Where? (Revised)

Original version:

where will we go in life
with no one to love
no where to live
without a hug
or a best firend
alone in this world
could we make it
without a kiss
or that one dreaam
lose all our hope before we can see
not with our eyes
but our heart
the only thing is...
we won't go far

Revised version:

Where will we go in life?

With no one to love,
no where to live.

Without a hug,
or a best firend.

Alone in this world...
could we make it?

Without a kiss,
or that one dream.

Lose all our hope before we can see.

Not with our eyes,
but our heart.

The only thing is...
we won't go far.



Is this better?

woweeeeeee im hyper and im lovin ur poem

beans:

woweeeeeee im hyper and im lovin ur poem

Yeah, but you know nothing of poetry




Anyway, about the poen, it is kind of sweet. But, but, but… It’s way cliché and extremely banal. It’s not even really poetry.

To write poetry:
1. Try not to be so straight to the point. You can use metaphors, grand words (be careful with that though) or be vague (but make sure you get the message across). You should use descriptive words (adjectives, adverbs).
2. Proofread and edit your poem before posting. Always. You have two very unnecessary spelling mistakes in this poem (“firend” should be “friend” and "dreaam” should be “dream”).
3. Try to write about something that’s not so common or write in a different/unique way.
4. You need to create a flow. For that you need:
5. It would help if you wrote in stanzas.
6. You really, really need to use punctuation and capital letters. A full stop, sentences over. New sentence, capital letter.

Now you don’t have to care at all about this but I advice you to. In any case, good luck and have fun writing!

i love it!

What's in a name?:

beans:

woweeeeeee im hyper and im lovin ur poem

Yeah, but you know nothing of poetry




Anyway, about the poen, it is kind of sweet. But, but, but… It’s way cliché and extremely banal. It’s not even really poetry.

To write poetry:
1. Try not to be so straight to the point. You can use metaphors, grand words (be careful with that though) or be vague (but make sure you get the message across). You should use descriptive words (adjectives, adverbs).
2. Proofread and edit your poem before posting. Always. You have two very unnecessary spelling mistakes in this poem (“firend” should be “friend” and "dreaam” should be “dream”).
3. Try to write about something that’s not so common or write in a different/unique way.
4. You need to create a flow. For that you need:
5. It would help if you wrote in stanzas.
6. You really, really need to use punctuation and capital letters. A full stop, sentences over. New sentence, capital letter.

Now you don’t have to care at all about this but I advice you to. In any case, good luck and have fun writing!

well i really dont care i wrote it for me and i thought that i would share it i know how to wright poetry so stop criticizing me



every1 else thank you

The choppyness wasn't a bad thing in my opinion.
I like this.

What's in a name?:

beans:

woweeeeeee im hyper and im lovin ur poem

Yeah, but you know nothing of poetry




Anyway, about the poen, it is kind of sweet. But, but, but… It’s way cliché and extremely banal. It’s not even really poetry.

To write poetry:
1. Try not to be so straight to the point. You can use metaphors, grand words (be careful with that though) or be vague (but make sure you get the message across). You should use descriptive words (adjectives, adverbs).
2. Proofread and edit your poem before posting. Always. You have two very unnecessary spelling mistakes in this poem (“firend” should be “friend” and "dreaam” should be “dream”).
3. Try to write about something that’s not so common or write in a different/unique way.
4. You need to create a flow. For that you need:
5. It would help if you wrote in stanzas.
6. You really, really need to use punctuation and capital letters. A full stop, sentences over. New sentence, capital letter.

Now you don’t have to care at all about this but I advice you to. In any case, good luck and have fun writing!

this isn't about Beans, but I do love teh food. Anyway, what's in a name? person dude, don't be mean. Honestly, it's there way of expressing themselves, and if it means a broken up sentence, than that's fine. Look at wat other people wrote. they like it. Just give it a rest already! I saw what you posted on someone else's poem and u did the exact same thing. You're really being a bitch, and I don't think anyone appreciates it. the person who wrote this had enough courage to post it up on here, and let the world see. If you think it's so bad, y don't u post something u think is just so "fantastic". then we'll see if u'r really an "expert" at poety.

*Pyrotechnics_Anonymous*:

What's in a name?:

beans:

woweeeeeee im hyper and im lovin ur poem

Yeah, but you know nothing of poetry




Anyway, about the poen, it is kind of sweet. But, but, but… It’s way cliché and extremely banal. It’s not even really poetry.

