Mentor Thread

AuthorMessage
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
January 2nd, 2007 at 02:11pm
I thought the first two lines were a little predictable, but that's just my opinion. 'Incredibly' wasn't strong enough to convey the passion I know you have. I just wanted to suggest something like 'so relentlessly imaginary', to suggest a kind of anger as well as power, if that makes sense.

I thought the rhyming couplet was really great. Actually, that sounds a little weak. I really love it, I thought it was fantastic.

I like the idea of the last stanza, but read it aloud, and you find that it reads very similar to an AAAA structure, and that become very monotonous, despite the content being brilliant. 'That they all feared and despised has been so utterly sensationalized' was my personal favourite, I think you should definately keep that and rephrase the first two lines.

Hope that helps you.
lyrical_mess
Falling In Love With The Board
lyrical_mess
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Posts: 5278

Mibba Blog
January 4th, 2007 at 09:53am
I need help (duh), I want to continue this one so bad, but I don't know if I should. I've also got this ginourmous doubt in my mind about the flow and I don't even know what the poem is about O_o...

The typewriter goes clickity-clack
But no one's buying your innocence, honey.
You may as well trash the apology
Because you're wasting all your time.

No romantic notes
Filled with dreams and hopes
Will win me over again.

I've opened my eyes and realized
That you aren't and never were mine.
And it's all I can do not to cry.
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
January 9th, 2007 at 03:14pm
The only main criticism that I have is 'clickity-clack', I'm not sure why but it just didn't sound right. You're right - it doesn't flow too well, but if you tried re-drafting it later it could be better. I mean, not a major re-draft, because some of the phrases you used were really awesome.
The Doctor
Falling In Love With The Board
The Doctor
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 8785

Mibba Blog
January 12th, 2007 at 03:02pm
Cheese has my poetry got rabies?!

http://www.geekstinkbreath.net/board/topic/49978/

Please crit.
C.j. Hardcore Pansy
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
C.j. Hardcore Pansy
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 97

Mibba
January 18th, 2007 at 10:24pm
What's in a name?:
Desperate for attention:
Awesome....I have an unfinished poem that I would like to be completed -ahem-

These pass few years have been fun
But now your lies have come undone
My regrets are shinning through
And all this pain started with you


How's that? It's not good but it's not great....at least that's what I think. And I want to finish it, but I don't know what else to put....

Fizz


It’s a very common kind of poetry with its short rows, lack of punctuation, AABB rhyming and very simple vocabulary. If you in spite of that want to complete it then I suggest that you use this site as a help. Because one of the problems with rhymes is that it can be very restricting. Often they are forced to make the poem move along.

To continue the poem you can 1) put it aside and try to find inspiration through other peoples poems (or any kind of written work) or 2) think about what story you want to tell (what you wan to say with your poem) and/or what feeling you want to communicate to the reader.

Hopefully you began writing for a reason and if you can pin point that and stick to it you might be able to finish your poem.

Otherwise my suggestion is that you give up on this poem and drop by at the “Poetry Tips 2” thread and read the tips there Wink

Good luck! ^_^


hehe.....i use that site on almost all of my poems.....wow...it took me forever to respond
lyrical_mess
Falling In Love With The Board
lyrical_mess
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Posts: 5278

Mibba Blog
January 19th, 2007 at 11:55am
Joan Greenwood:
Cheese has my poetry got rabies?!

http://www.geekstinkbreath.net/board/topic/49978/

Please crit.


Yes!!!! Your poetry has rabies and cancer and leprosy and typhoid and polio and hepatitis.

But I'll be a caring soul and go read it.
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
January 19th, 2007 at 02:37pm
Laughing No, your poetry doesn't have rabies. I gave you commentssssss. Because I'm nice like that. Very Happy
PhotoBoy.
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
PhotoBoy.
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 24
January 21st, 2007 at 10:49am
Sruti:
I need help (duh), I want to continue this one so bad, but I don't know if I should. I've also got this ginourmous doubt in my mind about the flow and I don't even know what the poem is about O_o...

The typewriter goes clickity-clack
But no one's buying your innocence, honey.
You may as well trash the apology
Because you're wasting all your time.

No romantic notes
Filled with dreams and hopes
Will win me over again.

I've opened my eyes and realized
That you aren't and never were mine.
And it's all I can do not to cry.


I quite like the clickaty-clack myself.
Didn't like the last stanza though.
First one was great...it was sort've cynical + I liked the choppiness.
But all that kinda got lost.
Try re-writing the last stanza the same way you did the first, + then maybe you could think about expanding it a bit more.

Good start though.
Misanthropist
Post Whore
Misanthropist
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 23279
January 22nd, 2007 at 08:42pm
Think Okay. So, I'm trying this poetry piece and I was wondering if someone could tell me what's wrong, because I know there's something. I'm thinking I need to change the point of view, what do you guys think?

They were make believe sisters,
dressing up in flaky reassurance and whatever else
they could hold between them.

Identical in feelings,
a mismatched duo illfated.
When laughter faded within the thick layers
between echoes.

They were creatures with cruelty
self inflicted
creating battered appearences glossed over,
painted in jade.

