What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 10
I stood in front of the full length mirror in the bathroom and straightened my tie. Fortunately the hand-shaking had given up a couple of days ago and I had been able to put my eyeliner on both without Adi's assistance, and without poking myself in the eye. All together, from the surface at least, you wouldn't be able to tell anything is wrong. I stood back and admired the effect.
Years back my mother gave up on sending me bright, colourful shirts for Christmas in the hope I would stop wearing black, but it had not happened. Today I had decided on my usual black pants, black short sleeved shirt, black woollen pullover and black converse hightops, but I had added a red tie, just for a highlight. While the guy in my reflexion looked relaxed and calm as he put gel into his dyed black hair, I was feeling far from it. My heart ached at the thought of telling all the people I loved about what was going to happen, and what had already. I sighed and stuck my hand in my pocket just to make sure, once again, that my speech was still safe. While the Green Day front man persona is able to make up jibes and wild stories on the spot, I don't think this Billie Joe would cope without some sort of back up. I rested my forehead against the cool glass, I can do this, I can. I mean, how difficult can it be to tell all your friends and family, everyone you have ever worked with, everyone you have ever laughed or cried with, everyone you have ever loved, that you have cancer?
Adrienne suddenly appeared at the door, making me start.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." She said, walking closer to me and pulling my head slightly to check my eyeliner. She ran the side of her thumb under my eye to straighten the edge and stood back slightly to check again before laughing, "You've got so good at doing that, maybe I should hire you out for every punk rocker. Come to Billie Joe and learn how to put on eyeliner!"
I grinned, the first proper one for a while. "Shut up you." I shoved her playfully.
"I still remember when you had to get someone to help you."
"I never needed people to help me, just to check is all." I screwed up my face. "I'm a big boy now, I can do my own eyeliner!"
Adi laughed and kissed me on my nose. "I would be rather worried if you turned out to be a big girl. You would think I would know after being married to you for so long."
I pulled her into a hug and rested my chin on her shoulder. "Is anyone here yet?"
I felt her body sigh in my arms. "Not yet, I was just coming to get you because I think they will all start arriving pretty soon... Are you okay with all of this?"
This time, I sighed, "Really? No, I'm not. I'm scared shitless, and not just of going in for... Chemo on Wednesday. I don't want to have to look at all their faces as I tell them. It's all too fucking difficult." I started to shake again.
Adrienne stroked my back but didn't reply.
"Knock, knock, knock."
We both turned around to see Tre and Mike standing in the doorway to the bathroom, they both smiled slightly at us.
"Jakob let us in." Tre informed us. "You ready to do this dude?" He asked me.
I caught Adi's eye and sighed again. "As ready as I will ever be."
"Look, why don't you two go into the back room and chill. Tre and I will answer the door to let everyone in and clue them up." Mike ushered us back through our bedroom and into the hall. "Go on, shoo. Get yourselves a drink and make sure everything is set up and ready to go."
"Thankyou Mike." Adrienne said before taking my arm and leading me to the large sun room at the back of the house. We use this room for everything, usually there is the kid's television and playstation set up in the corner surrounded by a couple of large black sofas and then a dining table on the other side of the room near the kitchen door. But today Adi and I had moved the sofas against the wall, the table into the kitchen and the television upstairs. It left us with a reasonably large space in the middle, which would have usually been used as a dance floor, but today was for my group of friends to listen to my speech.
I sat down on one of the sofas and looked around, rubbing my hands together as I thought. Adrienne had disappeared into the kitchen but soon came back in holding two large glasses of red wine. She sat down next to me and handed me a glass.
"This is your time BJ. All your friends have come to see you because they all care. They will all stand by you as you go through this, as will I."
I leant over and squeezed her knee with my hand. "Thankyou."
***
People gradually started arriving in twos and threes, coming up to say "Hello" and "I'm here", before leaving Adrienne and I sitting next to each other on the couch. I don't know what Tre and Mike were telling them but it was obviously working. The group in the room was full of idle chatter without any of the strange looks and points that I had expected.
At eight Tre and Mike came back in to tell me everyone off my list had arrived, along with a couple extra I had forgotten. But I didn't want to launch straight into my speech leaving the rest of the night to wind down uncomfortably. So, I mingled with my guests for a while, serving drinks, passing around nibblies, shooing Jakob and Joseph back up to bed and talking about everything from music to politics to, heaven knows why, the old evolution verses creation theory...
