late night thoughts

How can anyone listen to me? Sometimes I'm uncertain of the words that come out of my mouth. I hate how I think. I hate how I feel like my thoughts are controlling me. How I feel powerless to do anything when I'm upset other than smoke and cry. I can't trust anyone. I can't trust myself. I know if I were in a situation, something might happen. But it doesn't mean that that's how the other person would treat it. I feel like everyone is out to get me. I feel like I deserve any and all criticism or insults that people say to me, even if they're legitimately out of context or completely irrelevant. I feel like my mind is falling apart. My worries flourish and sometimes they don't. And when they don't, I want them back because I feel like they're important, even when they're just complete bullshit. And sometimes they completely disappear. And that's when I feel at peace. But I have so many unimportant worries plaguing my mind almost constantly. I just want to live. To feel like there is meaning to my life. I want to give people something to be proud of. I want people to recognize me and appreciate me. I want people to like me, to love me, to care about me. I want to give everything to everyone and I don't want a damn thing for it. I want to be satisfied, happy. Complete. I want something for myself in order to feel complete. I want to give myself away, to make other people happy. I want everyone in my life to see me for who I am and to be proud of what I've become
But what I've become is crap. I'm not any different than any other average person. I want to show the beauty of life that I feel to everyone. I want people to know that it's ok to hurt and ok to cry and that life moves on, things change, people change, situations change. And it might be for the better, and it might not. Life is just a big toss up.
And I can't listen to my own words so how am I supposed to tell anyone else? How lost do I need to be before I can truly find myself? I have my passions, yeah. But fulfilling them seems like something that is permanently out of my reach. I do things to better myself, I do things for others, so they won't be upset with me. I feel like I'm giving myself to others in a way that I am not 100% comfortable with, but I do it anyway because I don't want people to be upset with me.
Sometimes I'm not comfortable in my body. I want to tear myself apart because I spout out shit that I don't truly think or feel. Part of my mind clings to the worry and insecurity, although I know deep down it's not what I want, not how I want to say it, not how I even feel. I feel like part of me isn't even me. It's just a build up of bullshit worry and paranoia and distrust that I have for no legitimate reason. I listen to myself talking sometimes and I wonder: is that me saying that crap? Why am I even saying this shit? What corner of my insane mind is conjuring this crap up into words? Tonight I learned something about myself: I just need to shut up. I need to quit being so insecure to the point of not being able to move when I think someone is mad at me. I do have the power to change myself although I don't believe it 95% of the time.
I thought I got over my depression. I even made it a point on a website I joined with different things that a person has a goal for. And I wrote an entry about my depression and how I got over it! I thought I was over it. What happened to that thought? That feeling of security and comfort in my life?! I think if I do more with myself, I'd be happier. I don't like the job I have, I don't like the fact that I'm not in school. I have no real goals for myself. I need something like that. I don't want something like that, but I need it. I need to do something, because nothing isn't working.
And I miss feeling happy. Secure. Normal. There's so much relief from getting out of high school; I felt like the whole world was open for possibilities and opportunities. And now, I don't feel that anymore. I just feel like nothing is going anywhere. I feel like I'm not going to get to be what I really want. And I want to be someone. Or something. Because the nothingness sucks. And I don't like it.
I miss life. And it's missing me. We walk past each other and don't even exchange a word. It goes right on by and I'm merely floating in existentialism and nothing is happening. So none of it makes sense. Right now, it's completely pointless. I need some kind of point. I need to do something other than nothing.
Posted on October 29th, 2011 at 01:53am

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