Boy Of The Black Church, chapter 2
My parents always ignore me. So I was surprised that they showed concern towards me when they found out about my playing with sharp objects... .
Before I tell you, you must understand I don't cut myself for attention. I never ever wanted anyone to know about it. But since almost a year now I've been cutting myself with blades, knives, anything that can scratch the surface basically. At first I was shocked and frightened at what I was doing. My mind wouldn't comprehend that I was harming myself so it just felt almost like a normal ritual...You know, it was no big deal.
It started the night of my sixteenth birthday party.
Can you imagine having the sweetest birthday party ever thrown for you? So amazing, my parents even organised U2 to play at my party. There was tattoo artists, world class food and chefs... I had three party planners... .all my friends and family were there...
Oh wait, I forgot, all my family were there except for my parents. They didn't actually show up. Too busy with work. That was shit. They promised that they would come. Come to think of it, they make me a lot of promises, but always cancel at the last minute. To make up for it, they don't spend extra time with me, oh no, instead they forward twenty-thousand euro or so onto my credit card so I can go shopping. Yeah, yeah I have a credit card, heck, I have five yachts, I own an entire racecourse and four prized horses.
I know it must look like I'm the luckiest girl from the outside, but inside I feel like the worst person ever.
Anyway, back to the my birthday party... I suppose I was trying to enjoy myself. But I just couldn't, I was so angry at my parents, and my friends were trying to set me up with Emmett, who is an absolute jerk. Somehow we ended up in a room alone. He moved in for the kiss, at first I hesitated, but he just got more assertive. In the end I gave in and totally kissed back, not because I liked him, it was just kind of comforting and took my mind off things for a little while. We kind of slowly laid on the bed. He unbuttoned my little black dress (my favourite one, which I always wear with killer metallic heels and fishnets...rock princess, sex kitten, meow!). I was going to give in but stopped Emmett, much to his disapproval... I didn't want to go further with him. I'd end up regretting it and it would be another issue in my mind, and I really didn't need any more worries....
When the party was over and everyone left, except for my best friend Evra, I seriously started thinking about my life... I had to tell someone how I felt and the only person who I'm really close to is Evra. She was my friend since we were infants, both our families were friends for generations or whatever...
It might sound strange, but Evra is my only friend. All the other kids my age, whom my parents expect me to befriend, are really fake and self-absorbed. Most of them get wasted and score as many guys as possible. They go to discos and clubs all the time...uhhh....that's totally not my scene. I'm forced to socialise with them at numerous occasions. I would love some down-to-earth friends but I was sent to a private school, and if you find one genuine person there you're lucky...
So anyway, I was telling Evra how I felt, totally spilling my heart. I was telling her how sick I am of how all of our ''friends'' act and how are parents just care about their riches and making more money, and our peers are all snobs and jerks and just pathetic. And I was sick of parties and the same mindless chatter. Telling her 'I had to get out of here, I don't belong!!' Evra was totally shocked. I was kind of shocked too, although Evra is my best friend, this was the first time I totally told her how I felt without holding back.
Evra stammered, 'Woah, have you always felt like this Abi?'
My throat was dry... 'I guess...' I croaked. Then stupidly, I said, 'you know, I want real friends, and even though guys always hit on us, I hate all of them, they're such jerks...I want to have a proper boyfriend...but some poxy rich kid...'
Evra looked stunned.
'Oh I see you want REAL friends, whatever, you're crazy, I'm not real enough for you am I? Fine, if that's how it is. Goodbye Abi, have a nice life. What ya gonna do next? Get a group of geeky friends and a low life boyfriend who works at McDonalds.....ha!!!! What's gotten into you???'
She packed her stuff and left.
We haven't talked since.
That night I never felt so alone in my life.
I just cried and cried. I eventually went down to the kitchen because I was so thirsty. I opened the drawer and picked up a sharp knife. All of a sudden I was waving it up and down my arm. I though about my life and what a miserable childhood I had, my parents, nobody ever gave me attention, nannies just wouldn't do. Stupid groups of friends....stupid Evra.....grrrrr....Emmet...
The next thing I know, I'm cutting and feeling the pain....but feeling in control of something....at last.
Since then I've been doing it. But today my parents arrived home from Shanghai. I was sunbathing out back, and I'm usually so careful but this time I actually forgot to hide my scars... My mother came, looking for a book or something. Suddenly she stopped and looked at my arm.
'What?' I hissed.
'You're arm, how did those get there'
'I fell'.....first thing that came into my mind...
'OH my god, did you? Jonathan!!! Jonathan, come here, NOW!!'
Uhhhh....the rest is too painful to talk about. How could I have been so careless??! Our butler never notices me so I always wear a T-shirt when it's warm, I just forgot my parents were home....dammit....
So basically my parents gave me this lecture and wanted to get me treatment....I was like 'no way, I'm fine, I told you I just fell.' They wouldn't buy it though.
'Ok' screamed my mother. 'If you wont get therapy from us, or from someone else.....then...
'Then what? I just want to get out of here'
'You'll spend the rest of the summer at Patrick's'
'Who?'