To write poetry:
1. Try not to be so straight to the point. You can use metaphors, grand words (be careful with that though) or be vague (but make sure you get the message across). You should use descriptive words (adjectives, adverbs).
2. Proofread and edit your poem before posting. Always. You have two very unnecessary spelling mistakes in this poem (“firend” should be “friend” and "dreaam” should be “dream”).
3. Try to write about something that’s not so common or write in a different/unique way.
4. You need to create a flow. For that you need:
5. It would help if you wrote in stanzas.
6. You really, really need to use punctuation and capital letters. A full stop, sentences over. New sentence, capital letter.

Now you don’t have to care at all about this but I advice you to. In any case, good luck and have fun writing!

this isn't about Beans, but I do love teh food. Anyway, what's in a name? person dude, don't be mean. Honestly, it's there way of expressing themselves, and if it means a broken up sentence, than that's fine. Look at wat other people wrote. they like it. Just give it a rest already! I saw what you posted on someone else's poem and u did the exact same thing. You're really being a bitch, and I don't think anyone appreciates it. the person who wrote this had enough courage to post it up on here, and let the world see. If you think it's so bad, y don't u post something u think is just so "fantastic". then we'll see if u'r really an "expert" at poety.

I think its fine with the critizism. Maybe whoever wrote it didnt ask for advice on how to make it better, but would you rather have a sucky poem (Not saying this one is) and everyone just saying 'great, i love it' or have constructive critizism? Because it is constructive, which means she/whoever wrote the poem can use it later.
Anyways, the poem is good! Its simple, and the point comes across. Not the usual poem.

The poetry thread is a place to get general feedback. Just because someone posts a poem doesn't mean everyone's going to love it, and it doesn't mean everyone is going to hate it. Posting a poem here means that anyone can post their opinion about it. What's In a Name was just giving you (hi billie) some critiques that, to be honest, weren't mean at all but rather giving you advice.

Personally, I thought your message could've been conveyed a lot more poetically, but it wasn't all bad. You just need to edit (and spellcheck) until you reach something unique and different. It was sweet, but could be improved.

Good luck writing.

that's true. I did over react. I've seen better, but still, it was on the mean side.

hi billie:

What's in a name?:

beans:

woweeeeeee im hyper and im lovin ur poem

Yeah, but you know nothing of poetry




Anyway, about the poen, it is kind of sweet. But, but, but… It’s way cliché and extremely banal. It’s not even really poetry.

To write poetry:
1. Try not to be so straight to the point. You can use metaphors, grand words (be careful with that though) or be vague (but make sure you get the message across). You should use descriptive words (adjectives, adverbs).
2. Proofread and edit your poem before posting. Always. You have two very unnecessary spelling mistakes in this poem (“firend” should be “friend” and "dreaam” should be “dream”).
3. Try to write about something that’s not so common or write in a different/unique way.
4. You need to create a flow. For that you need:
5. It would help if you wrote in stanzas.
6. You really, really need to use punctuation and capital letters. A full stop, sentences over. New sentence, capital letter.

Now you don’t have to care at all about this but I advice you to. In any case, good luck and have fun writing!

well i really dont care i wrote it for me and i thought that i would share it i know how to wright poetry so stop criticizing me



every1 else thank you

Fine. That’s up to you. I never said that you had to do anything I advised you too. I wasn’t as much criticising you as giving some feedback. Take care.

*Pyrotechnics_Anonymous*:

What's in a name?:

beans:

woweeeeeee im hyper and im lovin ur poem

Yeah, but you know nothing of poetry




Anyway, about the poen, it is kind of sweet. But, but, but… It’s way cliché and extremely banal. It’s not even really poetry.

To write poetry:
1. Try not to be so straight to the point. You can use metaphors, grand words (be careful with that though) or be vague (but make sure you get the message across). You should use descriptive words (adjectives, adverbs).
2. Proofread and edit your poem before posting. Always. You have two very unnecessary spelling mistakes in this poem (“firend” should be “friend” and "dreaam” should be “dream”).
3. Try to write about something that’s not so common or write in a different/unique way.
4. You need to create a flow. For that you need:
5. It would help if you wrote in stanzas.
6. You really, really need to use punctuation and capital letters. A full stop, sentences over. New sentence, capital letter.

