PaNcAkEs
Jackass
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1808
 | February 20th, 2007 at 02:08pm chorus:
i am me, i am who i want to be
so dont come around
calling me names
of who you want me to be
dont push me into the corner
dont push me away
let me fuckin be
i am me, i am who i want to be - me
1:
this is so fuckin pointless
my pet snake will crawl around your neck
are you sorry now?
i dont need your words,
empty and cold
i need you to fuckin leave
let me be(let me be)
chorus:
i am me, i am who i want to be
so dont come around
calling me names
of who you want me to be
dont push me into the corner
dont push me away
let me fuckin be
i am me, i am who i want to be - me
2:
this is so fuckin pointless
why did you say what you said?
it didnt have anything to do with me
i wished you gone
empty and cold
no more than a shallow bag of skin
let me be(let me be)
chorus:
i am me, i am who i want to be
so dont come around
calling me names
of who you want me to be
dont push me into the corner
dont push me away
let me fuckin be
i am me, i am who i want to be - me
bridge:
you stalk me, walk up behind me
you bore me, trying to score by insulting me
i dont seem to understand you
you seem to need some new type of medicine
though i could infect you, with an illness called sanity...
chorus:
i am me, i am who i want to be
so dont come around
calling me names
of who you want me to be
dont push me into the corner
dont push me away
let me fuckin be
i am me, i am who i want to be - me |
Mrs. Lee
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1428
 | February 21st, 2007 at 09:39am Okay. It's okay in some bits. I like how you have this idea.
I just don't think you can make it out to be like your own words, without sounding like it's from another song. Or without it sounding as good as you intend it to be.
bridge:
you stalk me, walk up behind me
you bore me, trying to score by insulting me
i dont seem to understand you
you seem to need some new type of medicine
though i could infect you, with an illness called sanity...
The song needs to have more of that kind of writing.
Keep trying and I'm sure everything will come together, and you will get much better. |
Deernt.
Rotting On Here
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 48258
| February 21st, 2007 at 11:37pm First: Capitalization perhaps?
Second: It had no flow and originality.
Third: Other grammar rules should become familiar to you.
Fourth: In my opinion, I don't find obscene language very "attractive" if you will, in a poem or any poetry. I can't tell if this is a song or poem. In poetry, swears kind of take the meaning away. You can use a variety of vocabulary that exemplify anger other than obescenity. |
PaNcAkEs
Jackass
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1808
| February 22nd, 2007 at 04:00am hmm, good point Tear Drop...i have better songs than this, but i tend to swear alot when i'm pissed off...programmed into my mind. i have a 1-track-mind so finding a word that has the same meaning as Fuck and typing it with the same effect could well, becomes a slight problem  but good advice, i'll take it into notice next time. Kerplunk Girl, cool! you like the bridge  my fave part, the rest doesn't really sound alot like my writing cause usually i write darker stuff but i get what you mean. thank you both  |
Deernt.
Rotting On Here
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 48258
| February 22nd, 2007 at 10:32pm Stupidity:hmm, good point Tear Drop...i have better songs than this, but i tend to swear alot when i'm pissed off...programmed into my mind. i have a 1-track-mind so finding a word that has the same meaning as Fuck and typing it with the same effect could well, becomes a slight problem but good advice, i'll take it into notice next time. You're very welcome.
With my advice, hopefully, it'll make you somewhat of a better poet/lyricist.  |
PaNcAkEs
Jackass
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1808
| February 26th, 2007 at 03:00am lol, perhaps lol. my wave of inspiration has been running slow or hasnt been running at all - . - shit happens, i'm not good at everything all the time. i have drawings to draw, guitar to play, music to listen to and in the end my poetry is the one that suffers better times will come lol |
