Runaway Bride, chapter 14
The next two weeks passed miserably. I didn't know what exactly I had expected of coming home, but what I found was certainly not it. My days were spent either in my parent's house or Caleb's, since my mother seemed to completely ignore the fact that we couldn't stand each other, or at least that he couldn't stand me. I was basically indifferent to every person and every situation. I was living in the past, and I didn't care. My mind was always on the happiest time of my life, when I had been with Tre. Finding someone to love me had been the greatest and worst thing that had ever happened to me. And it wasn't like I wanted Tre to all of a sudden show up and confess his undying love for me again, because I didn't. Things were too different between us now, he'd changed, and the old Tre was never coming back, much as I wished he would.
I never cried though. Sometimes I wanted to, like I thought that somehow crying would let all my feelings out, but I never could. It was as if the dead, hollow feeling that I had felt when Tre had left the first time was multiplied by a million. There were no more emotions left for me to feel, I had gone through them all when I was with Tre. I had always imagined that an emotionless existence would be easier than one with negative emotions, but I had never been more wrong.
There was the time that they tried to send me to therapy. That had been worse than awful.
"So, Cassandra. I understand that you ... ran away from your husband?" The old, hook-nosed psychiatrist had asked me, checking his notes.
"Yes. Do you have a point?"
"Well, I think that there must be some other issues at work here, and I'd like to figure them out. Can you tell me about your childhood?"
"I really don't understand how that's relevant," I'd observed.
"Well," the psychiatrist had said calmly, as if he were talking to a child, "sometimes when things go wrong, they have roots back in something that happened beforehand. Tell me about your parents."
"I still don't understand," I'd said, pretending to be confused, "You said something 'went wrong.' What went wrong?"
"Well, Cassandra, most people don't just go running off from their lives with some ... musician, it was?"
"Yes, he's a musician. He's a drummer. For Green Day, I'm sure you've heard of them?"
He'd chuckled and shook his head. "No, unfortunately not. But I'm afraid that's beside the point. Can you explain to me what was going through your mind on your wedding day?"
"No."
"No?" He had tilted his head, looking confused. "Why not?"
"Because I don't want to."
He'd sighed and shuffled some papers. "All right, Cassandra. That's enough for today. Please make sure to talk to your mother about making another appointment in a few weeks."
Inwardly I'd scoffed. Yeah, like that was going to happen. I'd lied and told my mother that he had said I was fine and didn't need to go to damn therapy. I could read in her expression that she didn't believe me, but she was so quick to agree with me these days that she'd simply accepted my lie. I knew that them sending me to that asshole psychiatrist was supposed to make me angry at my parents, it was supposed to make me think that they didn't trust my decisions and thought I was crazy, but it didn't. It mostly just made me feel empty, and wish I could go back in time to when Tre and I were happy. That was all I wanted anymore.
This was what I realized as I lay in bed early one morning, staring at the ceiling. It was 6:30, usually the time I woke up, but I really couldn't stand the thought of facing another day. Maybe if I stayed in bed I wouldn't have to deal with it. But the thought I'd just had kept coming back to me. All I wanted was Tre. I couldn't have Tre. So what was there to live for anymore? I answered my own question, but I didn't like my answer. Nothing. There was nothing to live for anymore. My parents thought I was insane, I knew. They loved me, but they didn't understand me. Caleb didn't give a shit. He hated me, for "destroying his life," as he'd said. Tre certainly didn't care anymore. I'd watched him on TV a few times, and he really seemed to be enjoying the rock star life. I just wished that I was there enjoying it with him. But I wasn't. He had moved on with his life, and I should too.
My life was just going in a different direction, I thought as I got up quickly and silently and got dressed. I wore Lola's clothes, which I had stashed in a drawer the day after I'd arrived here, so no one could take them from me. I thought it very fitting that I did this wearing the clothes of the last known person that had cared about me. As I crept down the stairs into Caleb's living room, I dimly thought about going back to Berkeley, to Lola. But I knew that this couldn't happen. There were too many memories of Tre to deal with there, things I would never be able to handle. I quietly picked up a phone and dialed a taxi. They said that they would arrive within fifteen minutes.
I sighed and looked around the room, wondering how my life had gotten so bad. I couldn't stop myself from wondering. If I hadn't run away with Tre, would my life had been happy? I hoped that I would have lived an unsatisfied life with Caleb, always wishing for something better. But then, Tre had been what destroyed my life in the end. So was the ruin of my life inevitable, nothing at all could have stopped it? I mentally rewound time, thinking about every opportunity I'd had to change the outcome of my life. If I'd gone on tour with Tre, would I have changed the same way he had, making us compatible again? Somehow I doubted it. If we'd never had that fight about him going back to his band, the one where I was convinced he'd told me I'd been a mistake, would things have been different? I really didn't have any more answers.
