A Tale Of Two Popstars, chapter 31
Turmoil. Questions. She was literally losing her mind. Emotional doubts did that to a person. She thought she knew what she wanted. Didn’t she? She was admittedly confused. No. No she wasn’t confused. She knew what she had to do. She wasn’t wishy-washy. She wasn’t indecisive. She was just determined.
More than ever, she was determined that they were going to stick to the plan. And that meant they were going to avoid complications. At all costs. No matter what there was going to be nothing to stop this from finishing the way they had planned. It was the only way. No more regrets in life. Now all she needed was the strength. Needed the strength to not back out, strength to not succumb. Strength. And lots. She couldn’t have any more nights like last night. Close calls were not an option. No. Matter. What.
But of course life never does turn out the way you plan. It never does what you want it to do. It doesn’t listen to requests, doesn’t bat an eye at pleas for stability or change. It just runs its course and takes you along for the ride. She should have known that. If anything she should have known that. She should have counted on life throwing her for another loop. It did it once. It would do it again. And of course it had to be done once more in the form of an announcement on television. An announcement that made her start re-thinking what it was exactly she was trying so hard to keep and what she was trying so hard to push away and ignore.
Just when she thought she had it all squared away. One loop and she found herself back to where she started. Confused. Empty. Sad. Alone. Desperate. She hated feeling like this. And God. Of course she had to find out now. This way. Here. Five months ago she would have welcomed it. But it was now. It was now and suddenly it mattered. It mattered, when it shouldn’t have mattered much at all. This.
He was going.
Billie Joe was leaving her.
And he hadn’t told her.
He hadn’t had the audacity to tell her himself, he’d had so many opportunities but he hadn’t had the decency to let it slip out.
“Glad to welcome back to the TRL studios, a countdown favourite, Green Day. As you know they are a very busy bunch of guys, but they’ve been good enough to drop in while they’re in town.� Carson lifted his microphone higher up. “ Tre my man I heard you all were going to be in Japan?�
“Tomorrow. We’re really excited to be heading over to that side of the world to see the fans. It’s been a while.�
Carson nodded. “And then you guys are moving world-wide. I heard something about Australia too?�
“Yes Australia. And definitely heading to a lot of other places in the next couple of months,� Tre concluded.
Stef’s face was pale, a blank expression adorning her features when the guys returned back into the green room. It was obvious to them all she was distressed. Eye contact with Billie Joe and it was immediate knowledge why. They thought she had known. They thought wrong. She walked out. No words. She just walked out. Stalked past the fans. Stalked past the producers, the directors, the tech people, the suits, the interns, the assistants, everyone. Moved so quickly her bodyguard was jogging to keep up. Walked straight into the awaiting van.
She didn’t look at him when he sat by her. Not even the questioning looks from Mike in the seat in front of them, or the worried glances that passed between Tre, and their manager in the van hindered Stef to succumb to playing the happy couple with Billie Joe. She wasn’t in the mood for pretend, and she sure as hell was not going to be dragged into it for a brief appeasement. She’d done it for long enough. She could afford to not do it right now.
She didn’t attempt to hide how upset she was. Let them see. Let them see them fight. Let them see how truly un-perfect they were. Billie Joe and Stef. Un-perfect. Un-perfect even when he tried to fix it and rationalize it all to her while they headed back to the hotel. How he tried to explain how he had forgotten. How the schedule had been moved around. He’d mixed up dates. It slipped his mind.
So un-perfect when it was apparent she didn’t care. That she didn’t want to hear it. She wasn’t listening to the excuses. Not even when he took her face in his hands and made her look at him. Made her look into his eyes, when he whispered laments. Brushed her cheek with his fingers telling her not to be mad. Pleading with her to understand.
Un-perfect still when she didn’t listen so he grew frustrated with her silence. When he told her that she was being stubborn. When he told her she always ignored things. How she didn’t know what she wanted. He didn’t care that there were other people around to hear him ask her why it suddenly mattered now. She knew it was going to be like this. She knew. What made things so different?