It was amazing to see all my friends together in one place. Usually when I have get-togethers I am either too drunk to remember faces and their names, or I don't actually know most of them. But here they all were. As I moved from group to group I met Jason and his girlfriend, all of my six sibling and their husbands or wives, it would be them that my news would hurt the most, my Mom, Stacy and Kevin from Rolling Stone, Steve my favourite bodyguard, Jaquie, Oscar, Mark, Tom, Annie... I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who had turned up and they all really did seem to care. However, during the night, I started to become more and more detached from everyone else. I would find excuses to leave conversations with my friends and siblings to go and wonder around in the kitchen, or to go outside to have a smoke. Finally I decided I couldn't wait any longer. I turned the soft background music off, pulled a chair into the corner, climbed on top of it, and cleared my throat. It took about ten seconds for people to turn around and a hush to fall in the room. I looked around at the sea of faces in front of me. Unlike when I perform at concerts, I could name every single person in the room, and that made it all the more nerve wrecking. I pulled out the speech from my pocket and began...
"Now, you all are probably wondering why you're all gathered here today. All my friends, family and work colleagues, all the people who have made my life the wonderful experience it has been. But tonight, I'm afraid to say, isn't any ordinary party. I have some important news that I want to share with all of you." I smiled despite myself as I surveyed the sea of faces in front of me, all smiling back.
"Is Adi having a baby?" I heard Jason shout from the back of the room.
I laughed along with the crowd. "I don't know, Adi," I turned to her, "Are you pregnant?"
She just took my hand, squeezed it, and shook her head.
"No, I'm afraid she isn't Jason." I grinned again. "But I will pass on the news if there is any change on that front."
"Cheers dude." He called back.
I shook my head, laughing. "Anyway, where was I? Okay, well, just over twenty years ago, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. Despite its fairly early prognosis and countless batches of chemotherapy, the treatment didn't work and he eventually died after a long and painful battle. It was a gut wrenching time in my life, as it would be for any ten year old, and an experience that my family and I never want to repeat." I smiled at my Mom and my brothers and sisters who had congregated in the same corner of the room. They just stood there, listening quietly, but Mom smiled and nodded at me. I gulped. "But the world works in funny ways. Call it coincidence, call it fate, call it bad luck, call it whatever you want, but the truth is... I too have been diagnosed with lung cancer." There was a mutter in the crowd, everyone was shocked, I could see it in their faces. Then the tears began, not only in my oldest sister's eyes, and half the girls packed into the room, but mine too. I looked down to Adrienne again. I could tell from the anguish in her face that she was trying to hold back tears as well. I grasped onto her hand for support before turning back to the audience. "While cancer treatment has improved since my father's time there is still a big question mark over my head. I am going into hospital on Wednesday to start my treatment and I am going to hope for the best." I smiled slightly at Harriet and Dave from the Rolling Stone. "I have already been into Oakland Hospital to talk to the cancer specialist and that is where I will start my treatment, I do not, however, want that location published. Okay guys? I don't think the fans would react well to seeing me pale and sick in a hospital bed." I tried to joke, but the words came out chocked with emotion and it even sounded feeble to my ears. "So, with Tre and Mike's support, I have put my side of Green Day on hold, along with the rest of my life, 'til I come back to it. I guess I got you all here not only to tell you my... News, but to ask you to forgive me if I don't come and visit or reply to your party invitations. I'm not sure hospital day passes cover going out to the bar with your mates to get drunk. I know, or hope, that every one of you will help out Adi while I am away because this isn't just like me going away on tour. I'm not going to be on the other side of the world and contactable, I'm going to be ten minutes away and unable to do anything. This is going to be a rough time, and I just want to thank you guys for everything you have done for me in my life. I would never have got to this amazing position I am in now without your help." I raised my half empty glass of red wine. "To everyone in the room, thankyou, from the bottom of my heart, and may we all meet again in happier circumstances."
I drank their health but before I even let my arm fall to my side everyone started to clap, and whistle, and cheer. It was like being back on the stage after a rock concert. I couldn't help breaking out into a faint smile.
I didn't notice Tre climbing up onto one of the tables until he called for the crowd's attention. "Everyone! Everyone! Hey, guys, SHUT UP!" At that everyone did shut up, and turn to face him. "Now we all know BJ's news, I'm sure we are all even more inclined to help this man than we would have been. In one way or another, through his amazing ability to make us laugh, or cry, or pour out our hearts to him, he has helped every one of us. I know I would be more than willing to repeat that same gesture. BJ, you only have to ask, and it will be given to you. Through everything that is going to happen in these coming weeks and months, we are all on your side, no matter what the outcome. I want you to never forget that." He raised his glass to me. "To Billie Joe, our thoughts and hearts are with you."