They're footprint are hidden by spiders,
who keep the hospitals warm and the needles ready.

and that's where I ran out of steam. I was going for a gist that these two girls, best friends, were once cosy and innocent but than they became different, changed, ready to mature.
I have an idea of what I want, but I know I can do better. help?
Ahhhh!
Jackass
Ahhhh!
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1372
January 23rd, 2007 at 07:00pm
There is nothing left; just silence
After the heavy metal acid rain
Dust will settle, ashes burn out
No war torn children...no one survived

Help?
Ahhhh!
Jackass
Ahhhh!
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1372
January 29th, 2007 at 10:20pm
Born in a crossfire hellhole
Declawed before i could scratch
Live in a middle class war-zone
Attacked from both sides
We will all rot the same in the end

There is nothing left; just silence
After the heavy metal acid rain
Dust will settle, ashes burn out
War torn children no longer feel pain

Unarmed isnt un-harmed
We're killing eachother cause we can
Our land will never be the same
Our day will come
We will find peace as ashes on the ground

There is nothing left; just silence
After the heavy metal acid rain
Dust will settle, ashes burn out
War torn children no longer feel pain
sexx laws.
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
sexx laws.
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 74
February 3rd, 2007 at 04:39pm
Misanthropist:
^ I'm having the same problem..kind of.

I have writer's block, but when I do write, I've been feeling like it's all cliche and redundant. Not too mention mundane. How can I make my poetry something unique, without just repeated what everyone else does?

What I do is listen to music and listen to the words.
Or look at words in dictionaries.
Some words can call up different sorts of memories or attachments that may help.
And Six Feet Under is teh shiz.
wait_what
Geek
wait_what
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 411

Mibba Blog
February 25th, 2007 at 01:03pm
There's a conest thing at Purdue in which writers can submit their poetry, and if it is selected, it will get published in Purdue's literary magazine "The Bell Tower"

I've been selected before, so I know I can get in again. The thing is, is that I have 15 poems that I like, and I don't want to submit that many. I was wondering if you could help me narrow it down to at least 5. Thank you SOOOO much.

Word document of my 15 poems
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
What's in a name?
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451

Mibba
February 25th, 2007 at 01:22pm
wait_what:
There's a conest thing at Purdue in which writers can submit their poetry, and if it is selected, it will get published in Purdue's literary magazine "The Bell Tower"

I've been selected before, so I know I can get in again. The thing is, is that I have 15 poems that I like, and I don't want to submit that many. I was wondering if you could help me narrow it down to at least 5. Thank you SOOOO much.

Word document of my 15 poems
I narrowed it down to three poems that I think are good. I personally liked them the most.

Joy of Lies
The Maiden
The Last Trip
wait_what
Geek
wait_what
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 411

Mibba Blog
February 26th, 2007 at 10:24pm
Thanks! Is there anyone else that could help?
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
February 28th, 2007 at 11:24am
I've read through them too, noting particular things which caught my eye and narrowing them down based on my intial impressions.

There’s No Need To… Me thinks this is the best poem in the document, but others might disagree with me.
The Maiden
The Space On Top

Although, I really liked Sporadic as well. The reason I chose The Space On Top instead of that is because I think that the judges would respond well to it, perhaps not so much with Sporadic, but out of the two I preferred its imagery...

Yeah. That made no sense. Hope it helped though.
wait_what
Geek
wait_what
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 411

Mibba Blog
February 28th, 2007 at 04:06pm
Okay, I've got the poems I've chosen. Thank you both for your help. It's really appreciated! <3
Dead End Girl
Addict
Dead End Girl
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 10219
July 22nd, 2007 at 06:39pm
I figured I'd revive this thread with a new post.
So I've been working on this song, right, and I have one part.
It was originally designed to be the chorus, but...it's a bit long. So...I don't really know :3. Help me out?

Talk to me demonic
You've got me by the sterio
Whisper me angelic
Cause I've got no place to go
Kiss me like their's no other
But I can see it in your eyes
You've got me diving under
But still I have to try

lyrical_mess
Falling In Love With The Board
lyrical_mess
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Posts: 5278

Mibba Blog
August 17th, 2007 at 07:02pm
Whoa...I'm back here after forever. Hanyway, this is something I came up with a little while ago. But I'm just...not quite sure of something. I don't know what the something is. I'm just not sure of it. I dunno...what do you think?

Lunatics in golden chains
Dymphna’s here to heal your pain
To all those who say love’s just a myth
Aphrodite won’t hear another word of it.

Silver lined clouds and diamond rain pours down
But faith is slowly ebbing away
So easy to lose, much simpler to conclude
That nothing of the sort exists.
I refuse to believe a word of it.
holden caulfield.
Idiot
holden caulfield.
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 546
December 16th, 2007 at 06:37am
Dead End Girl:
I figured I'd revive this thread with a new post.
So I've been working on this song, right, and I have one part.
It was originally designed to be the chorus, but...it's a bit long. So...I don't really know :3. Help me out?

Talk to me demonic
You've got me by the sterio
Whisper me angelic
Cause I've got no place to go
Kiss me like their's no other
But I can see it in your eyes
You've got me diving under
But still I have to try



That's amazing. How about something like:

When I try
I never succeed
Your breath creeping by
Your air is all I breathe


lyrical_mess:
Whoa...I'm back here after forever. Hanyway, this is something I came up with a little while ago. But I'm just...not quite sure of something. I don't know what the something is. I'm just not sure of it. I dunno...what do you think?

Lunatics in golden chains
Dymphna’s here to heal your pain
To all those who say love’s just a myth
Aphrodite won’t hear another word of it.

Silver lined clouds and diamond rain pours down
But faith is slowly ebbing away
So easy to lose, much simpler to conclude
That nothing of the sort exists.
I refuse to believe a word of it.


I really like that. It has a dark, dirty grimy feel to it. Very nice.
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