False Reality
I have amazingly good grades. I can go to any high-school I want. I have a loving family and a best friend that I could die for. I have other people I can trust. I am optimistic about the future. But I feel something missing. I just cant figure out what. I realized I day-dream too much. I dream stories that will never happen, people that I will never meet or that don't even exist, situations I will never be in. I realized that I am caught in the big mess of my dreams a week ago. I was going to the library and I took the bus. I was listening to my mp3 and was so in my imagination that I forgot to get out on the right station. I was staring at it and just missed it. I feel completely lost and over-take by it all.
I think there are two reasons for my problem. One would be love. Love that is bigger than just a friendly love and different than the love of a family. I have been in love so many times and was disappointed every time. I know it sounds like the same whining story, but its the truth. That lousy truth is getting even more complicated now that I am questioning my sexuality. I just want someone to care in a different way and no one does. Am I so fucking ugly? I hate to think that way since thoughts like that never crossed my mind and I promised they never will. Never feel bad cause of a boy [or a girl, who knows?]
There is another problem and that is my sick ambition to succeed. I often have dreams of me either being a famous saxophone player, a Cambridge student, a pathologist, a teacher of language and literature. My cheerful look on life has given me the firm idea that I will succeed in all of that. And that is plainly impossible. I want things that seem too far away. I live in Croatia, not a country with many opportunities, especially not for my hunger. I am afraid of disappointment, but I don't care how others will see it, I am scared that I will die considering myself a failure. I have set so many things for me to accomplish that I cant do in a lifetime. Thats why I dream of things that I am sure I will do in the future. Me being so sure is the big problem. I am trapped in this small country, in a small flat. Every time I clean the dishes or do something of less importance [at least I consider it that way] I feel as if I could spend that time reading a book or learning something new. I absorb knowledge from everything just so time cant stop me in my plan of a big career. I got a B from my literature test and I felt so bad because I want to know 30 languages and read millions of books and I cant even examine a poem. I got a B for crying out loud, some people would kill for that, especially when the whole class got a B except one girl. There are 25 of us! I am going to live home at the age of 18 and go to Cambridge and... You see? It is all planned out carefully. I don't know if my day-dreaming is a problem or my sick fear of failure. I am not the person who would do anything to get a job, but I am sure I will live at a very young age and hurt my parents and my friends. I already told my mom my plans and she laughed. She wont in 4 years. I don't care if I have to be an illegal immigrant, but a desire to live this dumb country and make it happen in UK is driving me crazy, dreaming about people and things I don't have, but want to, has taken my whole life. People think of me as a smart, funny, kind person, but they don't realize that I have created a whole other world for me. This perfect place. Its what I am, a perfectionist, but its all going to lead to something really bad.
I don't care if you read this, I don't know how you will help me, I just needed to put this down. Confess it and accept it. Maybe its the beginning?
I think there are two reasons for my problem. One would be love. Love that is bigger than just a friendly love and different than the love of a family. I have been in love so many times and was disappointed every time. I know it sounds like the same whining story, but its the truth. That lousy truth is getting even more complicated now that I am questioning my sexuality. I just want someone to care in a different way and no one does. Am I so fucking ugly? I hate to think that way since thoughts like that never crossed my mind and I promised they never will. Never feel bad cause of a boy [or a girl, who knows?]
There is another problem and that is my sick ambition to succeed. I often have dreams of me either being a famous saxophone player, a Cambridge student, a pathologist, a teacher of language and literature. My cheerful look on life has given me the firm idea that I will succeed in all of that. And that is plainly impossible. I want things that seem too far away. I live in Croatia, not a country with many opportunities, especially not for my hunger. I am afraid of disappointment, but I don't care how others will see it, I am scared that I will die considering myself a failure. I have set so many things for me to accomplish that I cant do in a lifetime. Thats why I dream of things that I am sure I will do in the future. Me being so sure is the big problem. I am trapped in this small country, in a small flat. Every time I clean the dishes or do something of less importance [at least I consider it that way] I feel as if I could spend that time reading a book or learning something new. I absorb knowledge from everything just so time cant stop me in my plan of a big career. I got a B from my literature test and I felt so bad because I want to know 30 languages and read millions of books and I cant even examine a poem. I got a B for crying out loud, some people would kill for that, especially when the whole class got a B except one girl. There are 25 of us! I am going to live home at the age of 18 and go to Cambridge and... You see? It is all planned out carefully. I don't know if my day-dreaming is a problem or my sick fear of failure. I am not the person who would do anything to get a job, but I am sure I will live at a very young age and hurt my parents and my friends. I already told my mom my plans and she laughed. She wont in 4 years. I don't care if I have to be an illegal immigrant, but a desire to live this dumb country and make it happen in UK is driving me crazy, dreaming about people and things I don't have, but want to, has taken my whole life. People think of me as a smart, funny, kind person, but they don't realize that I have created a whole other world for me. This perfect place. Its what I am, a perfectionist, but its all going to lead to something really bad.
I don't care if you read this, I don't know how you will help me, I just needed to put this down. Confess it and accept it. Maybe its the beginning?
Everyone has ambition.
worn-out astronaut., May 5th, 2007 at 06:48:43am
i don't have ambition ;_;
Micro Sheep, April 30th, 2007 at 09:54:21am
Dont say that irina ;_; Dreams can become reality.
worn-out astronaut., April 27th, 2007 at 04:29:51pm
92% of this is exactly how I feel as well.Exactly the same.Except the fact that you are very ambitious,which is a really good thing.Unfortunately,I'm not as ambitious as you are.Dreams are enough for me ._.
Micro Sheep, April 21st, 2007 at 03:05:34pm
Thanks guys. Its great to have people who can relate to your problems and give you some advice or at least a tap on the back. Yup, Croatia is getting ready for the EU. I don't want this post to sound that I am blaming it all on my country. Its not its fault, just that some people seem to be pulling it back. Thank you for the support
worn-out astronaut., April 3rd, 2007 at 04:21:59pm
Don't feel that your dreams are impossible, it's good to be open minded and have many dreams, nothing is impossible, and if you have the desire to succeed like you say you do that is just another positive thing. Croatia is quickly becoming a much more prominent country, you guys are up for acceptance into the EU now aren't you? I read it was expected to happen in 2009 as a target, that's great. It's a good thing to have plans and goals, they help you succeed. If you have people like your mother who laugh, you'll be the one laughing right back at them when you do accomplish everything.
Kurtni, April 2nd, 2007 at 08:18:57pm
*applauds you*
i don't know if i can help in any way, but i can really and truly relate to the first and third paragraph in your blog..it seems we're in the same boat
i have a huge fear of failure as well
Kelly Khaos, April 2nd, 2007 at 04:40:04pm