Runaway Bride, chapter 11
The faces blurred past, the noise of the cars and the people was deafening. My lungs burned and I was tired, but I couldn't stop. I just had to keep walking. I had to get as far away from Tre as possible. After what he'd said to me....I didn't want to see him for a long, long time. But I had to, I mean....I loved him. I knew that I still did, as much as I wanted to convince myself otherwise. How could he love that stupid band so much? I knew that he had told me that music was his life, and...I respected that. Didn't I? I should, anyway. I should support him, whatever he wanted to do. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and sat down on a nearby bench to think. I have to go back, I thought. Running was a stupid idea. It's not going to solve anything anyway. I stood up and looked down at myself. I was still wearing Lola's shirt and skirt, and I didn't even have any shoes on. I must have looked ridiculous, and for some reason the only thought I had was the only person I wanted to look ridiculous with was Tre.
I began the long walk back, much slower this time. I looked around at everything as I passed: the people walking their dogs, the cars honking at each other, the couples strolling arm in arm. I wanted to ask these couples how they did it, how their relationships were so uncomplicated, all they knew was that they loved each other, and that was enough. Didn't they? Or was there something about them that I wasn't seeing, something deeper? I shook my head, trying to make myself stop thinking and overanalyzing everything. I watched my bare, dirty feet take a few steps, then a few more, and hoped that I wouldn't get lost on the way back to Lola and Dave's apartment. I chuckled dryly to myself. Wouldn't that just be my luck.
Amazingly, I made it back. I stood and stared at the tall, whitewashed building, my heart pounding. How was I going to go back in there, after I'd just made such a huge fool out of myself? My throat was dry, and I swallowed. I had to face him. I had to tell him "Tre, I love you, and I'll support you no matter what" and I had to mean it, and I had to smile at him and ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach that told me something bad was going to happen. I shoved the feeling aside, opened the door, and took a deep breath as I mounted the stairs to the fifth floor. Just do it, Cassandra, I told myself. He loves you, he'll understand. Won't he? I mean, he's not even in the band anymore. He just let his emotions get ahold of him, and he overreacted. So did I. It'll be okay, everything will turn out alright. It has to.
I couldn't be standing in front of Dave and Lola's door yet. I wasn't ready. I couldn't go back in there. I should just turn around right now....I knocked on the door. "Great," I muttered. I couldn't go back now, not without looking like a complete idiot. There was a pause, and I tried to calm the butterflies in my stomach as I waited. Finally the door opened slowly to reveal Lola, her mascara smudged under eyes. She looked hopeful, but like she was trying not to look TOO hopeful.
"Oh my God, Cassandra!" she cried as she threw her arms around me. "I thought you were gone, I was so worried, I thought..." Tears streamed down her face as she held me.
I smiled. "Lola, it's okay. I'm fine. I'm back...I'm fine." I tried not to be too happy, but I was thrilled to know that somebody cared, it mattered to someone whether I lived or died. I knew I had to ask her, I couldn't avoid the subject any longer. "Is Tre still here?"
She nodded, wiping her eyes. "Of course, honey. He's still in the bedroom. He..."
"He what?" I asked worriedly.
"He took the phone in there with him a while ago."
I nodded. I had no idea what that could mean, but I knew it meant that something was going to change. It could be good or bad, but it was inevitable at this point.
I walked slowly into the apartment, through the empty brown living room. Dave was nowhere to be seen, but I didn't really want to talk to him right then. He was a really nice guy and everything, but I knew that he wouldn't know how to handle what was going on, and I didn't want to have to deal with his efforts. Not to mention his extremely loud voice, which could do nothing for the headache I felt starting behind my eyes.
I stood outside the guest bedroom for a second too long. I took a few deep breaths, but all the breathing in the world wasn't going to help me now. I couldn't believe I was like this, to talk to Tre of all people. He was the man I loved, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Right?
