peas lover.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 3502
 | July 3rd, 2006 at 03:36pm Another Blank Obituary
Alone in her corner,
Drowning in her rage,
With the face of a mourner,
Because her heart is in a cage.
Lost in her own deception,
Stuck in the hate's maze.
Her soul in deed is beyond redemption,
She wants to kill them with her cold gaze.
A touch of pain,
A drip of blood,
A slit opened vein,
A blooded flood.
Another pretty corpse in the mortuary,
Pale skin against the cold metal's touch.
Another blank obituary,
She was too young to do much.
Another funeral on a rainy day,
Weeping parents, lost in pain.
Another open cascet, a girl gazing at the stars' array.
It was so much easier just to look the other way.
She left a note, a red piece of paper in her hand.
This is what it said:
For all the pieces of my heart I will never mend,
For all the love-letters I will never send,
For all the lost sunsets and the walks on the wet sand.
You saw me begging, you looked the other way.
Now this is me dead,
Your late friend. |
Meski
Addict
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 14856
 | July 3rd, 2006 at 03:38pm I liked the way its written and the flow, so I guess that the poem is very good |
peas lover.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 3502
| July 3rd, 2006 at 03:39pm thanks = ] |
Vanity and Death
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2129 | July 3rd, 2006 at 05:39pm I thought some of rhymes seemed a little forced and were fairly simple. And it was the basic ABAB form, but for some reason, I liked it.
I think you did a good job.
(: |
peas lover.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 3502
| July 3rd, 2006 at 05:40pm i like keeping it simple...check the requiem for a traitor,maybe you'll find it better...
thanks =] |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
| July 3rd, 2006 at 05:44pm Didn't really flow all that well and the rhymes were forced. Don't like this at all:
A touch of pain,
A drip of blood,
A slit opened vein,
A blooded flood.
It was okay; I think you can do better.  |
peas lover.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 3502
| July 3rd, 2006 at 05:50pm i know....this was written in in, like, two mins...i needed to get it all out....not usually my style at all.....i'll post another later... |
Tahm York
This Board Is My Home
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 31394
| July 3rd, 2006 at 06:09pm it was ok
I mean that in a good way =] |
peas lover.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 3502
| July 3rd, 2006 at 06:28pm thanks |
Ol' Blue Eyes.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 4816
| July 5th, 2006 at 10:58am I think the rhyming was very forced.
But I did like the imagery you used.
[: |
peas lover.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 3502
| July 5th, 2006 at 12:36pm To tell you the truth, the rhyming was forced only in this part:
A touch of pain,
A drip of blood,
A slit opened vein,
A blooded flood.
I need somekind of a transition.
Not my best one, I know....But there is a story behind it. It means a great deal to me. |
