love

I wrote this poem for a special person and i want it to be a surprise for him.
So please critisize it honestly. I also dont have a title yet.
Thank You



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If I light up a candle the fire is warm, warm like you.
If I feel the heat of the candle, I feel you.
You're giving me warmth, strength and a light in the dark.
So light up a candle and show me the right path.

If I pick up a flower, beautiful like you,
I never want to let go.
I put it into water, keeping it safe,
giving it all my warmth, all my love,
like I will give you.

If I look at the sun, shining bright like your eyes,
I drown in its depth and grace.
I see a shining in your eyes that never can be replaced.
You make me feel complete in so many ways.

If I see a butterfly, it reminds me of your love.
And the feeling you give me deep inside.
I'm watching the butterfly fly high above,
Reaching the sky, flying over to your house.

So let me be your butterfly,
reaching the sky,
flying to you,
never letting go.

Let me be your candle,
lighting you the way through the dark
and I want to be your flower
giving you all my heart.

If I can be your sun,
I will shine just for you.
Till the end of time,
never letting go
cause I love you so.

I think it's really sweet.

I love the way you've picked normal things and linked them to him.

It's a really sweet poem =) nature linked to poetry... original.

thank you guys

Make you Smile.:

Aw, that's so sweet. :]

I have no idea for a title though..

#1

...the poet even asked specifically for (constructive) criticism

It's really sweet. But the first verse is way too repetitive, you say 'warm/warmth' four times in the entire stanza, it just didn't sound good. 'Butterfly' also became a little repetitive...

'If I look at the sun, shining bright like your eyes,
I drown in its deepness and grace'.

I really liked these lines, but I would've changed 'deepness' to 'depth'.

It's got so much potential to be really special, and I'm sure he'll love that you've put so much effort into it.

Ginger Nuts:

It's really sweet. But the first verse is way too repetitive, you say 'warm/warmth' four times in the entire stanza, it just didn't sound good. 'Butterfly' also became a little repetitive...

'If I look at the sun, shining bright like your eyes,
I drown in its deepness and grace'.

I really liked these lines, but I would've changed 'deepness' to 'depth'.

It's got so much potential to be really special, and I'm sure he'll love that you've put so much effort into it.

thank you
do you have any idea or suggestion how to change the first verse?

You can feel it. So many people write poems about bitter love and heartbreak and half the time, they don't mean a thing. But you wrote a poem about a positive feeling--a happy feeling. And reading it can actually make the reader happy. I like it. A lot. I especially like these two verses

If I look at the sun, shining bright like your eyes,
I drown in its deepness and grace.
I see a shining in your eyes that never can be replaced.
You make me feel complete in so many ways.

If I see a butterfly, it reminds me of your love.
And the feeling you give me deep inside.
I'm watching the butterfly fly high above,
Reaching the sky, flying over to your house.

thank you

If I light up a candle the fire is warm, warm like sparks.
If I feel its resonating heat, I feel you beside me.
You give me strength; light behind my eyes to kill the dark,
So light up a candle and show me a less walked path.

Just an idea. And to show you how to avoid the repetition in the 'butterfly' lines too, if you wanted to improve those. (I chose to sparks to rhyme with dark... I think you were using ABAC on the four line verses...)

wow that sounds really good
thank you
I'll look what I can do with it

I edited the poem a little

love it ^_^
for once someone posted a poem that makes sense and isn't depresive. so no, thank YOU. keep writing!

thank you <3

and I showed he poem to him and he loved it!!!