I turned the doorknob slowly and pushed open the door. Tre was sitting on the bed, seemingly staring off into space. He didn't say anything to me as I stood there, he seemed to look right through me as he stared. I returned his silence, racking my brain for the right words to fill the space. I twisted my hands together nervously and bit my lip. Finally I sat next to him on the bed, but still neither of us said a word. There was a long pause. Finally....
"Cassandra," Tre said simply. I nodded, knowing that I was going to cry again. Don't cry, I told myself. You don't want to look weak. Whatever you do, don't cry.
"I..." He gestured at the phone, which sat on the blue bedside table. "I talked to Billie Joe." I nodded again.
"He..." I could tell he was trying to suppress a smile. "He said that they're going to let me back in the band! I'm going to be in Green Day again!"
I didn't reply, just stared at my hands resting in my lap. So what did that mean?
"I know...." Tre's voice trailed off. He creased his brow in thought, trying to think of the right words. "This is going to be hard. This is going to be different. But..." he took my hand. "I love you."
I nodded, stroking his hand with my thumb, never wanting to let him go.
"Cassandra..." He turned my face toward him. "You're going to have to talk to me."
I nodded. "I know. I just...When you said....I thought that this was more important to you."
"It is important to me. Really important. But you have to know that nothing in this world is more important to me than you. Nothing."
I couldn't stop the tears anymore, they came flooding out, and I hated myself for being so stupid. He was telling me he loved me, and what did I do? I cried like an idiot. Tre gathered me to him, and I pressed my face into his shoulder, my body heaving with sobs.
"Cassandra...Why are you crying?" Tre looked confused.
"I don't know....I guess I just...." I couldn't think of a good reason, I couldn't figure out if I was really happy or really, unbelievably sad.
"You just what?"
I shrugged and angrily wiped away tears. "I don't know."
He held me again. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
I shook my head. "Don't be sorry. It was my fault, I shouldn't have..." I couldn't think of what to tell him I shouldn't have done.
"It's okay."
There was another long silence, but this one was a million times less tense, as if the very air in the room had been relaxed. We both just breathed and sat there. I tried not to look at Tre, I didn't want to know what I would find in his eyes if I did.
Finally he spoke. "So Billie Joe said...He said that they were going to go on tour. Soon. And since I'm going to be in the band again, obviously I get to go."
I nodded. So he tells me he loves me, that I'm the most important thing in the world to him, then he tells me he's leaving. I couldn't shake the feeling that this shouldn't be happening like this, like this wasn't right.
I began the long walk back, much slower this time. I looked around at everything as I passed: the people walking their dogs, the cars honking at each other, the couples strolling arm in arm. I wanted to ask these couples how they did it, how their relationships were so uncomplicated, all they knew was that they loved each other, and that was enough. Didn't they? Or was there something about them that I wasn't seeing, something deeper? I shook my head, trying to make myself stop thinking and overanalyzing everything. I watched my bare, dirty feet take a few steps, then a few more, and hoped that I wouldn't get lost on the way back to Lola and Dave's apartment. I chuckled dryly to myself. Wouldn't that just be my luck.
Amazingly, I made it back. I stood and stared at the tall, whitewashed building, my heart pounding. How was I going to go back in there, after I'd just made such a huge fool out of myself? My throat was dry, and I swallowed. I had to face him. I had to tell him "Tre, I love you, and I'll support you no matter what" and I had to mean it, and I had to smile at him and ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach that told me something bad was going to happen. I shoved the feeling aside, opened the door, and took a deep breath as I mounted the stairs to the fifth floor. Just do it, Cassandra, I told myself. He loves you, he'll understand. Won't he? I mean, he's not even in the band anymore. He just let his emotions get ahold of him, and he overreacted. So did I. It'll be okay, everything will turn out alright. It has to.
I couldn't be standing in front of Dave and Lola's door yet. I wasn't ready. I couldn't go back in there. I should just turn around right now....I knocked on the door. "Great," I muttered. I couldn't go back now, not without looking like a complete idiot. There was a pause, and I tried to calm the butterflies in my stomach as I waited. Finally the door opened slowly to reveal Lola, her mascara smudged under eyes. She looked hopeful, but like she was trying not to look TOO hopeful.