Now you don’t have to care at all about this but I advice you to. In any case, good luck and have fun writing!

this isn't about Beans, but I do love teh food. Anyway, what's in a name? person dude, don't be mean. Honestly, it's there way of expressing themselves, and if it means a broken up sentence, than that's fine. Look at wat other people wrote. they like it. Just give it a rest already! I saw what you posted on someone else's poem and u did the exact same thing. You're really being a bitch, and I don't think anyone appreciates it. the person who wrote this had enough courage to post it up on here, and let the world see. If you think it's so bad, y don't u post something u think is just so "fantastic". then we'll see if u'r really an "expert" at poety.

I really can’t see how that was mean at all. Mean would be “hey, you fuckin’ idiot. Get the hell out here 'cuz you fucking suck.” etc. I was rather polite and just gave some constructive criticism. That’s what this thread is for. It is a way of expressing yourself but as I see it it’s art as well. So you can be good or bad at it and there are things you can do to improve. I can’t see how it’s mean to give some tips that might help the poet improve. Of course I do the same thing at several poems. Those persons are doing the same “errors”. I’m not a bitch, I am in fact quite polite. And there are, for your information, several persons on here who do appreciate feedback and constructive criticism instead of pointless praises. Just for the record, I‘ve posted far over a hundred poems on here. A lot of GSBians have loved them but it’s not up to me to say that those poems are fantastic. I wouldn’t dream of calling myself an expert. I’m an armature. I don’t get paid for writing poems, hence not an expert. I do however believe that I have enough experience to give tips the way I do. Ten years of writing poetry is on my side. The rude one here is you. But hey, let’s not make a fight out of this. Look, I apologize if I offended someone; my only intention was to help. Take care.

ok, sorry. I didn't want to get in a fight either, but I though that it was sort of mean. Now that I read it over, I find that it was okay. Truely, I'm sorry.

What's in a name?:

beans:

woweeeeeee im hyper and im lovin ur poem

Yeah, but you know nothing of poetry




Anyway, about the poen, it is kind of sweet. But, but, but… It’s way cliché and extremely banal. It’s not even really poetry.

To write poetry:
1. Try not to be so straight to the point. You can use metaphors, grand words (be careful with that though) or be vague (but make sure you get the message across). You should use descriptive words (adjectives, adverbs).
2. Proofread and edit your poem before posting. Always. You have two very unnecessary spelling mistakes in this poem (“firend” should be “friend” and "dreaam” should be “dream”).
3. Try to write about something that’s not so common or write in a different/unique way.
4. You need to create a flow. For that you need:
5. It would help if you wrote in stanzas.
6. You really, really need to use punctuation and capital letters. A full stop, sentences over. New sentence, capital letter.

Now you don’t have to care at all about this but I advice you to. In any case, good luck and have fun writing!

I agree. It doesn't sound like she put much effort into it. It sounds okay for a first time though..

*Pyrotechnics_Anonymous*:

ok, sorry. I didn't want to get in a fight either, but I though that it was sort of mean. Now that I read it over, I find that it was okay. Truely, I'm sorry.

It is ok. I can be slightly mean, or rather thoughtless, sometimes when giving feedback. I’ll be careful about what to write from now on so there will be a minimal risk of misunderstanding. Really, it’s ok.

schweet. seem this is y i like GSB so much. so understanding!

^_^ Yeah, a lot of people really try not to judge and bash. I’ve met more understanding people on here then I have for real in my entire life. But now we're way off topic . So if you wanna keep talking feel free to pm me.

hi billie:

Is this better?

It is better and I think it’s kinda good now. Of course it’s still extremely simplistic but now it has a good structure and a nice flow. You’re definitely on the right track.

Just so you know, you choose a quite good subject to write about and used a fitting register and a proper wording.

Keep writing, keep writing

The revised version of your poem gave me a reason to read it. It could use some more description as well as structure (format stanza wise, how much you put in each stanza, etc.) Overall, it was just ok.

Winter Wonderland.:

The revised version of your poem gave me a reason to read it. It could use some more description as well as structure (format stanza wise, how much you put in each stanza, etc.) Overall, it was just ok.

What's in a name?:

hi billie:

Is this better?

It is better and I think it’s kinda good now. Of course it’s still extremely simplistic but now it has a good structure and a nice flow. You’re definitely on the right track.

Just so you know, you choose a quite good subject to write about and used a fitting register and a proper wording.

Keep writing, keep writing

good so what do you think i should do to it to make it better?