'You're uncles home in the countryside'
'WHAT??'
Before I tell you, you must understand I don't cut myself for attention. I never ever wanted anyone to know about it. But since almost a year now I've been cutting myself with blades, knives, anything that can scratch the surface basically. At first I was shocked and frightened at what I was doing. My mind wouldn't comprehend that I was harming myself so it just felt almost like a normal ritual...You know, it was no big deal.
It started the night of my sixteenth birthday party.
Can you imagine having the sweetest birthday party ever thrown for you? So amazing, my parents even organised U2 to play at my party. There was tattoo artists, world class food and chefs... I had three party planners... .all my friends and family were there...
Oh wait, I forgot, all my family were there except for my parents. They didn't actually show up. Too busy with work. That was shit. They promised that they would come. Come to think of it, they make me a lot of promises, but always cancel at the last minute. To make up for it, they don't spend extra time with me, oh no, instead they forward twenty-thousand euro or so onto my credit card so I can go shopping. Yeah, yeah I have a credit card, heck, I have five yachts, I own an entire racecourse and four prized horses.
I know it must look like I'm the luckiest girl from the outside, but inside I feel like the worst person ever.
Anyway, back to the my birthday party... I suppose I was trying to enjoy myself. But I just couldn't, I was so angry at my parents, and my friends were trying to set me up with Emmett, who is an absolute jerk. Somehow we ended up in a room alone. He moved in for the kiss, at first I hesitated, but he just got more assertive. In the end I gave in and totally kissed back, not because I liked him, it was just kind of comforting and took my mind off things for a little while. We kind of slowly laid on the bed. He unbuttoned my little black dress (my favourite one, which I always wear with killer metallic heels and fishnets...rock princess, sex kitten, meow!). I was going to give in but stopped Emmett, much to his disapproval... I didn't want to go further with him. I'd end up regretting it and it would be another issue in my mind, and I really didn't need any more worries....
When the party was over and everyone left, except for my best friend Evra, I seriously started thinking about my life... I had to tell someone how I felt and the only person who I'm really close to is Evra. She was my friend since we were infants, both our families were friends for generations or whatever...
It might sound strange, but Evra is my only friend. All the other kids my age, whom my parents expect me to befriend, are really fake and self-absorbed. Most of them get wasted and score as many guys as possible. They go to discos and clubs all the time...uhhh....that's totally not my scene. I'm forced to socialise with them at numerous occasions. I would love some down-to-earth friends but I was sent to a private school, and if you find one genuine person there you're lucky...
So anyway, I was telling Evra how I felt, totally spilling my heart. I was telling her how sick I am of how all of our ''friends'' act and how are parents just care about their riches and making more money, and our peers are all snobs and jerks and just pathetic. And I was sick of parties and the same mindless chatter. Telling her 'I had to get out of here, I don't belong!!' Evra was totally shocked. I was kind of shocked too, although Evra is my best friend, this was the first time I totally told her how I felt without holding back.
Evra stammered, 'Woah, have you always felt like this Abi?'
My throat was dry... 'I guess...' I croaked. Then stupidly, I said, 'you know, I want real friends, and even though guys always hit on us, I hate all of them, they're such jerks...I want to have a proper boyfriend...but some poxy rich kid...'
Evra looked stunned.
'Oh I see you want REAL friends, whatever, you're crazy, I'm not real enough for you am I? Fine, if that's how it is. Goodbye Abi, have a nice life. What ya gonna do next? Get a group of geeky friends and a low life boyfriend who works at McDonalds.....ha!!!! What's gotten into you???'
She packed her stuff and left.
We haven't talked since.
That night I never felt so alone in my life.
I just cried and cried. I eventually went down to the kitchen because I was so thirsty. I opened the drawer and picked up a sharp knife. All of a sudden I was waving it up and down my arm. I though about my life and what a miserable childhood I had, my parents, nobody ever gave me attention, nannies just wouldn't do. Stupid groups of friends....stupid Evra.....grrrrr....Emmet...
The next thing I know, I'm cutting and feeling the pain....but feeling in control of something....at last.
Since then I've been doing it. But today my parents arrived home from Shanghai. I was sunbathing out back, and I'm usually so careful but this time I actually forgot to hide my scars... My mother came, looking for a book or something. Suddenly she stopped and looked at my arm.
'What?' I hissed.
'You're arm, how did those get there'
'I fell'.....first thing that came into my mind...
'OH my god, did you? Jonathan!!! Jonathan, come here, NOW!!'
Uhhhh....the rest is too painful to talk about. How could I have been so careless??! Our butler never notices me so I always wear a T-shirt when it's warm, I just forgot my parents were home....dammit....
So basically my parents gave me this lecture and wanted to get me treatment....I was like 'no way, I'm fine, I told you I just fell.' They wouldn't buy it though.
'Ok' screamed my mother. 'If you wont get therapy from us, or from someone else.....then...
'Then what? I just want to get out of here'
'You'll spend the rest of the summer at Patrick's'
'Who?'
'You're uncles home in the countryside'
'WHAT??'