My thoughts were broken into by the sound of the cab pulling up outside. I walked out the front door and shut it quietly behind me without a look back. I opened the door and told the driver where to go.
"Thompson Bridge, please."
He nodded and drove off. It was only a short drive from Caleb's house, and we arrived within ten minutes. I handed the driver the money, some that I'd stolen from Caleb right after I'd arrived, for emergencies like this one. I climbed out and waited until the car had disappeared until I headed for the river. It was about ten yards from the road, and I could see it already. I walked until I had reached the bridge, which I stood directly in the middle of, staring down at the rushing water. I took a deep breath and for some reason tried not to think about why I was doing this. My brain seemed to chant his name incessantly, however, making it so I had to think about him. Tre. Tre. Tre.
I stared down at the water and breathed deeply. It's okay, Cassandra, I told myself, everything will be fine now. Everything's going to be okay now. But before I could do anything else, I saw a small figure running toward me from the road. It couldn't be, could it? No. I shook my head and looked back down at the river. Now, I told myself. Do it now.
"Cassandra, wait! Cassandra, NO!" Tre shouted as he got closer.
"Tre?" I said, my voice emotionless.
"Cassandra." Tre was out of breath as he reached me. "Don't... " he gasped in between breaths. "Don't do this. Why are you doing this?"
"I thought this was the way you wanted it." I had to shout to be heard over the river.
"What... .what are you talking about?" He looked at me in confusion.
"Don't pretend like you don't know. It's YOUR fault I'm doing this, Tre. It's all your fault!"
"I'm sorry, Cassandra. I'm sorry."
"Sorry isn't going to help anything now! The damage is done, Tre. Get over it." I glanced at the river.
"No, Cassandra, wait. I love you."
"You WHAT?! You LOVE ME?! Why didn't you tell me that before? Why didn't you tell me that when it mattered?! You're lying, I know you're lying! Why would you lie to me? You wouldn't lie if you loved me!"
"No, Cassandra, don't. Don't do this. Just come back with me, we'll work everything out. Just step back from there."
"No!" I flung out my hands and shook my head wildly. "Don't talk to me. I'm doing this, whether you like it or not. I'm dying, right now. And I hope you feel awful for the rest of your miserable life!" I stared down at the river, blue and white and loud. I knew that a fall from here into there would be enough to kill me. And it would. Right now.
I looked up, once more, to look at Tre. He was gone. "Tre?" I whispered. "Tre! Ha!" I cackled hysterically. "See? See? Didn't I tell you? Didn't I? I knew that you didn't care about me! I knew that you never cared about me! You didn't even come to visit me when I'm about to die! I know that you never loved me, I could see it in your eyes! And now look what you've done! This is all your fault, Tre! All your fault! I loved you, Tre, and you ruined me! You ruined my life, Tre, this is all your fault!"
That was the last thing I said before I jumped.
I never cried though. Sometimes I wanted to, like I thought that somehow crying would let all my feelings out, but I never could. It was as if the dead, hollow feeling that I had felt when Tre had left the first time was multiplied by a million. There were no more emotions left for me to feel, I had gone through them all when I was with Tre. I had always imagined that an emotionless existence would be easier than one with negative emotions, but I had never been more wrong.
There was the time that they tried to send me to therapy. That had been worse than awful.
"So, Cassandra. I understand that you ... ran away from your husband?" The old, hook-nosed psychiatrist had asked me, checking his notes.
"Yes. Do you have a point?"
"Well, I think that there must be some other issues at work here, and I'd like to figure them out. Can you tell me about your childhood?"
"I really don't understand how that's relevant," I'd observed.
"Well," the psychiatrist had said calmly, as if he were talking to a child, "sometimes when things go wrong, they have roots back in something that happened beforehand. Tell me about your parents."
"I still don't understand," I'd said, pretending to be confused, "You said something 'went wrong.' What went wrong?"
"Well, Cassandra, most people don't just go running off from their lives with some ... musician, it was?"
"Yes, he's a musician. He's a drummer. For Green Day, I'm sure you've heard of them?"
He'd chuckled and shook his head. "No, unfortunately not. But I'm afraid that's beside the point. Can you explain to me what was going through your mind on your wedding day?"
"No."
"No?" He had tilted his head, looking confused. "Why not?"
"Because I don't want to."
He'd sighed and shuffled some papers. "All right, Cassandra. That's enough for today. Please make sure to talk to your mother about making another appointment in a few weeks."
Inwardly I'd scoffed. Yeah, like that was going to happen. I'd lied and told my mother that he had said I was fine and didn't need to go to damn therapy. I could read in her expression that she didn't believe me, but she was so quick to agree with me these days that she'd simply accepted my lie. I knew that them sending me to that asshole psychiatrist was supposed to make me angry at my parents, it was supposed to make me think that they didn't trust my decisions and thought I was crazy, but it didn't. It mostly just made me feel empty, and wish I could go back in time to when Tre and I were happy. That was all I wanted anymore.
