What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 1
I kissed my wife on the forehead and looked into her eyes, "It was nothing, just a couple of tests, and now they've got the results. I'll be fine."
She shook her head and took my hand between hers, her long delicate pale fingers tracing down my own shorter calloused ones. "Of course it's nothing, I'm sure you'll be okay... I just worry about you, if anything happened I would miss you so God damn much."
I pulled my hand out of hers and stroked her cheek, pushing her chin up so her eyes met mine. "I love you, and I promise, I will be fine."
She smiled slightly, but her eyes remained sad and worried. I pushed forward and placed my lips on hers. After a while she pulled away from the kiss.
"You'll be late, you should go, Tre will be here any minute."
I smiled at her, "You're right. I'll see you soon." I squeezed her hand and walked out of our bedroom, down the hall and into the living room where my beautiful sons were playing some Playstation game on the television. "Jason, Jakob, I'm just going out for a while. Is there anything you want me to pick up from the shop?"
Jason shook his head while still playing, but Jakob paused the game and turned around.
"Can we have some coke Dad? Please?"
I laughed, "Of course you can. I'll see you guys when I get back."
This time Jay turned around and eyed me quietly. "Where are you going?"
"Just out, with Tre." I heard a honk from the front of the house, "and that's him." I kissed my sons on their foreheads. "I will see you guys when I get back."
"From where?" I heard Jason shout as I walked out, but I couldn't tell him, I didn't want to. He was always a worrier and when even I didn't know anything for certain, I didn't want to give him any ideas.
I opened the front door and walked out into the August sun. It was starting to cool down now, the days weren't as long or hot as they used to be, but I could still feel the sun warming the black short sleeved shirt on my back.
"Hey Tre, thanks for taking me." I said, walking up to his hummer and him standing next to it, enjoying the sun as well.
"No problem, so do you have any idea what the doctor wants?"
I sighed, "No. I went in for a couple of tests last week because I've been having pains in my chest. They must have got the results." I walked around to the passenger seat, opened the door and slid in.
Tre got into his seat, closed the door, started the engine, and pulled out into the road.
I chewed my black painted nails as I watched the world pass by, and worried. What if it was something big? What if I am actually not okay? What would I have to do? What would I have to give up? My family? My band? I rubbed my eyes distractedly.
"Hey, man, you alright?" Tre asked, taking his eyes off the road to watch me.
I started to nod my head, but it turned into a shake. I looked down at my hands in my lap and to my horror, they were shaking. "I just don't want it to be bad news. My family is perfect, AI went better than we could have even dreamt, everyone and everything is just so right at the moment. What would happen if it is something? What would I have to do if I am actually not going to be okay? When my father died it tore my world apart, how would Jason and Jakob deal with it?"
"Dude, you're going to be okay. No matter what. Whether it's good, or bad news, you will pull through. You will be there for your kids as they grow up and you will be there for Green Day's next album, and the one after that, until we're old and wrinkly."
I tried to smile, but I had used up all my energy in pretending to Adi and the kids. I turned and looked back out of the window. Ten minutes later Tre had pulled up in front of the doctors and I was sitting in the car, my head in my hands, willing myself to go inside.
Tre got out of the car and walked around to my door, opened it and pulled my head to look into his bright blue eyes. "There is probably nothing I can tell you that you don't already know or haven't already thought about. If it is nothing, then we can pretend this never happened and get back to our families and our band. But if it is something then we will fight it tooth and nail all the way. You know that Mike and I are always here to support you and will follow you to the end. You have an amazing wife who will never leave you, as well as a great couple of kids who would be proud of their Dad no matter what. Come on, punk rockers don't cry."
With that I did actually smile slightly. I leant on Tre's shoulder as I got out of the car and walked up to the main entrance. Tre closed the passenger door and locked the car before following me, but I stopped him in the doorway. "Thank you so much for bringing me and helping me, but would you please wait out here until I'm done?"
He smiled, "Sure. I will see you when I see you."
I turned, opened the door, walked into the waiting room, and up to the desk. "Billie Joe Armstrong to see Doctor Windslow at two-fifteen."
"Just a moment... " The receptionist typed something into the computer and then looked back up at me. "Yes, Doctor Windslow will be out in a few minutes, she is just seeing another patient at the moment. If you would just take a seat I'm sure she will be right out."
"Thank you." I turned and walked over to the row of seats that lined the room. I sat down and tried not to think about what could be coming up. Time seemed to be travelling extra slowly, as though it felt sorry for me and wanted to give me as much of it as possible before I had to go in and face the doctor. I watched a mother be called by a different doctor, pick up her screaming child and walk into one of the consulting rooms. A young girl sat in a world of her own, tapping her foot in time with her Discman. A thin, pale, white haired man sat at the other end of the waiting room, pretending to read a newspaper, but his eyes weren't moving. Another man sat almost opposite me, fiddling worriedly with his keys. As a door on my left opened he stood up and let the girl that ran out into his open arms.
"It's okay, I'm okay, the tests came back negative." She cried happily.
He grinned back and kissed her cheek before turning to the female doctor who had accompanied the girl out of the room. "Thank you Doctor, thank you so much."
She just smiled, "You're more than welcome. Have a nice day." She walked over to the reception desk, picked up a manila folder from the counter and spoke a few words to the receptionist before turning around. "Mr Armstrong?"