After a while her eyes dropped. After a while she shook his hands from her. After a while she stopped. She simply stopped and yielded to the inevitable outcome.
“I understand. Just forget it okay?�
And that was that. No more. She was done with entertaining the matter. Her head turned away and she gazed out the window to watch the passing scenery. She didn’t speak anymore. Discussion was closed. It was a lost cause. It was a waste of breath and time. In the end none of his explanations were going to appease her mind. He couldn’t say anything that would stop her from feeling like this. In the end, it wasn’t the fact that he was leaving. It wasn’t the fact that he hadn’t told her. She wasn’t upset because of those things. No, it was the realization that had her like this.
It was the realization that had her on the verge of tears. It was something she had discovered in the green room, there in the MTV studios, watching a television monitor. The awareness that although she had come to New York with him, she was leaving without him. How the notion alone made her feel ill. How she couldn’t bare the thought of not being with him. And that right then and there she recognized that no matter what she did, no matter how she tried to prevent it from happening, it had. It was too late. It was a part of her. He was a part of her. So that’s why she sat there and shut out the one person who could make it all right. She kept her distance, to keep her peace. It was endurable. Because inwardly she was cursing the fact that she hadn’t been strong. Damn it all. Damn her heart for not cooperating with her mind. Damn complications.
Damn.
Damn.
The battle in her mind didn’t cease behind closed doors in that hotel room. It raged on. There was no solitude and avoidance from it. You couldn’t keep distance from somebody who was just as tired, if not more so. And so Stef chose to plant herself in a chair and feign engrossment in a book instead of acknowledging Billie Joe’s weary sighs and his frustrated glances in her direction. But she wasn’t ignoring him. No, she was very much aware, very much as frustrated and weary.
And even though she acted like she had closed him off, every so often her eyes would stray from the pages to watch him rub his neck because he was so tense, watch him pretend to rifle through his things instead of sitting down with his head in his hands. And when he finally gave in to his fatigue and laid down after a while to try to get some rest, she put that book she hadn’t been reading down. That’s when Stef rose from her seat and slid in bed next to him because in the end she couldn’t shut him out.
There, lying on her side, her hands tucked underneath her head, in that quiet hotel room Stef watched Billie Joe sleep. She wondered if this was all in vain. She wondered how long she could take this all. She wondered if maybe just maybe they needed complications. She wondered if he was thinking about them as much as she was thinking about them. She wondered what he was dreaming of because he looked so peaceful in his sleep. And she wondered if maybe they could keep it that way. Then her wondering ceased to be with two green eyes and she understood why he had looked so peaceful moments before. Billie Joe hadn’t been sleeping at all.
Now he was watching her, just like she was watching him. His eyes wide open staring back at her with that look. A look she had seen before, one that haunted her now just as it did in that picture. One of her hands slid from beneath her head to trace the space between them, her fingers splaying against the smooth sheets. She didn’t know what to say. But he did.
He stopped her roving, intertwining their hands and bringing it up to that space of pillow that separated them. He whispered it as he caressed her fingers with his thumb.
“I need you.�
The words had barely settled in when she found her way towards him in that big bed, surprising herself and surprising him with the action. She encased herself in his arms, her head resting in the crook of his neck. She clung to him, finding that when he held her close, so close she didn’t feel quite so alone anymore. She didn’t feel so confused. And then minutes later, in the silence of that hotel room, in between the sounds of their breathing he heard her say it ever so softly.
“I need you too.�
That night she didn’t profess anything more. He didn’t either. That night there were no promises made. No promises made that had to be kept. Things were left unspoken that night. Maybe they should have, because in the end there was a tomorrow, one that came with doubt and uneasiness.
Stef didn’t go to the airport to say goodbye. She didn’t even really say goodbye. She just watched him pack from her position in the bed, turning her face at the last moment when he leaned down to kiss her so his lips brushed her cheek instead.
