My first Poem

I walk along this tiresome street,
I seem to walk from place to place,
My mind eternally entangled
affords my soul no moments grace,
My path to self destruction,
Has slowly quickened pace.


My despondent life
Has come to this
Darkening skies removed from bliss
Attempts to free myself from pain
Further hounded me with failings
My very life mapped out in vain
all of this I’ll put on hold
but only for today!


I cried to myself as I walked along,
Why me?
I kicked myself as I walked along,
Why me?
Oh, I punched myself as I walked along,
Why me?

Back on my street, divided in my mind,
Pulling on my ear, nagging in the back,
My mind is in the deepest dream,
And it comes on my ride,
My street is it all,
The Street of lonely Death,
Tantalising fears, as I walk towards,
My destination, is alive and well,

I cried to myself as I walked along,
Why me?
I kicked myself as I walked along,
Why me?
Oh, I punched myself as I walked along,
Why me?

I cried to myself as I walked along,
Why me?
I kicked myself as I walked along,
Why me?
Oh, I punched myself as I walked along,
Why fucking…Me?!

Written by Me

its very good for a first poem i think...some parts reminded me of the boulevard of broken dreams but i think the poem on the whole is pretty good.

It has the same idea as Boulevard of Broken Dreams

It's very cliché.
The flow is forced.
Like I've said to a lot of others, I absolutely detest obscene language in poetry.
No matter what poem you write, you shouldn't swear in it because in my opinion, it detracts from the true exemplification of the poem itself.

Sorry.
I still thought it was ok.

One Voice.:

It's very cliché.
The flow is forced.
Like I've said to a lot of others, I absolutely detest obscene language in poetry.
No matter what poem you write, you shouldn't swear in it because in my opinion, it detracts from the true exemplification of the poem itself.

Sorry.
I still thought it was ok.

I agree, but with more specifics:

did you listen to BoBD when you wrote this? The feeling of it kind of bled into your poem. The stanzas overall were okay, but I didn't think:

I cried to myself as I walked along,
Why me?
I kicked myself as I walked along,
Why me?
Oh, I punched myself as I walked along,
Why me?

I cried to myself as I walked along,
Why me?
I kicked myself as I walked along,
Why me?
Oh, I punched myself as I walked along,
Why fucking…Me?!

worked. I think you could find a less blunt way of saying things, and a better way to create imagery around it. Or at least a better way to describe your feelings.
For a first poem, good job. Remember that poetry is best when it gets re-edited. I find that when you write a poem, you can look back on it weeks later and add fresh thought to it.

No. I was listening to Heavy Metal when I was writing this.

I’d like to give you a tip. It’s called “punctuation” . It’s very useful.
Anyway, I think you did a real good poem considering your age and the fact that it’s your first.
There are some elements that often are considered good poetry which your poem in fact contains.
Like the metaphors here (and the alliteration in the first row):
My mind eternally entangled
affords my soul no moments grace,
My path to self destruction,
Has slowly quickened pace.
And even if the rhyme words are simple the content make it work.

My despondent life
Despondent is a good synonym for hopeless/sad. It’s not as common which makes it more interesting.

Darkening skies removed from bliss
This part is also nice. Good phrasing.

Further hounded me with failings
My very life mapped out in vain
Again you choose a pretty good word (hounded). And I think that the second sentence is great. Awesome metaphor.

Other than that though I’d have to say that it’s a bit dull and cliché. It’s too simple, especially when you actually have such great lines throw in there. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not bad. It’s just pretty common and therefore not so engaging. If you try to focus on the kind of writing like the parts I picked out above I think you’d do great. Keep practising because I think I see some talent here .

Btw, perhaps you can find a few helpful things here: Poetry Tips?

One of the things that I used to do when I was younger was take an artists' song and rearrange things and add in/subtract lines to make it look different, but still retain the same overall feeling that the original song once had.

I believe that the same thing has occured in your poem here as I can see SEVERAL links to Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

And I just would like to say this:
That is NEVER real poetry. That is simply taking someone else's work and trying to make it your own. It is not real writing as you did not have these emotions/think of a person with these emotions. You take someone's idea and make it work for you which is NEVER conducive to your own writing.

I'm honestly not trying to be rude, but I truly feel that you basically stole someone's work. My suggestion to you is that you not listen to music at all when writing. Try to write a poem on your own.

One Voice.:

It's very cliché.
The flow is forced.
Like I've said to a lot of others, I absolutely detest obscene language in poetry.
No matter what poem you write, you shouldn't swear in it because in my opinion, it detracts from the true exemplification of the poem itself.

Sorry.
I still thought it was ok.

Sometimes obscenity is there to add to the point and the feeling.
Although, I do definately see how this is Boulevard of Broken Dreams, just with your own words.

Lets look at your mistakes poeple!
Lol

What's in a name?:

I’d like to give you a tip. It’s called “punctuation” . It’s very useful.
Anyway, I think you did a real good poem considering your age and the fact that it’s your first.
There are some elements that often are considered good poetry which your poem in fact contains.
Like the metaphors here (and the alliteration in the first row):
My mind eternally entangled
affords my soul no moments grace,
My path to self destruction,
Has slowly quickened pace.
And even if the rhyme words are simple the content make it work.

My despondent life
Despondent is a good synonym for hopeless/sad. It’s not as common which makes it more interesting.

Darkening skies removed from bliss
This part is also nice. Good phrasing.

Further hounded me with failings
My very life mapped out in vain
Again you choose a pretty good word (hounded). And I think that the second sentence is great. Awesome metaphor.

Other than that though I’d have to say that it’s a bit dull and cliché. It’s too simple, especially when you actually have such great lines throw in there. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not bad. It’s just pretty common and therefore not so engaging. If you try to focus on the kind of writing like the parts I picked out above I think you’d do great. Keep practising because I think I see some talent here .

Btw, perhaps you can find a few helpful things here: Poetry Tips?

My dad says I have moments of genius......

You’re dad is probably right . Now look, practically everyone who commented suggested that you’d been influenced by, or even ripped off, BOBD. I’m not defending you nor am I accusing you because either way you have some talent. Stealing or mimicking another person’s work is not right but even if you did so I personally think you have a way with words. I think I can spot some talent in that poem regardless if it’s a rip off or not.

So for next time I would advise you to be more creative and original . Because either way it’s (as good as) never a good thing to hear that your work is extremely similar to someone else’s.

Make me all sad

GreenDayrocker95:

Make me all sad

Our criticizm?

Yeeeeeeeeeees

GreenDayrocker95:

Yeeeeeeeeeees

#4