She shook her head and took my hand between hers, her long delicate pale fingers tracing down my own shorter calloused ones. "Of course it's nothing, I'm sure you'll be okay... I just worry about you, if anything happened I would miss you so God damn much."
I pulled my hand out of hers and stroked her cheek, pushing her chin up so her eyes met mine. "I love you, and I promise, I will be fine."
She smiled slightly, but her eyes remained sad and worried. I pushed forward and placed my lips on hers. After a while she pulled away from the kiss.
"You'll be late, you should go, Tre will be here any minute."
I smiled at her, "You're right. I'll see you soon." I squeezed her hand and walked out of our bedroom, down the hall and into the living room where my beautiful sons were playing some Playstation game on the television. "Jason, Jakob, I'm just going out for a while. Is there anything you want me to pick up from the shop?"
Jason shook his head while still playing, but Jakob paused the game and turned around.
"Can we have some coke Dad? Please?"
I laughed, "Of course you can. I'll see you guys when I get back."
This time Jay turned around and eyed me quietly. "Where are you going?"
"Just out, with Tre." I heard a honk from the front of the house, "and that's him." I kissed my sons on their foreheads. "I will see you guys when I get back."
"From where?" I heard Jason shout as I walked out, but I couldn't tell him, I didn't want to. He was always a worrier and when even I didn't know anything for certain, I didn't want to give him any ideas.
I opened the front door and walked out into the August sun. It was starting to cool down now, the days weren't as long or hot as they used to be, but I could still feel the sun warming the black short sleeved shirt on my back.
"Hey Tre, thanks for taking me." I said, walking up to his hummer and him standing next to it, enjoying the sun as well.
"No problem, so do you have any idea what the doctor wants?"
I sighed, "No. I went in for a couple of tests last week because I've been having pains in my chest. They must have got the results." I walked around to the passenger seat, opened the door and slid in.
Tre got into his seat, closed the door, started the engine, and pulled out into the road.
I chewed my black painted nails as I watched the world pass by, and worried. What if it was something big? What if I am actually not okay? What would I have to do? What would I have to give up? My family? My band? I rubbed my eyes distractedly.
"Hey, man, you alright?" Tre asked, taking his eyes off the road to watch me.
I started to nod my head, but it turned into a shake. I looked down at my hands in my lap and to my horror, they were shaking. "I just don't want it to be bad news. My family is perfect, AI went better than we could have even dreamt, everyone and everything is just so right at the moment. What would happen if it is something? What would I have to do if I am actually not going to be okay? When my father died it tore my world apart, how would Jason and Jakob deal with it?"
"Dude, you're going to be okay. No matter what. Whether it's good, or bad news, you will pull through. You will be there for your kids as they grow up and you will be there for Green Day's next album, and the one after that, until we're old and wrinkly."
I tried to smile, but I had used up all my energy in pretending to Adi and the kids. I turned and looked back out of the window. Ten minutes later Tre had pulled up in front of the doctors and I was sitting in the car, my head in my hands, willing myself to go inside.
Tre got out of the car and walked around to my door, opened it and pulled my head to look into his bright blue eyes. "There is probably nothing I can tell you that you don't already know or haven't already thought about. If it is nothing, then we can pretend this never happened and get back to our families and our band. But if it is something then we will fight it tooth and nail all the way. You know that Mike and I are always here to support you and will follow you to the end. You have an amazing wife who will never leave you, as well as a great couple of kids who would be proud of their Dad no matter what. Come on, punk rockers don't cry."
With that I did actually smile slightly. I leant on Tre's shoulder as I got out of the car and walked up to the main entrance. Tre closed the passenger door and locked the car before following me, but I stopped him in the doorway. "Thank you so much for bringing me and helping me, but would you please wait out here until I'm done?"
He smiled, "Sure. I will see you when I see you."
I turned, opened the door, walked into the waiting room, and up to the desk. "Billie Joe Armstrong to see Doctor Windslow at two-fifteen."
"Just a moment... " The receptionist typed something into the computer and then looked back up at me. "Yes, Doctor Windslow will be out in a few minutes, she is just seeing another patient at the moment. If you would just take a seat I'm sure she will be right out."
"Thank you." I turned and walked over to the row of seats that lined the room. I sat down and tried not to think about what could be coming up. Time seemed to be travelling extra slowly, as though it felt sorry for me and wanted to give me as much of it as possible before I had to go in and face the doctor. I watched a mother be called by a different doctor, pick up her screaming child and walk into one of the consulting rooms. A young girl sat in a world of her own, tapping her foot in time with her Discman. A thin, pale, white haired man sat at the other end of the waiting room, pretending to read a newspaper, but his eyes weren't moving. Another man sat almost opposite me, fiddling worriedly with his keys. As a door on my left opened he stood up and let the girl that ran out into his open arms.
"It's okay, I'm okay, the tests came back negative." She cried happily.
He grinned back and kissed her cheek before turning to the female doctor who had accompanied the girl out of the room. "Thank you Doctor, thank you so much."
She just smiled, "You're more than welcome. Have a nice day." She walked over to the reception desk, picked up a manila folder from the counter and spoke a few words to the receptionist before turning around. "Mr Armstrong?"
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