killing someone with kindness is so 2005 - part I and II

My love is like a disease, creeping it’s way through your mind, body, and soul.
Poisoning your system so you can’t think about anything but of me.
One kiss and you’re marked with the sour taste of my malevolent toxin.
One bite and my teeth go deep and your essence will be mine and only mine.

The pollutant makes your thoughts eccentric and totally out of date.
You think you might be insane, or maybe you’re so sane you can’t accept it.
Think hard, you’ll remember the penetration of my teeth against your skin.
If I take my love for you and alphabetize it, there would be nothing there.

You want me to take the pain in your body and put into someone else.
But the pain was not meant for just anyone, but merely for your mind.
May your thoughts be full of dread with the haunt of your own memory.
Don’t think this poem is for you, because I bring pain to everyone around.

Your love is like a cheap injection that barely gets my mind working rapidly.
My love is like an luxurious inoculation that won’t let your brain to stop working.
Blend them together and you’ll only know it’s for the very most horrible.
You can’t take it, you long for me like the remedy I am, but I won’t have it.

I slip your drink a sleeping pill and the night is full of masses of blood and sweat.
Am I a vampire or just a creation of your imagination? (or lack of imagination?)
I’m simply just an hallucination that is no more before the night is completely over.
Let your remembrance have nothing to do with me or what I have completed.

My mission to turn the world into what I am, a monster. I am a horrible monster.
I draw blood for my pleasure and I watch you undergo Death’s grip as he chokes you.
I fake a smile as I leave you lying on the floor’ “I shall miss you,” I silently sin.
All I cause is pain and nothing more and nothing less. I let you expire in my arms.

May your memory be held sturdy for I am not truly sorry that you have died.
I only pretended to think I loved you, but I was only fooling myself sincerely.
Can I only lie to myself? Can I not make myself think the truth is the truth?
Hide from me and don’t you come and look. I don’t love you, never did.

Run up the stairs of life and you’ll soon began to near the end of the flight of steps.
My pain is no misery, but a tall tale that no one will ever believe could have happened.
Sink your teeth into that and savor the coppery taste of blood and a mix of revenge.
So forget me and all the shit I have brought. You have to get away from me soon.

I haven’t done anything good, just brought a massive amount of suffering and sorrow.
I can’t say I’m sorry, because truly I’m not all that forgiving to Him, or anyone.
He can try to smite me down, but I’ll just keep on moving. I won’t give in to His power.
I’ll go into the past and make it so I don’t exist; you won’t remember me at all.

I go back in time to before I was this. I change my mind, I say no to the lord.
As I die a world of red explodes around me. Bright, red stars grow around my head.
Goodbye cruel world it’s been a hell of a rollercoaster of a life, no need remembering.
Forget me. I was never here. Forget me. I’m just a piece of your memory, nothing.


Killing Someone With Kindness Is So 2005 Part II

You’d think I was Ms. Ideal, but I’m really just misunderstood.
I can’t help I desire what I do. Can I take my transformation back?
I don’t want to make other’s suffer, but I have to if I want to survive.
I need to end this life. Just take the ax and lacerate, strike, hack.

I want to endure what I have made the thousands of others go through.
I know the sorrow of having to abscond from family, I had to leave mine.
I had no hint that you suffered more than physical pain inside your heart.
I didn’t intend to create anymore of me, my horror, my class, my kind.

If I was given the chance, I would take it all back. My alteration mostly.
I can’t. I can’t even if I could go in the past and change it all around.
It’s all so confusing, but I’m exhausted of being who I am, a monster.
If I get killed-- if I commit suicide --I promise I won’t make a sound.

I can’t breathe my last breath. I can; I can’t bring myself to doing the deed.
So, I am left to suffer. Life as I know is complete. It’s been over for years.
I’m left still loving some, but it always ends in mourning and demise.
For I can’t decide if I want to die. I adore him, but he will have to die.

You should have posted the parts in two different threads

As for the first one: I like it a lot but most of the time it feels more like a story than an actual poem. The imagery saves it though and prevents it from being prose. I really like your wording and most of the time your choice of words, and there are some really good metaphors you’ve got there. The poem as a whole feels well thought out.

I don’t like the repetition though and in my opinion you could have avoided all of them and thereby make the poem a bit shorter at the same time, because the length combined with the structure makes it more prose like than poem like. There are also some words and some phrasings that don’t quite suit the register and/or feels off. Also there are some “whiney” (“emo” if that makes more sense) parts that I thought dragged your poem down a few notches.

Ex of “bad” rows/sentences :
Think hard, you’ll remember the penetration of my teeth against your skin.

Am I a vampire or just a creation of your imagination? (or lack of imagination?)

My mission to turn the world into what I am, a monster. I am a horrible monster.

So forget me and all the shit I have brought. You have to get away from me soon.

I haven’t done anything good, just brought a massive amount of suffering and sorrow.

Ex or parts I like:
One kiss and you’re marked with the sour taste of my malevolent toxin.

The pollutant makes your thoughts eccentric and totally out of date.

I only pretended to think I loved you, but I was only fooling myself sincerely.
Can I only lie to myself

My pain is no misery, but a tall tale that no one will ever believe could have happened.
Sink your teeth into that and savor the coppery taste of blood and a mix of revenge.

About the second part: It’s too repetitive and feels too much like prose. The structure combined with the choice of words, phrasing and the topic makes it kind of cliché. Just a better structure would have improved it a lot. Try not to be to precise and tell a story with your poem. Be a little more obscure and let metaphors get you point across.

Whatever you decide to do with these tips, because that’s all they are, I wish you good luck and hope that you keep on writing!

The pollutant makes your thoughts eccentric and totally out of date.
You think you might be insane, or maybe you’re so sane you can’t accept it.
Think hard, you’ll remember the penetration of my teeth against your skin.
If I take my love for you and alphabetize it, there would be nothing there.


I applaude you.
It was absolutely amazing. And I mean, OMGLYKAMAZING. XDD
Impeccable illustrations of your meaning to the poem and almost perfect vocabulary.
I am in love.
YAY.