This was what I realized as I lay in bed early one morning, staring at the ceiling. It was 6:30, usually the time I woke up, but I really couldn't stand the thought of facing another day. Maybe if I stayed in bed I wouldn't have to deal with it. But the thought I'd just had kept coming back to me. All I wanted was Tre. I couldn't have Tre. So what was there to live for anymore? I answered my own question, but I didn't like my answer. Nothing. There was nothing to live for anymore. My parents thought I was insane, I knew. They loved me, but they didn't understand me. Caleb didn't give a shit. He hated me, for "destroying his life," as he'd said. Tre certainly didn't care anymore. I'd watched him on TV a few times, and he really seemed to be enjoying the rock star life. I just wished that I was there enjoying it with him. But I wasn't. He had moved on with his life, and I should too.
My life was just going in a different direction, I thought as I got up quickly and silently and got dressed. I wore Lola's clothes, which I had stashed in a drawer the day after I'd arrived here, so no one could take them from me. I thought it very fitting that I did this wearing the clothes of the last known person that had cared about me. As I crept down the stairs into Caleb's living room, I dimly thought about going back to Berkeley, to Lola. But I knew that this couldn't happen. There were too many memories of Tre to deal with there, things I would never be able to handle. I quietly picked up a phone and dialed a taxi. They said that they would arrive within fifteen minutes.
I sighed and looked around the room, wondering how my life had gotten so bad. I couldn't stop myself from wondering. If I hadn't run away with Tre, would my life had been happy? I hoped that I would have lived an unsatisfied life with Caleb, always wishing for something better. But then, Tre had been what destroyed my life in the end. So was the ruin of my life inevitable, nothing at all could have stopped it? I mentally rewound time, thinking about every opportunity I'd had to change the outcome of my life. If I'd gone on tour with Tre, would I have changed the same way he had, making us compatible again? Somehow I doubted it. If we'd never had that fight about him going back to his band, the one where I was convinced he'd told me I'd been a mistake, would things have been different? I really didn't have any more answers.
My thoughts were broken into by the sound of the cab pulling up outside. I walked out the front door and shut it quietly behind me without a look back. I opened the door and told the driver where to go.
"Thompson Bridge, please."
He nodded and drove off. It was only a short drive from Caleb's house, and we arrived within ten minutes. I handed the driver the money, some that I'd stolen from Caleb right after I'd arrived, for emergencies like this one. I climbed out and waited until the car had disappeared until I headed for the river. It was about ten yards from the road, and I could see it already. I walked until I had reached the bridge, which I stood directly in the middle of, staring down at the rushing water. I took a deep breath and for some reason tried not to think about why I was doing this. My brain seemed to chant his name incessantly, however, making it so I had to think about him. Tre. Tre. Tre.
I stared down at the water and breathed deeply. It's okay, Cassandra, I told myself, everything will be fine now. Everything's going to be okay now. But before I could do anything else, I saw a small figure running toward me from the road. It couldn't be, could it? No. I shook my head and looked back down at the river. Now, I told myself. Do it now.
"Cassandra, wait! Cassandra, NO!" Tre shouted as he got closer.
"Tre?" I said, my voice emotionless.
"Cassandra." Tre was out of breath as he reached me. "Don't... " he gasped in between breaths. "Don't do this. Why are you doing this?"
"I thought this was the way you wanted it." I had to shout to be heard over the river.
"What... .what are you talking about?" He looked at me in confusion.
"Don't pretend like you don't know. It's YOUR fault I'm doing this, Tre. It's all your fault!"
"I'm sorry, Cassandra. I'm sorry."
"Sorry isn't going to help anything now! The damage is done, Tre. Get over it." I glanced at the river.
"No, Cassandra, wait. I love you."
"You WHAT?! You LOVE ME?! Why didn't you tell me that before? Why didn't you tell me that when it mattered?! You're lying, I know you're lying! Why would you lie to me? You wouldn't lie if you loved me!"
"No, Cassandra, don't. Don't do this. Just come back with me, we'll work everything out. Just step back from there."
"No!" I flung out my hands and shook my head wildly. "Don't talk to me. I'm doing this, whether you like it or not. I'm dying, right now. And I hope you feel awful for the rest of your miserable life!" I stared down at the river, blue and white and loud. I knew that a fall from here into there would be enough to kill me. And it would. Right now.
I looked up, once more, to look at Tre. He was gone. "Tre?" I whispered. "Tre! Ha!" I cackled hysterically. "See? See? Didn't I tell you? Didn't I? I knew that you didn't care about me! I knew that you never cared about me! You didn't even come to visit me when I'm about to die! I know that you never loved me, I could see it in your eyes! And now look what you've done! This is all your fault, Tre! All your fault! I loved you, Tre, and you ruined me! You ruined my life, Tre, this is all your fault!"
That was the last thing I said before I jumped.
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