I JUST CAN'T COMMENT SINCE I'M STUPID. I do not wish to defile poetry...
O_O I can't believe someone I've never spoken to dedicated a poem to me...You guys are too nice, I'm not inspiring XDDD I hate my poetry but it's great you're inspired.
I actually love your poetry, you're a great addition to the poetry area, it's about time we got a new writer. And you're younger than all of us, too. You're incredible. People say that it's amazing that I'm 15 and write good poetry, but compared to you that statement is completely nullified.
You sound a lot like me, actually, but you have a lot more originality. You have a crudload of potential and I think you're going to go really far.
BTW.
Call me Eli, darnit! XD
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921
June 16th, 2006 at 02:20pm
That was OSM. And as Eli said, you really are a great addition to the poetry forum. I love your writing.
No-one knows the crash course, yet unnecessary turns to wine
^That line didn't seem to make sense. "Unnecessary" isn't a noun, so...
Respected Blasphemes Of An Abandoned Discipline
That didn't make sense, the bolded part. And Blasphemes made absolutely no sense as the title of this poem, at all.
Crossing swords with a hint of mere discipline
Secrets kept but somehow revealed later tommorrow
Virgin kisses represent a love before the mellow settlement
Linesmen of an abandoned tennis match are trapped inside
Membranes and vertebrates support us in a way thats different
The sugar went to their burnt out head, rushing and flowing
Lemonade and eclairs complete the piles of documents to return
No-one knows the crash course, yet unnecessary turns to wine
Those were a bunch of random (badly punctuated lines) thrown together)
Complaining as the sweat dips down their forlorn face
I'm assuming you mean "drips" there
Establishing a dream that will never exist, only in their head
Refusing a payment to reverse their modern daydream
Abhorrent prevarication’s are malicious and need freedom
Pulseless blunders need slight modification but error
Select styles and one mistake shall be rectified
Bass lines and guitar tabs are left strewn but ordered
Vacant but placid they seems beaded and extravagant
Once again, pretty lines that lead no where, making them pointless and destroying the poem, althought I don't know what the poem is, the lines tell no story and the title makes no sense.
Memorable quests and plastic allures are the tip of the tongue
Being able to converse with different perspectives is in need
Abuse and calculation seems significant in more ways than one
Those lines actually had a point and connected, like poetry! It would have been great if the whole poem was that way.
Trust is a dirty word that only comes from such a liar
DONT STEAL LINES FROM GREEN DAY SONGS OR ANY ARTIST. I don't care if you credit them, it's still uncreative.
Respected and appointed suicidal, doubtful and wry
Prankster of sorts, milder than sorts, apprehensive more sorts
It slips away unbeknownst to the society of the ridden
Still aren't connecting at all.
Blasphemes and warning become the holy love and the holy trust
Well, I guess you got one contradictiory line in there about Blasphemes. If you were going to use a theme that ended in Blasphemes being "holy love", the entire poem should have contradicted itself, not just the last line.
Remarkable Rocket Falling In Love With The Board Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 5761
Respected Blasphemes Of An Abandoned Discipline
That didn't make sense, the bolded part. And Blasphemes made absolutely no sense as the title of this poem, at all.
Crossing swords with a hint of mere discipline
Secrets kept but somehow revealed later tommorrow
Virgin kisses represent a love before the mellow settlement
Linesmen of an abandoned tennis match are trapped inside
Membranes and vertebrates support us in a way thats different
The sugar went to their burnt out head, rushing and flowing
Lemonade and eclairs complete the piles of documents to return
No-one knows the crash course, yet unnecessary turns to wine
Those were a bunch of random (badly punctuated lines) thrown together)
Complaining as the sweat dips down their forlorn face
I'm assuming you mean "drips" there
Establishing a dream that will never exist, only in their head
Refusing a payment to reverse their modern daydream
Abhorrent prevarication’s are malicious and need freedom
Pulseless blunders need slight modification but error
Select styles and one mistake shall be rectified
Bass lines and guitar tabs are left strewn but ordered
Vacant but placid they seems beaded and extravagant
Once again, pretty lines that lead no where, making them pointless and destroying the poem, althought I don't know what the poem is, the lines tell no story and the title makes no sense.
Memorable quests and plastic allures are the tip of the tongue
Being able to converse with different perspectives is in need
Abuse and calculation seems significant in more ways than one
Those lines actually had a point and connected, like poetry! It would have been great if the whole poem was that way.
Trust is a dirty word that only comes from such a liar
DONT STEAL LINES FROM GREEN DAY SONGS OR ANY ARTIST. I don't care if you credit them, it's still uncreative.
Respected and appointed suicidal, doubtful and wry
Prankster of sorts, milder than sorts, apprehensive more sorts
It slips away unbeknownst to the society of the ridden
Still aren't connecting at all.
Blasphemes and warning become the holy love and the holy trust
Well, I guess you got one contradictiory line in there about Blasphemes. If you were going to use a theme that ended in Blasphemes being "holy love", the entire poem should have contradicted itself, not just the last line.
So it was crap?