“You’re going to miss your flight,� she said softly when his eyes questioned her silently.
“I guess this is it then?�
Stef didn’t speak, just offered him a weary smile in response.
Billie Joe cupped the side of her face, his thumb stroking her cheek. “I’ll ring you,� he promised.
The little expression she had in her eyes faded at the mention. Stef turned her head away from his touch and nodded. For a moment Billie Joe hesitated but then he stood up. He stood up giving her the same weary smile she had given him, and then he walked away from her. He stopped though, briefly turning back when he reached the door. But she didn’t call out to him to wait, didn’t tell him that the instant he left her side she had already started to miss him. Nope. There was no assurance that somehow it would be okay. Stef didn’t try to reach out to him. Instead, she just shut her eyes, not opening them until she heard the click. And that’s when she broke down.
It should have been okay. Should have. Waking up that morning she had understood. But it didn’t stop her from crying. The tears burst forth, as she crumpled herself into those sheets, buried her head into the pillow that still carried his scent. She cried. She cried for what she’d been through in the last couple of months. She cried for the memory of the way for a second she felt comfort. And most of all she cried because she was strong after all. Strong enough to know that complex was still complex and that maybe distance and time would help them try to get back to simple.
The way it was. Safe. Her last relationship was a testament to what romance evolved into in this popstar life. Long distances, tight schedules, all unbearable. This was simply a wake-up call. She couldn’t take unbearable before, and she refused even the notion that she would have to go through that again. Not now, not when this was almost over. Almost. They were going to be over soon. And for some reason that made her cry even harder.
After leaving New York, she had gone back to LA to their empty house. And one week later, right before the kick-off for her tour she had packed her things. She left nothing of hers behind. It was like she’d never set foot in that house, there wasn’t a trace, well except for one thing. There was one thing that was left behind. Something that wasn’t so much hers as it was theirs. She left that picture, that picture of them, still in the frame that Kara had bought. She left it where it rested, right where they had placed it before they had left for New York, there in Billie Joe’s bedroom. She had wanted to take it with her, and that’s why it stayed. She left it because seeing it would make her think about him.
More than ever, she was determined that they were going to stick to the plan. And that meant they were going to avoid complications. At all costs. No matter what there was going to be nothing to stop this from finishing the way they had planned. It was the only way. No more regrets in life. Now all she needed was the strength. Needed the strength to not back out, strength to not succumb. Strength. And lots. She couldn’t have any more nights like last night. Close calls were not an option. No. Matter. What.
But of course life never does turn out the way you plan. It never does what you want it to do. It doesn’t listen to requests, doesn’t bat an eye at pleas for stability or change. It just runs its course and takes you along for the ride. She should have known that. If anything she should have known that. She should have counted on life throwing her for another loop. It did it once. It would do it again. And of course it had to be done once more in the form of an announcement on television. An announcement that made her start re-thinking what it was exactly she was trying so hard to keep and what she was trying so hard to push away and ignore.
Just when she thought she had it all squared away. One loop and she found herself back to where she started. Confused. Empty. Sad. Alone. Desperate. She hated feeling like this. And God. Of course she had to find out now. This way. Here. Five months ago she would have welcomed it. But it was now. It was now and suddenly it mattered. It mattered, when it shouldn’t have mattered much at all. This.
He was going.
Billie Joe was leaving her.
And he hadn’t told her.
He hadn’t had the audacity to tell her himself, he’d had so many opportunities but he hadn’t had the decency to let it slip out.
“Glad to welcome back to the TRL studios, a countdown favourite, Green Day. As you know they are a very busy bunch of guys, but they’ve been good enough to drop in while they’re in town.� Carson lifted his microphone higher up. “ Tre my man I heard you all were going to be in Japan?�
“Tomorrow. We’re really excited to be heading over to that side of the world to see the fans. It’s been a while.�
Carson nodded. “And then you guys are moving world-wide. I heard something about Australia too?�
“Yes Australia. And definitely heading to a lot of other places in the next couple of months,� Tre concluded.