I started to cry harder when everyone turned to me and raised their glasses. "To Billie Joe."
"Thankyou, thankyou all so much."
Years back my mother gave up on sending me bright, colourful shirts for Christmas in the hope I would stop wearing black, but it had not happened. Today I had decided on my usual black pants, black short sleeved shirt, black woollen pullover and black converse hightops, but I had added a red tie, just for a highlight. While the guy in my reflexion looked relaxed and calm as he put gel into his dyed black hair, I was feeling far from it. My heart ached at the thought of telling all the people I loved about what was going to happen, and what had already. I sighed and stuck my hand in my pocket just to make sure, once again, that my speech was still safe. While the Green Day front man persona is able to make up jibes and wild stories on the spot, I don't think this Billie Joe would cope without some sort of back up. I rested my forehead against the cool glass, I can do this, I can. I mean, how difficult can it be to tell all your friends and family, everyone you have ever worked with, everyone you have ever laughed or cried with, everyone you have ever loved, that you have cancer?
Adrienne suddenly appeared at the door, making me start.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." She said, walking closer to me and pulling my head slightly to check my eyeliner. She ran the side of her thumb under my eye to straighten the edge and stood back slightly to check again before laughing, "You've got so good at doing that, maybe I should hire you out for every punk rocker. Come to Billie Joe and learn how to put on eyeliner!"
I grinned, the first proper one for a while. "Shut up you." I shoved her playfully.
"I still remember when you had to get someone to help you."
"I never needed people to help me, just to check is all." I screwed up my face. "I'm a big boy now, I can do my own eyeliner!"
Adi laughed and kissed me on my nose. "I would be rather worried if you turned out to be a big girl. You would think I would know after being married to you for so long."
I pulled her into a hug and rested my chin on her shoulder. "Is anyone here yet?"
I felt her body sigh in my arms. "Not yet, I was just coming to get you because I think they will all start arriving pretty soon... Are you okay with all of this?"
This time, I sighed, "Really? No, I'm not. I'm scared shitless, and not just of going in for... Chemo on Wednesday. I don't want to have to look at all their faces as I tell them. It's all too fucking difficult." I started to shake again.
Adrienne stroked my back but didn't reply.
"Knock, knock, knock."
We both turned around to see Tre and Mike standing in the doorway to the bathroom, they both smiled slightly at us.
"Jakob let us in." Tre informed us. "You ready to do this dude?" He asked me.
I caught Adi's eye and sighed again. "As ready as I will ever be."
"Look, why don't you two go into the back room and chill. Tre and I will answer the door to let everyone in and clue them up." Mike ushered us back through our bedroom and into the hall. "Go on, shoo. Get yourselves a drink and make sure everything is set up and ready to go."
"Thankyou Mike." Adrienne said before taking my arm and leading me to the large sun room at the back of the house. We use this room for everything, usually there is the kid's television and playstation set up in the corner surrounded by a couple of large black sofas and then a dining table on the other side of the room near the kitchen door. But today Adi and I had moved the sofas against the wall, the table into the kitchen and the television upstairs. It left us with a reasonably large space in the middle, which would have usually been used as a dance floor, but today was for my group of friends to listen to my speech.
I sat down on one of the sofas and looked around, rubbing my hands together as I thought. Adrienne had disappeared into the kitchen but soon came back in holding two large glasses of red wine. She sat down next to me and handed me a glass.
"This is your time BJ. All your friends have come to see you because they all care. They will all stand by you as you go through this, as will I."
I leant over and squeezed her knee with my hand. "Thankyou."
***
People gradually started arriving in twos and threes, coming up to say "Hello" and "I'm here", before leaving Adrienne and I sitting next to each other on the couch. I don't know what Tre and Mike were telling them but it was obviously working. The group in the room was full of idle chatter without any of the strange looks and points that I had expected.
At eight Tre and Mike came back in to tell me everyone off my list had arrived, along with a couple extra I had forgotten. But I didn't want to launch straight into my speech leaving the rest of the night to wind down uncomfortably. So, I mingled with my guests for a while, serving drinks, passing around nibblies, shooing Jakob and Joseph back up to bed and talking about everything from music to politics to, heaven knows why, the old evolution verses creation theory...