It sounded very pretty and you have an AMAZING way with word, as do most poets on here. Your problem was nothing in that whole poem was connected, there was no idea to the poem. Just because something sounds pretty doesnt make it an amazing piece of poetry. You said yourself it was random, and random lines slapped together don't make a poem. It wasn't crap, I just think it was far from your best work.
Remarkable Rocket Falling In Love With The Board Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 5761
June 16th, 2006 at 02:27pm
[x]Poetic Disaster[x]:
Hella Intense:
Your not really 11 are you?
I am 11. I swear I am.
Well than I'm impressed with your word choice...and the rythmic style.
At some points.. it does seem pointless.. almost one of those poems people praise because they've no idea what its about.. meaning its gotta be good. Not True.
Good word choice.. though. For your age thats really incredible.
Remarkable Rocket Falling In Love With The Board Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 5761
June 16th, 2006 at 02:29pm
I_worship_tre_Cool:
[x]Poetic Disaster[x]:
I_worship_tre_Cool:
Respected Blasphemes Of An Abandoned Discipline
That didn't make sense, the bolded part. And Blasphemes made absolutely no sense as the title of this poem, at all.
Crossing swords with a hint of mere discipline
Secrets kept but somehow revealed later tommorrow
Virgin kisses represent a love before the mellow settlement
Linesmen of an abandoned tennis match are trapped inside
Membranes and vertebrates support us in a way thats different
The sugar went to their burnt out head, rushing and flowing
Lemonade and eclairs complete the piles of documents to return
No-one knows the crash course, yet unnecessary turns to wine
Those were a bunch of random (badly punctuated lines) thrown together)
Complaining as the sweat dips down their forlorn face
I'm assuming you mean "drips" there
Establishing a dream that will never exist, only in their head
Refusing a payment to reverse their modern daydream
Abhorrent prevarication’s are malicious and need freedom
Pulseless blunders need slight modification but error
Select styles and one mistake shall be rectified
Bass lines and guitar tabs are left strewn but ordered
Vacant but placid they seems beaded and extravagant
Once again, pretty lines that lead no where, making them pointless and destroying the poem, althought I don't know what the poem is, the lines tell no story and the title makes no sense.
Memorable quests and plastic allures are the tip of the tongue
Being able to converse with different perspectives is in need
Abuse and calculation seems significant in more ways than one
Those lines actually had a point and connected, like poetry! It would have been great if the whole poem was that way.
Trust is a dirty word that only comes from such a liar
DONT STEAL LINES FROM GREEN DAY SONGS OR ANY ARTIST. I don't care if you credit them, it's still uncreative.
Respected and appointed suicidal, doubtful and wry
Prankster of sorts, milder than sorts, apprehensive more sorts
It slips away unbeknownst to the society of the ridden
Still aren't connecting at all.
Blasphemes and warning become the holy love and the holy trust
Well, I guess you got one contradictiory line in there about Blasphemes. If you were going to use a theme that ended in Blasphemes being "holy love", the entire poem should have contradicted itself, not just the last line.
So it was crap?
It sounded very pretty and you have an AMAZING way with word, as do most poets on here. Your problem was nothing in that whole poem was connected, there was no idea to the poem. Just because something sounds pretty doesnt make it an amazing piece of poetry. You said yourself it was random, and random lines slapped together don't make a poem. It wasn't crap, I just think it was far from your best work.
I'm only going to disagree with you one thing.. Even though i get what your saying. Sometimes a poem can be all about rythm.. and words.
For example.. one of my moms teacher friends.. has an MFA in poetry. She sometimes writes poetry with VERY little meaning.. and its all about word choice and how words sound toggether. Alliteration and such.
That theory doesn't really apply in this kind of poem thuogh.
I'm only going to disagree with you one thing.. Even though i get what your saying. Sometimes a poem can be all about rythm.. and words.
For example.. one of my moms teacher friends.. has an MFA in poetry. She sometimes writes poetry with VERY little meaning.. and its all about word choice and how words sound toggether. Alliteration and such.
That theory doesn't really apply in this kind of poem thuogh.
No it doesnt, which is why I gave her helpful critiscm. Im getting really sick of everyone sugarcoating comments in this forum. Not everything is "beautiful" and they shouldnt say that. Beauty is more than how a poem sounds, it's about the emotions and meaning of the poem too.
I should scrap this. Its obviously not all that good.
I usually do random lines and it compliments the poem mostly, but it doesn't seems to have worked. -_-
If it complimented the poem it wouldnt be random. All random lines to is make a jumblled mess thats makes no sense at all.
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
June 16th, 2006 at 02:37pm
*starts giggling hysterically*
I have something pretty dedicated to me
But I do agree that is seemed very, very random, even like you said. Some words didn't seem to fit in place, but it had tonnes and tonnes of potential. It could be something really amazing.
Inari King For A Couple Of Days Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 2538
June 16th, 2006 at 02:40pm
Beautiful.
Your talent just keeps growing.
