That horrible feeling.

It's been awhile since I've blogged on here. In fact it's been awhile since I've been on GSB at all. Since the old generation got banned or we managed ways to comunicate by msn, text and even meet in person, I almost lost track of why I spent so many days during secondary school hooked on GSB. Until now.
These past few months I've been going through some manic emotional turmoil, something that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to communicate to my friends in the outside world. For those of you at uni, as I am atm, will relate to this, when you live with your friends, they become your family but you also have no secrets. Anything you tell them will come back to haunt you, either by thier sympathetic looks or questions of "how's it going today" - as if you have contracted some terminal illness.
You wouldn't think my ailment is simply that I've fallen head over heels for a boy. Plain and simple as that. A problem that as a teenager may have caused my angst but I would atleast be able to pick it apart and put it back together in a manageable fashion, but for some reason at uni is impossible, because if you tell person a and not person b, its a personal insult to person b that you don't trust them enough. Whilst at school, apart from your bestfriend, no one else gave a flying monkey's about what your crush of the month was.
I've been debating this for the past few weeks & decided it'd be an idea to blog about it, emotions are best described when written out rationally. What betetr place than GSB, the place where I first learned to open up about issues. Funnily enough, 5 years on, I'd still prefer to talk to a stranger than a very close friend about this matter.

So, I'll paint the picture of the issue.
16 months ago, at an end of winter term party of my 3rd year at uni, I bumped into an old friend, (called JG should he ever find this) & ended up kissing him. I say old friend, more like a friend's friend in the year above I'd been introduced to a year or so ago, who I saw occasionally around campus until he had to go do his 4th year in Blackpool. So basically during my 3rd year, hadn't rly expected to see him at all, saw him at a few big parties and didn't ever think anything of it apart from he was fun to talk to and let's face it, a nice view to appreciate.
So the kiss at this end of term party was quite unexpected, especially as I'd just that week broken up with my boyfriend (turns out he was a mental nightmare). To be fair to him as direct as he was about the kiss he was quite bashful about inviting himself back to mine, im sure he loved the walk back home with my two other flatmates, both boys, looking gleeful I'd found them a new playmate. Obviously nothing happened beyond simple kissing and talking, I'm a bit prudish like that I guess. The next morning he leaves abruptly as he was meant to be staying at a friends and had to get his stuff from his before the train back to blackpool. He left in a very gentleman like manner, giving me a kiss goodbye etc, at the time I didnt realsie something was wierd about how happy that made me.
The rest of the year kinda flew by, he came back for a visit in Jan 2012, I hadn;t rly heard from him much since our first kiss, so was very suprised when he basically told me in words to the effect it didnt help if I felt awkward & shy, cos he felt it too & he'd quite liked me but didn't want us too get too serious as he had his final exams coming up and not much free time. I didn't see him for the rest of the academic year, for the most part we chatted incestly by text, with a few lulls, when I'd assumed he'd gotten bored and then he'd randomly message me again.
By exam season, I didn't hear from him at all, I started seeing my ex again, but ended it again because I couldn't get JG out of my head. Again I didn't realise that was wierd.
The summer came & went, I wished him luck for exam results and heard nothing back. I started term a bit later then everyone else as I went on a family holiday.
As I'm a medical student, my term time basically consists of placements at a set hospital. Nothing prepared me for my first day back, when there very first person I see is JG, assigned to the same hospital for his 5th year. All I remember of that day is nausea and vomiting out of shock. I felt like rejection had slapped me twice round the face.
As you can guess, this story has a pattern.
At a welcome back to uni party, we bump into each other and ofc kiss again, and somewhere between the bantar I questioned his silence for the past 6 months & he admitted it was because of exams and he thought I'd not wait around so why bother.
Fine, that sorted, you'd think it'd be smooth sailing, no? No.
Nearly 3 weeks later, where we met up maybe twice or thrice, I called him up on being distant with me again. Rookie mistake. It resulted in him telling me he wasn;t looking for anything serious & he didn't realise I was & didn't wanna persue anything casual either.
Especially as by this point I'd become quite good friends with his friends & even made some plans together as a group. So I had to become a very rude hermit. I pretty much resign myself to the fact I've liked this boy and lost him, when we end up somehow deciding to go for an end of term lunch together in December. Now when me & JG hang out, no matter how long its been, we never discuss anything important, idk why but we ALWAYS just CHAT RUBBISH and BANTAR, I tell you our conversations are comedy gold. Still I walk away feeling confused & once again don't hear much apart from a few texts until Feb of this year, where he rings me to say he is outside my flatdoor.
People, let me remind you, this boy stole my heart, threw it back to me, rekindled a friendship, ran away and then rocks up at my door. Are you beginning to see the emotional yoyo?
How he ended up there I'll never know, he claims he was visiting a friend in my block, I just rolled with it. He leaves on the condition we hang out more, which was fantastic as he definately had earlier on in that evening invited me to lunch on a saturday and for some stupid reason I shot him down saying I'm busy EVERY saturday. I am, but I could have been less direct about it lol. We hang out mroe often & all his friends try to push us together, telling me he still rly likes me. Turns out they were somewhat right, in March he kisses me & says lets play it by ear. Fair enough, since then we see each other alot by chance in the library & hangout for coffee and even go on the occasional dinner 'date'.
Brilliant you say.
No. for the past month he's been distant again, if I see him in the library he'll start come talk to me, but he will hardly ever reply to texts, claiming he is busy with work etc.
Now he's had this past week off, It's definately been 2 weeks since I've seen him, He randomly biked out to Belgium, just cos for the better part of this week, and in reply to an email I sent him, he promised to "give me a shout" this weekend. Said shout still hasn't occured.
People of GSB, I pose to you this lengthy ramble to ask, what should one do? Should I sit tight & wait for him to get in touch & not text him again as I've already texted him since and definately sent the last text. Can I admit to him I miss him like a ton of bricks? Do I call him out on his really odd behaviour? Do I blissfully hope this is part of the pattern and everything will be ok?

In terms of the future, I start my final exams in June & 5 days after they finish I fly out to South America & then India. By the time I return he will have already started working in a near by city as a doctor. I don't know if he'd ever hoped for us long term, soemthing he said back last October was that he didn't want to get his heart broken if we went out for 2 years and then suddenly broke up. At the time I said two years would be good going, but now, I honestly think I'd happily do the whole hog with this boy. For some insane reason, he feels worth it. I cant work out if this lull is part of the pattern, or if it's a gentle hint he wants out & he's just waiting til my exams.

Oh wise GSBians, share with me your thoughts please.

Many apologies for how long & lengthy this is.
Posted on April 27th, 2013 at 07:34pm


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