False Reality

I have amazingly good grades. I can go to any high-school I want. I have a loving family and a best friend that I could die for. I have other people I can trust. I am optimistic about the future. But I feel something missing. I just cant figure out what. I realized I day-dream too much. I dream stories that will never happen, people that I will never meet or that don't even exist, situations I will never be in. I realized that I am caught in the big mess of my dreams a week ago. I was going to the library and I took the bus. I was listening to my mp3 and was so in my imagination that I forgot to get out on the right station. I was staring at it and just missed it. I feel completely lost and over-take by it all.

I think there are two reasons for my problem. One would be love. Love that is bigger than just a friendly love and different than the love of a family. I have been in love so many times and was disappointed every time. I know it sounds like the same whining story, but its the truth. That lousy truth is getting even more complicated now that I am questioning my sexuality. I just want someone to care in a different way and no one does. Am I so fucking ugly? I hate to think that way since thoughts like that never crossed my mind and I promised they never will. Never feel bad cause of a boy [or a girl, who knows?]

There is another problem and that is my sick ambition to succeed. I often have dreams of me either being a famous saxophone player, a Cambridge student, a pathologist, a teacher of language and literature. My cheerful look on life has given me the firm idea that I will succeed in all of that. And that is plainly impossible. I want things that seem too far away. I live in Croatia, not a country with many opportunities, especially not for my hunger. I am afraid of disappointment, but I don't care how others will see it, I am scared that I will die considering myself a failure. I have set so many things for me to accomplish that I cant do in a lifetime. Thats why I dream of things that I am sure I will do in the future. Me being so sure is the big problem. I am trapped in this small country, in a small flat. Every time I clean the dishes or do something of less importance [at least I consider it that way] I feel as if I could spend that time reading a book or learning something new. I absorb knowledge from everything just so time cant stop me in my plan of a big career. I got a B from my literature test and I felt so bad because I want to know 30 languages and read millions of books and I cant even examine a poem. I got a B for crying out loud, some people would kill for that, especially when the whole class got a B except one girl. There are 25 of us! I am going to live home at the age of 18 and go to Cambridge and... You see? It is all planned out carefully. I don't know if my day-dreaming is a problem or my sick fear of failure. I am not the person who would do anything to get a job, but I am sure I will live at a very young age and hurt my parents and my friends. I already told my mom my plans and she laughed. She wont in 4 years. I don't care if I have to be an illegal immigrant, but a desire to live this dumb country and make it happen in UK is driving me crazy, dreaming about people and things I don't have, but want to, has taken my whole life. People think of me as a smart, funny, kind person, but they don't realize that I have created a whole other world for me. This perfect place. Its what I am, a perfectionist, but its all going to lead to something really bad.

I don't care if you read this, I don't know how you will help me, I just needed to put this down. Confess it and accept it. Maybe its the beginning?
Posted on April 2nd, 2007 at 04:33pm


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