Inari King For A Couple Of Days Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 2538
But I do agree that is seemed very, very random, even like you said. Some words didn't seem to fit in place, but it had tonnes and tonnes of potential. It could be something really amazing.
Each line in this poem has potential to be it's own poem because they are so well written! She just crowded them all into one big blob and it didn't come out well. I really hope you didnt take what I said the wrong way.
But I do agree that is seemed very, very random, even like you said. Some words didn't seem to fit in place, but it had tonnes and tonnes of potential. It could be something really amazing.
Each line in this poem has potential to be it's own poem because they are so well written! She just crowded them all into one big blob and it didn't come out well. I really hope you didnt take what I said the wrong way.
I've got a name.
Yeah so Do I, your point being?I don't use the poetry forum to leanr peoples names and Make friends, sorry
But I do agree that is seemed very, very random, even like you said. Some words didn't seem to fit in place, but it had tonnes and tonnes of potential. It could be something really amazing.
Each line in this poem has potential to be it's own poem because they are so well written! She just crowded them all into one big blob and it didn't come out well. I really hope you didnt take what I said the wrong way.
I've got a name.
Yeah so Do I, your point being?I don't use the poetry forum to leanr peoples names and Make friends, sorry
No, you just use it to rip people's poetry apart, when they worked incredibly hard on them! Yeah, some constructive critism is always good, but the things you do? It just tears apart the meaning of the poetry. So I put some random lines in, SO WHAT? Its my style and I'll bloody well stick to it when i fucking well want to!
And BTW, I was refering to the 'she' you used in your explaination.
I never said anything hateful, I didnt rip your poem apart, I didnt deam you, I gave you critiscm. that is the oint of this forum. If you are going to get upset, and this is going to turn into a fight, don't reply again, I don't want to have to lock a topic over critiscm being taken badly.
Okay, time for me to step in, because me and Inari have pretty much had enough.
The girl is the most talented person in this section. She's been writing for a month and is only 11. My sister is 11 and can barely use the English language.
She's probably the next Emily Dickinson, at this rate; And even so, she's still a writer of a month; Writers at this age should be nurtured, not attacked. Of course, poets eventually along the course of their experience do need to learn to accept criticism, but honestly, she's a novice...(And a divine one might I add).
Okay, time for me to step in, because me and Inari have pretty much had enough.
The girl is the most talented person in this section. She's been writing for a month and is only 11. My sister is 11 and can barely use the English language.
She's probably the next Emily Dickinson, at this rate; And even so, she's still a writer of a month; Writers at this age should be nurtured, not attacked. Of course, poets eventually along the course of their experience do need to learn to accept criticism, but honestly, she's a novice...(And a divine one might I add).
You don't improve with people nurturing you, you improve with people advising you. This forum if for other people to state opinions on poets who post their poems. If she didnt want that, she shouldnt have posted.
Okay, time for me to step in, because me and Inari have pretty much had enough.
The girl is the most talented person in this section. She's been writing for a month and is only 11. My sister is 11 and can barely use the English language.
She's probably the next Emily Dickinson, at this rate; And even so, she's still a writer of a month; Writers at this age should be nurtured, not attacked. Of course, poets eventually along the course of their experience do need to learn to accept criticism, but honestly, she's a novice...(And a divine one might I add).
You don't improve with people nurturing you, you improve with people advising you. This forum if for other people to state opinions on poets who post their poems. If she didnt want that, she shouldnt have posted.
Yes, you do.
When a baby is still under a year old and does something bad, you don't tell it to stop, only when it's slightly older, because that's just logical. o_O; Yes, this forum IS for advisory, but honestly, the kid just started writing.
Actually, I'm not going to bicker because teenage hormones to everyones dismay cause us to fight until the death, until "we win" because "we're so fucking right."
XD
*shuts up*
Remarkable Rocket Falling In Love With The Board Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 5761
June 16th, 2006 at 05:24pm
I_worship_tre_Cool:
Hella Intense:
I'm only going to disagree with you one thing.. Even though i get what your saying. Sometimes a poem can be all about rythm.. and words.
For example.. one of my moms teacher friends.. has an MFA in poetry. She sometimes writes poetry with VERY little meaning.. and its all about word choice and how words sound toggether. Alliteration and such.
That theory doesn't really apply in this kind of poem thuogh.
No it doesnt, which is why I gave her helpful critiscm. Im getting really sick of everyone sugarcoating comments in this forum. Not everything is "beautiful" and they shouldnt say that. Beauty is more than how a poem sounds, it's about the emotions and meaning of the poem too.
Yes.. and beauty is also more than just what it's about.
it's a 50/50 situation.
I think she represented both well.. the meaning.. which came accross rather... er.. shadowy.. but still came accross.. and sound... her word choice was excelent.
And she's 11. So I'm very impressed.
(All in my personal opinion).
But that's the end for me.
Ol' Blue Eyes. King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 4816
June 16th, 2006 at 07:31pm
Leave her alone. Her poems are beautiful, and, considering she's 11, it's impressive.
And I'm sorry, but she said in the very first post she borrowed the line from a Green Day song. If she quoted it, then it's not stealing.
