i hate everyone

if i were to ask someone who slightly knows me, "hey- if you coud describe me in one sentence, what would it be?" more than likely, the answer would be "i hate everyone." it's accurate though, i do hate everyone. I hate everyone quite a lot. people suck, honestly. people suck more than a whore with a vacuum. everyone has their reasons why they do those things they do, and the reason that i hate people? well, here we go.

let me take you through a journey of my life. well, a super-condensed journey nonetheless. when i was younger, i was popular, as popular as a fourth grader could be at least. i had a ton of friends, i was smart, i was hilarious, people liked me, and i liked people. but then as i grew up, i realized that people aren't always the way they seem. people have pasts, and pasts have secrets. people lie all the time, and that bothered me. but i never let it completely discourage me. until people started lying straight to my face. strike one against humanity.

two years later i moved from my hometown, and to here. when i moved, everyone forgot about me. i no longer matter. everything i had built was a total lie. if i really meant that much, people would know my name still. people would put a face to that name. but they don't. strike two- people don't care as much as you think they do.

so here i am. new kid in a new school, ready to start a new life. people don't like me. i'm weird. i'm this, and i'm that. and i hated this. i hated being known as the new kid that no one wants to take the time to get to know. i was being judged before i opened my mouth. and believe me, i never opened it. finally i made one or two friends, and that was great. but part of me knew i could never trust them. at least not fully. because people aren't to be trusted. they lie, they don't care. they're flawed.

these flaws make people unpredictable. and i don't like that. i don't like that one bit. you never know when they're going to get gossipy. you never know when they're just playing your emotions. you don't know what goes on inside their heads. and that scares me. people are generally scared of the unknown, and to me? that's a person. a person is the unknown.

so i would drown myself in music, and books, and learning. books can't hurt you, numbers can't betray you. that made things ok, but at the same time i was declining socially. until finally i met one person. i met one person who changed all of that. i met one person i felt i could trust, i met one person who i let into my life. i told him all those secrets. i told him all my insecurities. to put it simply? i trusted everything about him.

worst mistake of my life. the story is too long for me to get into details, but he screwed me over more than any other person had. the faith that had been renewed? yeah, forget about that. the one person i trusted ruined me. broke my heart. and broke my willingness to trust anyone.

if the one person i thought would never do that…did? then how could someone expect me to trust anyone else?

here's a quote that helps me explain this situation:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

so here i am. a year later, still hating everyone. because everyone sucks. and until i can find a person who can prove me wrong…i'll still stand alone, afraid, and untrusting.
Posted on May 12th, 2011 at 12:18am


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