"Oh my God, Cassandra!" she cried as she threw her arms around me. "I thought you were gone, I was so worried, I thought..." Tears streamed down her face as she held me.
I smiled. "Lola, it's okay. I'm fine. I'm back...I'm fine." I tried not to be too happy, but I was thrilled to know that somebody cared, it mattered to someone whether I lived or died. I knew I had to ask her, I couldn't avoid the subject any longer. "Is Tre still here?"
She nodded, wiping her eyes. "Of course, honey. He's still in the bedroom. He..."
"He what?" I asked worriedly.
"He took the phone in there with him a while ago."
I nodded. I had no idea what that could mean, but I knew it meant that something was going to change. It could be good or bad, but it was inevitable at this point.
I walked slowly into the apartment, through the empty brown living room. Dave was nowhere to be seen, but I didn't really want to talk to him right then. He was a really nice guy and everything, but I knew that he wouldn't know how to handle what was going on, and I didn't want to have to deal with his efforts. Not to mention his extremely loud voice, which could do nothing for the headache I felt starting behind my eyes.
I stood outside the guest bedroom for a second too long. I took a few deep breaths, but all the breathing in the world wasn't going to help me now. I couldn't believe I was like this, to talk to Tre of all people. He was the man I loved, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Right?
I turned the doorknob slowly and pushed open the door. Tre was sitting on the bed, seemingly staring off into space. He didn't say anything to me as I stood there, he seemed to look right through me as he stared. I returned his silence, racking my brain for the right words to fill the space. I twisted my hands together nervously and bit my lip. Finally I sat next to him on the bed, but still neither of us said a word. There was a long pause. Finally....
"Cassandra," Tre said simply. I nodded, knowing that I was going to cry again. Don't cry, I told myself. You don't want to look weak. Whatever you do, don't cry.
"I..." He gestured at the phone, which sat on the blue bedside table. "I talked to Billie Joe." I nodded again.
"He..." I could tell he was trying to suppress a smile. "He said that they're going to let me back in the band! I'm going to be in Green Day again!"
I didn't reply, just stared at my hands resting in my lap. So what did that mean?
"I know...." Tre's voice trailed off. He creased his brow in thought, trying to think of the right words. "This is going to be hard. This is going to be different. But..." he took my hand. "I love you."
I nodded, stroking his hand with my thumb, never wanting to let him go.
"Cassandra..." He turned my face toward him. "You're going to have to talk to me."
I nodded. "I know. I just...When you said....I thought that this was more important to you."
"It is important to me. Really important. But you have to know that nothing in this world is more important to me than you. Nothing."
I couldn't stop the tears anymore, they came flooding out, and I hated myself for being so stupid. He was telling me he loved me, and what did I do? I cried like an idiot. Tre gathered me to him, and I pressed my face into his shoulder, my body heaving with sobs.
"Cassandra...Why are you crying?" Tre looked confused.
"I don't know....I guess I just...." I couldn't think of a good reason, I couldn't figure out if I was really happy or really, unbelievably sad.
"You just what?"
I shrugged and angrily wiped away tears. "I don't know."
He held me again. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
I shook my head. "Don't be sorry. It was my fault, I shouldn't have..." I couldn't think of what to tell him I shouldn't have done.
"It's okay."
There was another long silence, but this one was a million times less tense, as if the very air in the room had been relaxed. We both just breathed and sat there. I tried not to look at Tre, I didn't want to know what I would find in his eyes if I did.
Finally he spoke. "So Billie Joe said...He said that they were going to go on tour. Soon. And since I'm going to be in the band again, obviously I get to go."
I nodded. So he tells me he loves me, that I'm the most important thing in the world to him, then he tells me he's leaving. I couldn't shake the feeling that this shouldn't be happening like this, like this wasn't right.
