Tyler Durden
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: Male
Posts: 1454
 | January 25th, 2007 at 06:11pm please critique. i'm the songwriter for my band so i picked this one, my favorite, that i want critiqued. i worked really hard on this and when it's put to words it's like.. 7 minutes long.
PART I
These 16 long years have gone by so fast,
Each one just the same
family and friends galore
Peer Presure's the price you pay
Athleticism and good grades too
not a normal teenage life
Mine's everyone's fantasy
i'd gladly give it away
My nights consist
of pain and dismay
i cry myself to sleep
wondering about the other lives
that other teens keep
i love, i hate,
i'm human too
but soon i don't think
i'll be that anymore
PART II
His mind's clouded by perfection
blackened by dispare
i know his heart is breaking
i know it's gunna tear
he's been the "good boy" for too long
therapy can't help him now,
He's questioning sanity
He wants to escape,
but he doesn't know how
he sees only one alternative
to send himself back to which he came
PART III
He's waiting, waiting, waiting for his time, Oh,
( 4X)
PART IV
As i'm walking down an alleyway
i see a man
he says, "I have what you need"
I buy what i need
( Music )
To make it less painful
i grab my red bull and booze
to deaden the pain of Heroine use
It's like a nightmare come true
I hear voices saying..
( In a whisper, continueusly )
"Jump off a cliff for all your worth"
THAT'S IT
I hope you see the message inside of the story, and as you can probibly tell, i was listening to Jesus of Suburbia while i was writing this. i worked hard, and as soon as i can, i'll get my site up where i'll put it on with music. CRITIQUE AND PLEASE BE HONEST. |
Tyler Durden
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: Male
Posts: 1454
| February 13th, 2007 at 11:10am come on, please people? i worked forever on this.  |
We're Outlaws, Yeah!
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 4122
 | February 13th, 2007 at 11:20am That is really good, i see a Green Day influence, and can imagine music along with the lyrics. I would rate but i have no idea how to... |
Tyler Durden
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: Male
Posts: 1454
| February 13th, 2007 at 05:13pm lol, it's ok.
i wanna know, did anyone who read this find the hidden meaning? |
Misanthropist
Post Whore
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 23279 | February 13th, 2007 at 06:36pm It was okay.
I could tell that you were listening to Jesus of Suburbia, which isn't exactly a compliment because music is great to inspire, but sometimes can make the words you write on a page less original.
Main dislike:
i grab my red bull and booze
to deaden the pain of Heroine use I thought this really made the song become unable to be ageless, if put to lyrics.
Nothing really stood out to me, and I thought that the lyrics you put could really have more depth added to them. You were trying for a story-ish thing and it didn't quite work (for me, at least) because you didn't expand on some points.
Anyway, a lot to work on but good enough concept. Keep writing, though. Everyone can improve! |
Tyler Durden
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: Male
Posts: 1454
| February 13th, 2007 at 09:47pm great advice. okay, yeah, i guess i'll try not to listen and take in TOO much what i'm using for inspiration |
