD trials... and there it was for one in Syracuse; for treatment resistant depression. It was like the holy grail for me. Literally a sliver of light appeared as I read through the requirements. I fit... I applied. More than likely I'll be turned down but I'm going to succeed in getting a VNS implant or having ECT; PERIOD.


VNS (vagus nerve stimulation) Therapy
ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)


Wednesday... I can wait til Wednesday.

Posted on March 20th, 2007 at 03:26am

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