Hmmm..

Arf. Worst one yet. K, no title. I really don't understand why I've wrote this, when I'm so happy with Ben. Arf. Enjoy, or whatever



Such a pity your eyes can't meet with mine anymore
Are you still standing in the pouring rain?
Still counting those breathless sighs that you fell in love with
Make up your adolescent mind

How can I forget your screams of help?
When you were trapped in that bubble you so hated
Can you afford that extra mistake you didn't mean?
Boy, I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire

Am I driving you and your innocent thoughts insane?
Hypnotize me once more with your youthful eyes
Are the laughs more than you can take?
Don't mistake me for your other whores

I'm glad you can find another slut all to yourself
Can you shut the door when you leave, please?
Your heart close to mine, our skins almost melting together
It seemed like nothing could ever tear us apart

Breath your last goodbyes and kiss my on my blushed cheek
Are you ready to face that big, old world?
Can you come face to face with what I've hidden you from?
Serious looks can't fool me anymore, sweets

Walk off into the sunset with my walking at your darling heels
'Love' was the one thing that you muttered
Commitment isn't my thing, you're not the one for me
Don't whisper those dirty lies to me, darling

Can you believe that you're alone?


Arf, ilyBen

=D
Thanks Lord-ah.

Mrz.Mattie.:

Aww,Sianz!

#1
Please follow it, thanks ^^

Thanks Nancy.

Thanks Roxy.

Thanks Be


@ you all.

You guys gonna follow rule one or I'm gonna lock it?

Your choice

Can I just ask a question please?

How come you always comment everyone elses poetry, but mine you never comment? And you're always telling people off in my threads?

Whatever, just don't comment now, because thats just...idk.

^Ben, no need to bag the moderator now.


And I liked your poem. My eyes would not leave the computer screen.
Mucho excellente, senor.

I had to delete your spam posts guys. Feel free to make new ones (that follow the rules). Sorry for the inconvenience

I liked your poem Ben. It had a very nice flow and good phrasing. I didn’t really like “you so hated” though. Personally I don’t think the “so” fits in, it just feels off. I don’t like the ending sentence either, it feels disconnected and doesn’t really tie the poem together finishing it.

There are many “story poems” out there (poems describing events and moments) and your is one of them. So it isn’t really anything new or different, especially not considering the choice of word and structure. You did a good job though and gave a cliché topic and writing stile sort of a twist with some of the metaphors and the sentences in italics.

So overall, pretty good job. Keep writing and perhaps you could keep your metaphors and phrasing but use a different kind of structure and a not so common topic next time? Because I think that would turn out brilliantly.

-is afraid of the new admin now-

Honestly, it was okay, my thoughts on your writing are clear to you I think. But I'm certain you could have done it so much better.

You have a few grammar/spelling mistakes, and the flow was off in some places.
I liked the first stanza a lot.

Quote

Am I driving you and your innocent thoughts insane?
Hypnotize me once more with your youthful eyes
Are the laughs more than you can take?
Don't mistake me for your other whores

That would be wonderful if the last line was different.

Don't worry, my poetry got a hell of a lot darker when I started dating. God knows why, it must be a poet thing.

'Walk off into the sunset with my walking at your darling heels
'Love' was the one thing that you muttered
Commitment isn't my thing, you're not the one for me
Don't whisper those dirty lies to me, darling'.

I loved that stanza, but not the repetition of 'darling'. If you wanted to change that, it'd be absolutely gorgeous.