Sodapop
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 99 | November 30th, 2006 at 07:17pm You were my best friend
until she came along,
she brought with her the end,
of everything we ever knew
I thought it would happen, just not so soon.
You treat her like a Queen,
As any good woman ought to be.
You told me in order for this to last
You had to forget everything about your past
Our friendship was the cost
I hope what was gained was worth the loss. |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
 | December 3rd, 2006 at 05:35pm I thought it was ok and I kinda liked it. It flowed rather well and the wording was quite good. It wasn’t anything special though.
You might want to use more imagery or a more complicated structure, just something to make it stand out more.
And perhaps you could adjust the length of the rows more so they aren’t so different (some long, some short).
For more concrete tips check out this thread.
Keep writing! |
Deernt.
Rotting On Here
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 48258
 | December 4th, 2006 at 07:50pm I liked it and I thought it was ok. The flow needs to be worked on a bit as well as using more description and better vocabulary.
Gooodd...  |
newagecarny
Was Here Two Weeks Ago
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 42495
| December 5th, 2006 at 08:34am Even though it's short I suggest you seperate your work into stanzas in the future. It makes it a lot easier for the reader  |