Stef’s face was pale, a blank expression adorning her features when the guys returned back into the green room. It was obvious to them all she was distressed. Eye contact with Billie Joe and it was immediate knowledge why. They thought she had known. They thought wrong. She walked out. No words. She just walked out. Stalked past the fans. Stalked past the producers, the directors, the tech people, the suits, the interns, the assistants, everyone. Moved so quickly her bodyguard was jogging to keep up. Walked straight into the awaiting van.
She didn’t look at him when he sat by her. Not even the questioning looks from Mike in the seat in front of them, or the worried glances that passed between Tre, and their manager in the van hindered Stef to succumb to playing the happy couple with Billie Joe. She wasn’t in the mood for pretend, and she sure as hell was not going to be dragged into it for a brief appeasement. She’d done it for long enough. She could afford to not do it right now.
She didn’t attempt to hide how upset she was. Let them see. Let them see them fight. Let them see how truly un-perfect they were. Billie Joe and Stef. Un-perfect. Un-perfect even when he tried to fix it and rationalize it all to her while they headed back to the hotel. How he tried to explain how he had forgotten. How the schedule had been moved around. He’d mixed up dates. It slipped his mind.
So un-perfect when it was apparent she didn’t care. That she didn’t want to hear it. She wasn’t listening to the excuses. Not even when he took her face in his hands and made her look at him. Made her look into his eyes, when he whispered laments. Brushed her cheek with his fingers telling her not to be mad. Pleading with her to understand.
Un-perfect still when she didn’t listen so he grew frustrated with her silence. When he told her that she was being stubborn. When he told her she always ignored things. How she didn’t know what she wanted. He didn’t care that there were other people around to hear him ask her why it suddenly mattered now. She knew it was going to be like this. She knew. What made things so different?
After a while her eyes dropped. After a while she shook his hands from her. After a while she stopped. She simply stopped and yielded to the inevitable outcome.
“I understand. Just forget it okay?�
And that was that. No more. She was done with entertaining the matter. Her head turned away and she gazed out the window to watch the passing scenery. She didn’t speak anymore. Discussion was closed. It was a lost cause. It was a waste of breath and time. In the end none of his explanations were going to appease her mind. He couldn’t say anything that would stop her from feeling like this. In the end, it wasn’t the fact that he was leaving. It wasn’t the fact that he hadn’t told her. She wasn’t upset because of those things. No, it was the realization that had her like this.
It was the realization that had her on the verge of tears. It was something she had discovered in the green room, there in the MTV studios, watching a television monitor. The awareness that although she had come to New York with him, she was leaving without him. How the notion alone made her feel ill. How she couldn’t bare the thought of not being with him. And that right then and there she recognized that no matter what she did, no matter how she tried to prevent it from happening, it had. It was too late. It was a part of her. He was a part of her. So that’s why she sat there and shut out the one person who could make it all right. She kept her distance, to keep her peace. It was endurable. Because inwardly she was cursing the fact that she hadn’t been strong. Damn it all. Damn her heart for not cooperating with her mind. Damn complications.
Damn.
Damn.
The battle in her mind didn’t cease behind closed doors in that hotel room. It raged on. There was no solitude and avoidance from it. You couldn’t keep distance from somebody who was just as tired, if not more so. And so Stef chose to plant herself in a chair and feign engrossment in a book instead of acknowledging Billie Joe’s weary sighs and his frustrated glances in her direction. But she wasn’t ignoring him. No, she was very much aware, very much as frustrated and weary.
And even though she acted like she had closed him off, every so often her eyes would stray from the pages to watch him rub his neck because he was so tense, watch him pretend to rifle through his things instead of sitting down with his head in his hands. And when he finally gave in to his fatigue and laid down after a while to try to get some rest, she put that book she hadn’t been reading down. That’s when Stef rose from her seat and slid in bed next to him because in the end she couldn’t shut him out.
