I need to get this out now, I can't hold it in.

So here I am, 1:30 in the morning and I have to be up at 5:30. No sleep for me. Why not? I don’t know, my mind is racing and even though I know I need sleep… I can’t. The better question is why am I writing this, don’t you think? At least, that’s a better starting point if you ask me. The answer to that is pretty simple. My emotions are breaking apart all around me. You won’t leave my mind, you won’t leave my heart, and you won’t even leave my subconscious. For god's sake last night I had a dream and you were with me and my family at my sister’s house. It was like nothing ever happened between us, like we were better than ever. We kissed, we hugged, we cuddled, we held hands, and we enjoyed each other’s company, genuinely. I was so happy. For the first time in a while now, I felt happy. I got to see your beautiful face, your radiant smile again. Run my fingers through your gorgeous hair and hold your wonderful body in my arms. That meant so much to me. We talked about how I had to miss seeing you on Thanksgiving, and that you wanted to see me as soon as possible. God damnit, I woke up thinking I had to make plans to make my SC Christmas Visit short.

Then it hit me like a brick wall. It wasn’t real. It was a goddamn DREAM. None of the feelings, none of the moments, none of the sensations, not even the words were real. Do you have any idea how much of a blow that was to my psyche? I can’t even think straight now. My mind has been all over the place thinking this and that.

Guess what I heard for the first time in months? Paramore’s The Only Exception. I still remember the night you sang it. I remember where we were, what we were doing, how you looked as you held onto my arm and buried your head. I remember the sound of your voice… All those memories rushed back into my head and I broke down into a little baby… I don’t know what to do at this point, I really don’t.

I did decide one thing, though. I’m just going to keep holding onto the hope, no matter how hopeless it gets. Even if you’re twenty-five and married with a family, I’ll still hold on. Why? Because living with that hope and being sad and miserable is so much better than losing you completely, as friend and more. I will do anything to keep that from happening so if I have to hold onto hapless hope, then so be it. I will without a doubt in my mind. I’m sorry I went off on you for talking about him so much. It just hurts; it will always hurt even if I move on. Please don’t misunderstand. I am so glad you found better, and I’m so glad he makes you as happy as he does. He’s perfect for you, he really is… Just, the thing is you’re perfect for me. I need to grow up, and to mature. I need to prove so many things to you but I will. I don’t care if I have to steal you away from him like I did when we first ever got together. It’s horrible to plot that, isn’t it? But, I don’t care…

I sit here watching you from afar, barely talking to you and longing to just hear your voice. I know you’re happy, with him. That makes my head happy… But my heart wants its happiness back; it wants its other half, the half that only you can fill. You are my soul mate, you always have been. Do you remember what I said when I told you I believed in a form reincarnation? I said no matter how far apart we’d end up, no matter how different we are, whether we are total strangers, friends, or blood relatives, we will find each other and fall in love all over again. I still know that that is true. In my heart, I know that is true. Come hell or high water, I will find my one true love.

Nothing will deter me away from you, or nor anyone. They may get in the way, but it’s only temporary. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, all the problems I’ve caused and all of my issues. I will work on them the best I can for you. I don’t care if you say it’s pointless, because I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell to get you back right now, you know why? I love you. More than you will ever realize, more than I will ever be able to put into mere words alone. It’s why I could never tell you how much I love you, or struggled with it as often as I did. Because it is far too complex to be mulled down into simple words like those I am writing. It either can’t be done or comes out extremely watered down. You are my other half, and I’m sorry for everything I have done.

Darrien, I love you with all of my heart and soul.


*was edited for extreme profanity*

Sorry, it's just been killing me and I needed to type everything out, hopefully it will help me sleep.
Posted on December 5th, 2011 at 03:06am


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