johnny jockstrap
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 14 | December 28th, 2006 at 09:19pm These days babies are thrown aside.
Waiting in the dump, waiting to die.
Teens suicial and skinny as fuck.
Criminals loose and run amock.
These days, the world isnt so safe.
These days, food is scarce all around.
Poverty is world-wide bound.
Politics and HIV, childhood obesity.
Things grow worse by the second.
These days, Im scared to live.
Myspace conqurs the planet by storm.
What was good is now ignored.
Too many people living and
The end is coming near. |
Garrett Hanlund
This Board Is My Home
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 30801
  | December 29th, 2006 at 12:29am It's interesting. It holds a lot of truth. I think you could add on to it, though. |
Misanthropist
Post Whore
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 23279 | December 29th, 2006 at 02:47pm Some of the rhyming didn't match up really, I find a good hint to writing poetry is to read it out loud to yourself [especially with poems that rhyme] just to see if it all flows.
You had an interesting concept, but i think with more editing and time spent on it, it could be executed a lot better.
Teens suicial and skinny as fuck.
Criminals loose and run amock. this is one of the rhymes that didn't really flow when i read it out loud, also I think that 'as fuck' could be changed for something else. Adding swears doesn't contribute much to poetry. |
lyrical_mess
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 5278
| December 29th, 2006 at 04:11pm I liked it a lot. It has truth to it, you know its true and its a clear message to the reader. Also, I like one ryhme in particular.
"Politics and HIV, childhood obesity. |