It was amazing to see all my friends together in one place. Usually when I have get-togethers I am either too drunk to remember faces and their names, or I don't actually know most of them. But here they all were. As I moved from group to group I met Jason and his girlfriend, all of my six sibling and their husbands or wives, it would be them that my news would hurt the most, my Mom, Stacy and Kevin from Rolling Stone, Steve my favourite bodyguard, Jaquie, Oscar, Mark, Tom, Annie... I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who had turned up and they all really did seem to care. However, during the night, I started to become more and more detached from everyone else. I would find excuses to leave conversations with my friends and siblings to go and wonder around in the kitchen, or to go outside to have a smoke. Finally I decided I couldn't wait any longer. I turned the soft background music off, pulled a chair into the corner, climbed on top of it, and cleared my throat. It took about ten seconds for people to turn around and a hush to fall in the room. I looked around at the sea of faces in front of me. Unlike when I perform at concerts, I could name every single person in the room, and that made it all the more nerve wrecking. I pulled out the speech from my pocket and began...
"Now, you all are probably wondering why you're all gathered here today. All my friends, family and work colleagues, all the people who have made my life the wonderful experience it has been. But tonight, I'm afraid to say, isn't any ordinary party. I have some important news that I want to share with all of you." I smiled despite myself as I surveyed the sea of faces in front of me, all smiling back.
"Is Adi having a baby?" I heard Jason shout from the back of the room.
I laughed along with the crowd. "I don't know, Adi," I turned to her, "Are you pregnant?"
She just took my hand, squeezed it, and shook her head.
"No, I'm afraid she isn't Jason." I grinned again. "But I will pass on the news if there is any change on that front."
"Cheers dude." He called back.
I shook my head, laughing. "Anyway, where was I? Okay, well, just over twenty years ago, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. Despite its fairly early prognosis and countless batches of chemotherapy, the treatment didn't work and he eventually died after a long and painful battle. It was a gut wrenching time in my life, as it would be for any ten year old, and an experience that my family and I never want to repeat." I smiled at my Mom and my brothers and sisters who had congregated in the same corner of the room. They just stood there, listening quietly, but Mom smiled and nodded at me. I gulped. "But the world works in funny ways. Call it coincidence, call it fate, call it bad luck, call it whatever you want, but the truth is... I too have been diagnosed with lung cancer." There was a mutter in the crowd, everyone was shocked, I could see it in their faces. Then the tears began, not only in my oldest sister's eyes, and half the girls packed into the room, but mine too. I looked down to Adrienne again. I could tell from the anguish in her face that she was trying to hold back tears as well. I grasped onto her hand for support before turning back to the audience. "While cancer treatment has improved since my father's time there is still a big question mark over my head. I am going into hospital on Wednesday to start my treatment and I am going to hope for the best." I smiled slightly at Harriet and Dave from the Rolling Stone. "I have already been into Oakland Hospital to talk to the cancer specialist and that is where I will start my treatment, I do not, however, want that location published. Okay guys? I don't think the fans would react well to seeing me pale and sick in a hospital bed." I tried to joke, but the words came out chocked with emotion and it even sounded feeble to my ears. "So, with Tre and Mike's support, I have put my side of Green Day on hold, along with the rest of my life, 'til I come back to it. I guess I got you all here not only to tell you my... News, but to ask you to forgive me if I don't come and visit or reply to your party invitations. I'm not sure hospital day passes cover going out to the bar with your mates to get drunk. I know, or hope, that every one of you will help out Adi while I am away because this isn't just like me going away on tour. I'm not going to be on the other side of the world and contactable, I'm going to be ten minutes away and unable to do anything. This is going to be a rough time, and I just want to thank you guys for everything you have done for me in my life. I would never have got to this amazing position I am in now without your help." I raised my half empty glass of red wine. "To everyone in the room, thankyou, from the bottom of my heart, and may we all meet again in happier circumstances."
I drank their health but before I even let my arm fall to my side everyone started to clap, and whistle, and cheer. It was like being back on the stage after a rock concert. I couldn't help breaking out into a faint smile.
I didn't notice Tre climbing up onto one of the tables until he called for the crowd's attention. "Everyone! Everyone! Hey, guys, SHUT UP!" At that everyone did shut up, and turn to face him. "Now we all know BJ's news, I'm sure we are all even more inclined to help this man than we would have been. In one way or another, through his amazing ability to make us laugh, or cry, or pour out our hearts to him, he has helped every one of us. I know I would be more than willing to repeat that same gesture. BJ, you only have to ask, and it will be given to you. Through everything that is going to happen in these coming weeks and months, we are all on your side, no matter what the outcome. I want you to never forget that." He raised his glass to me. "To Billie Joe, our thoughts and hearts are with you."
I started to cry harder when everyone turned to me and raised their glasses. "To Billie Joe."
"Thankyou, thankyou all so much."
