I hope someone reads this

I hope someone gets it when I say I don't think I'll love like that ever again. And yeah, I know. I'm 19, wtf, how immature of me to say. The memories gather up in my head though, with each person I date and lose. It's only worse this time. I was with you after I'd closed myself off to any sort of romance for a year and a half. So I opened my soul to you, my life to you. My happiness and my depression. Every aspect of me. My flaws and my strong suits. I've only really done that with close friends, and not even to that extent. So here it is.
I miss you. I could say it five million times and it just wouldn't matter. It's so obsolete at this point that it's whimsical.
I never in my life thought I was meant to be with anyone. I never pictured myself getting married to anyone else. And I'm the romantic~ type, so it seems like maybe that had crossed my mind with other dudes. Noope. Only with you. and it's fucking stupid.
I keep thinking of you. It's always a different memory each day. Today it is you and me and Alex in your backyard sitting around the campfire. And when you got out Ben's b.b. gun and set up cans to shoot at. And how you had the cigarette hanging out of your mouth and I told you looked like a badass and you said "thanks babe" with your big smile. And you did. I don't know if you'd ever looked more attractive then at that moment. Hell, you were equally attractive at every damn moment.
Every memory of us is ingrained in my head. Like some kind of visual broken record. And it's sick and twisted and I just wish you'd contact me and tell me off or tell me to get away or something. Or that you miss me. I can't do it anymore. If I see you again, you'd probably tell me I was psycho and take out a restraining order on me. And all I wanted was to talk. But you didn't talk.
Forcing a person to talk is pretty impossible.
I learned that the stupid way.
If I had just held my tongue, we might actually still be together.
Now nothing feels right. The music we used to enjoy I can't bear to listen to. Stupid miniscule shit reminds me of you.. I can't even watch German films anymore. Netflix reminds me of you. People acting affectionate towards their pets. Red trucks. Imo's. Radiohead. Summer time. Dyeing(howisthatwordspelled) my hair. the Black Keys. Bloc Party. the Strokes. Music in general. Genuine smiles. Blonde-ish reddish hair. Blue eyes. Mountains. Wyoming. Colorado. The city, especially. I can't even drive up to the city without being reminded of you. But most of the places I go to in the city require me driving past your street. Which reminds me of you. I have no sex drive anymore. I can't even begin to look at another guy with any sort of affection like what I felt with you.
Roadtrips remind me of you. Concerts remind me of you. Walking in the park. I can't go to Meramec Bottoms Park anymore. At least not for now. I don't even want to touch my camera, it's like it's diseased. Because of the pictures of you on there, and I'm torn between deleting them or not. So I just don't even want to bother having to make that decision. I actually DELETED pictures of the other two people because it felt like the right time, when we were sitting in the park. And you took a nap. I have a picture of you. Wearing your snow goggles for some reason. In the wife beater. You looked wonderful and perfect.
Can't go to Tower Grove anymore. Or Forest Park. We lied by the fountain at night and we looked at the stars and that moment was so damn wonderful that I don't know if it actually happened. But I took pictures of it, so it must have.
Arcade Fire. Every time the song "Neon Bible" comes up on my iPod I can hear you singing it in your mocking voice "duuuhhh neawn bibulll"
and how I said I liked it because you didn't and you said it was decent.
I find myself saying all the stupid little phrases you said. For a minute~ , when you would be referring to anything from 60 seconds to a few years. You even told me the protocol for that phrase. How you said yawp, and shamon, and totally. I don't even care how bro and cheesy you sounded. I ate up every damn word that came out of your mouth. You inspired me to pray. You inspired me to do what I loved, to do what I felt was right with my life. You inspired me to get out and live. No other guy inspired me like that. None. You influenced me. I looked up to you
And now we're in completely different places. You were SO adamant about being sober, and now you're drinking again. You even said you were going to go back to school. Start your own grass cutting business. That's why you bought the truck. Now you're knocking back alcohol like it's water. I doubt you'll be able to even hold your minimum wage job for much longer. You'll soon be left with nothing. 24 (almost 25) and still living with your parents.
You've probably patched up your pipes and are melting your brain along with your liver, with two different substances. That's what hurts the most. Not even the fact that you said you wanted to be single for the next 6 months and I so naively believed you!
I also believed you were going to be all sober and good when I saw you at your sister's wedding. How wrong was I?
Dad and I talked about you, I think you were within earshot. I said "HE'S drinking again." and Dad said "I see, that isn't a huge surprise." I hope you heard and felt guilty. I hope you still feel guilty. I hope you feel like shit. You were going to AA and church and you looked so happy. You told me you felt empowered and wonderful without being on weed and without drinking. You had an everlasting light in your eyes, and a permanent smile. I loved you even more because of it. I looked up to you so much more because of it.
Now it's like it's all gone to waste. I don't even know if you'll ever talk to me again. I feel mad, empathetic, and sad. And probably many other feelings that I can't put into words. I want to call you and share alcohol with you and cry with you and hit you and laugh with you.. But to no avail. It won't ever happen. It's just a sad hope. Besides, I really don't want to see you drinking. I like the sober you. You're an amazing person with an amazing soul. You once said to me we were "two souls, one thought. Two hearts with one beat"
and I never thought we'd separate. You said you wanted me at your side.
I can't go to Waffle House or Courtesy Diner anymore either. Your memory has taken over the city that I've grown to like. But now feel sad in because your memory is everywhere and all I want to do is find you and share everything and nothing with you and laugh and cry and yell and smile and frown.
Posted on June 11th, 2011 at 01:04am

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