There, lying on her side, her hands tucked underneath her head, in that quiet hotel room Stef watched Billie Joe sleep. She wondered if this was all in vain. She wondered how long she could take this all. She wondered if maybe just maybe they needed complications. She wondered if he was thinking about them as much as she was thinking about them. She wondered what he was dreaming of because he looked so peaceful in his sleep. And she wondered if maybe they could keep it that way. Then her wondering ceased to be with two green eyes and she understood why he had looked so peaceful moments before. Billie Joe hadn’t been sleeping at all.
Now he was watching her, just like she was watching him. His eyes wide open staring back at her with that look. A look she had seen before, one that haunted her now just as it did in that picture. One of her hands slid from beneath her head to trace the space between them, her fingers splaying against the smooth sheets. She didn’t know what to say. But he did.
He stopped her roving, intertwining their hands and bringing it up to that space of pillow that separated them. He whispered it as he caressed her fingers with his thumb.
“I need you.�
The words had barely settled in when she found her way towards him in that big bed, surprising herself and surprising him with the action. She encased herself in his arms, her head resting in the crook of his neck. She clung to him, finding that when he held her close, so close she didn’t feel quite so alone anymore. She didn’t feel so confused. And then minutes later, in the silence of that hotel room, in between the sounds of their breathing he heard her say it ever so softly.
“I need you too.�
That night she didn’t profess anything more. He didn’t either. That night there were no promises made. No promises made that had to be kept. Things were left unspoken that night. Maybe they should have, because in the end there was a tomorrow, one that came with doubt and uneasiness.
Stef didn’t go to the airport to say goodbye. She didn’t even really say goodbye. She just watched him pack from her position in the bed, turning her face at the last moment when he leaned down to kiss her so his lips brushed her cheek instead.
“You’re going to miss your flight,� she said softly when his eyes questioned her silently.
“I guess this is it then?�
Stef didn’t speak, just offered him a weary smile in response.
Billie Joe cupped the side of her face, his thumb stroking her cheek. “I’ll ring you,� he promised.
The little expression she had in her eyes faded at the mention. Stef turned her head away from his touch and nodded. For a moment Billie Joe hesitated but then he stood up. He stood up giving her the same weary smile she had given him, and then he walked away from her. He stopped though, briefly turning back when he reached the door. But she didn’t call out to him to wait, didn’t tell him that the instant he left her side she had already started to miss him. Nope. There was no assurance that somehow it would be okay. Stef didn’t try to reach out to him. Instead, she just shut her eyes, not opening them until she heard the click. And that’s when she broke down.
It should have been okay. Should have. Waking up that morning she had understood. But it didn’t stop her from crying. The tears burst forth, as she crumpled herself into those sheets, buried her head into the pillow that still carried his scent. She cried. She cried for what she’d been through in the last couple of months. She cried for the memory of the way for a second she felt comfort. And most of all she cried because she was strong after all. Strong enough to know that complex was still complex and that maybe distance and time would help them try to get back to simple.
The way it was. Safe. Her last relationship was a testament to what romance evolved into in this popstar life. Long distances, tight schedules, all unbearable. This was simply a wake-up call. She couldn’t take unbearable before, and she refused even the notion that she would have to go through that again. Not now, not when this was almost over. Almost. They were going to be over soon. And for some reason that made her cry even harder.
After leaving New York, she had gone back to LA to their empty house. And one week later, right before the kick-off for her tour she had packed her things. She left nothing of hers behind. It was like she’d never set foot in that house, there wasn’t a trace, well except for one thing. There was one thing that was left behind. Something that wasn’t so much hers as it was theirs. She left that picture, that picture of them, still in the frame that Kara had bought. She left it where it rested, right where they had placed it before they had left for New York, there in Billie Joe’s bedroom. She had wanted to take it with her, and that’s why it stayed. She left it because seeing it would make her think about him.
