London Underground

Written very quickly during photography class, so it's really pretty awful. As always, constructive criticism wanted.


They've got this all wrong. It's like laryngitis of
the heart, or like pinning a flittering butterfly to
a brick wall; both as delicate and volatile as
amethyst. I'm shooting stars like heroin while trains

speed across my calloused wrists, travelling down my
veins. I have a map of the London Underground traced
upon my shallow skin, and now I just need to find a
cartographer who can decipher the routes and patterns.

They've got this all wrong, I'm saner than I've ever
been. Just because I'm Autumn and they're Spring,
they think that they can infuse my sporadic blood with
sickly tranquillisers. Or maybe it's like bruising

of the soul, or like ripping the wings of a paper moth;
both as fragile and destructive as ruby. They've got
this all wrong, it's not lithium that I need. Don't they
understand I'm always rehearsing for a stage show that

never premieres? My soft, gooseberry green dress just
doesn't feel comfortable when pressed between my shivering
skin and a blank, solitary wall. Just what happens when
ivory lace fuses to shoulder blades like second degree burns?

How can you write things so quickly that ooze such brilliance?

I can't even give you constructive criticism I love it so much. Once again your descriptive words blossom against the others to make it even more awesomeeee.

'I'm shooting stars like heroin'

^ That line was uber cool.

Wow...

Speechlessly amazing.

Seriously.

Only one mere thing...

Just what happens when
ivory lace fuses to shoulder blades like second degree burns?

I would rephrase it to something like...

Just what exactly happenes when
ivory lace fuses to shoulder blades like second degree burns?

That's all...sorry ^^;

Astonishing.

I'm shooting stars like heroin while trains

speed across my calloused wrists, travelling down my
veins.

Beautiful. I'm lost for words.

Thank you so much. *spasms* Ella likes it!

I agree, I'm extremely jealous.

The format is different but it makes it stand out. It also shows your prowess.

Unlike the rest, I'm not going to try and pick a line I particularly liked. They all spoke to me more than anything else I think I've ever read.

I'm going to add a bit of constructive criticism in the form of telling you not to put yourself down. This is pure brilliance, it glows like a diamond amongst coals. Whether you wrote t quickly or not it's beautiful. You may put people off if you put yourself down so don't do it again.

That's all I can say without going overboard. This poem is amazing. End of.

Thank you again everyone. I really didn't expect to get such a good response.

I adore the structure, the way the stanzas float together so smoothly.

Also, I’m so extremely jealous of you! I wish I could write such amazing and beautiful metaphors!
Like this one:
Just what happens when
ivory lace fuses to shoulder blades like second degree burns?

It’s one of those lines in this world that I read and afterwards forever wish I had thought of first.

In my opinion you could have done without this repetition though:
both as delicate and volatile as
amethyst.

both as fragile and destructive as ruby.
That imagery is way to powerful and eye-catching to be used twice. Only my opinion

Marvellous poetry as always, darling.

Ginger Nuts:

Thank you again everyone. I really didn't expect to get such a good response.

You deserve as many pages as you can get because your poem was unbelievably awesome. Not gonna lie.