Minority_Under_Dog
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 6967
 | May 12th, 2006 at 07:56pm so I was just kinda pissed at the world and wrote something down. And its really not that good, but I just wanted to see what you guys thought of it.
Fucked up, all of everything
the biggest reject of all time
had big plans and food for thought
but that won't do
Wheres all the action
wheres all the excitment
I must have left the tv on
cause my lifes got none
how can I tell you how lifes supposed to be
all i know is I'm a brainless bull
and thats fucking fine with me
I dunno if I'm done or whatever, just wanted to post it (by the way i took i tiny part from westbound signs) |
ladyramone
Post Whore
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 21701 | May 12th, 2006 at 08:12pm its alright, i guess it needs some work. but i like it somewhat. its cool. |
Ex.Of.A.Freak.-TCD
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 87
Gender: Female
Posts: 5844
| December 4th, 2006 at 01:22pm I guess it's okay.
You need to work on the stance and the flow a bit more.
Maybe even throw some rhyming in.
how can I tell you how lifes supposed to be
all i know is I'm a brainless bull
and thats fucking fine with me
I did like the last part though.
Just work on it more, and it'll be awesome. ;]
Love,
TCD. |
Deernt.
Rotting On Here
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 48258
 | December 4th, 2006 at 07:39pm Wheres all the action
wheres all the excitment
I must have left the tv on
cause my lifes got none
I'd say this was the best stanza in my opinion, only because I don't like obscene language in poetry. For me, I think it sometimes strays away from the true meaning of what you're writing about...perhaps?
But overall, it was good.
 |
