What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 11
After the speech people slowly started to drift home. Everyone came up to me before they left to wish me well, or to just give me a hug and a pat on the back. The outpouring of emotion for me was incredible. You never really find out how amazing and strong all your friends are until you get to a point when you rely on them so completely that it hurts. Annie, her husband Matt, Mom, Claire, Adrienne's sister, and Harriet from Rolling Stone stayed behind to help Adi and I pack up. It was probably one of the shortest parties I had ever been to, everything was back to normal by midnight. But at the same time, it was one of the most draining parties I had ever been to.
Mom was the last to leave. She pulled me into a hug in the doorway and we just stood there together for ten minutes before she pulled away.
"Billie Joe, I am so proud of you. After everything, you have surpassed the man I wanted you to be. I'm sorry I didn't support you more when you left school for your band, I'm sorry I didn't believe in your dreams as much as I should have, I'm so sorry for everything." She wiped her eyes with a hand, but smiled. "Your father would have been proud of you tonight. More than ever."
I didn't know what to say. I just pulled her into another hug and let her leave without another word. I walked out onto the street as she pulled away in her car, and watched her tail lights until they rounded the bend, and were out of sight.
***
I pulled off my tie and threw it onto the floor, along with all my other half-worn clothes. I guess tonight ran as well as it could have, given the circumstances. I pulled my black jumper off over my head and threw it over to meet my tie. It's going to be a long time until I get out again.
I was so lost in my thoughts I barely noticed Adrienne crawl over the bed behind me and put her arms around my shoulders.
"I love you. Thankyou for tonight." She whispered in my ear.
I stroked her hair. "I couldn't have done it without you."
I felt her shrug. "But I hope you listened to what Tre said, you are a great guy, and they are all behind you for this." She laughed slightly. "I'm still not sure how I ended up with you, you are just amazing."
I turned around in her arms. "I still remember the first time I passed you in the street. Right then I said that's the lady I am going to spend the rest of my life with." I rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes. "You had your hair out and I remember it shone around you like a halo in the light, you had this pair of black pants on and a little green top that just made you look amazing. You were laughing with your friends as I passed, but you didn't give me a second look."
"But I had noticed you, I remember Reena teasing me for the rest of the day because every time they talked about 'that guy' I would blush."
"And when I finally got the guts to talk to you, your voice just captivated me. I could have just sat down and listened to you talk all day."
"I remember your eyes, and how at the church, when we got married, to stop me crying, or doing anything silly, you told me to never stop looking into your eyes... And I never did."
"That was when I had bleached my hair. God, that looked awful didn't it."
"It never looks awful, I just prefer it black." She ran a hand through my hair, sending tingles down my back.
"I love you." I whispered before leaning forward and pressing my lips against hers.
"I love you too," I felt her reply quietly.
"Sleep well, my dear Adrienne." If I could stay like this forever, I would. With the woman I love, in blissful comfort. I slid quietly into sleep, my arms wrapped around the most amazing and beautiful person in the world.
But it couldn't last.
***
I woke up suddenly. It was dark and quiet, apart from Adrienne's soft breathing beside me. But something wasn't right. I could feel it despite my state of half consciousness. My breaths were becoming shorter and shorter, I could hear them becoming more ragged and strained. My body convulsed and I started to cough, fighting to fill my lungs with air. These days I had been woken so many times because of a coughing fit, but this was different, this was worse. The room started to swing in and out of focus as the oxygen levels in my blood dropped to a dangerously low level. I couldn't breathe, my chest was frozen. My eyes were bulging and my head was throbbing, it hurt so fucking much. My body wasn't replying to anything, I tried to move, to call out, but nothing happened. This isn't supposed to happen, your body isn't supposed to shut down like this, it isn't right.
I felt Adrienne roll over next to me, snaking an arm over my stomach. "Hmm... Billie." She sighed as she started to fall back to sleep.
"Adi... " I gasped, fighting against the iron fist clamped around my lungs.
"Hmm?" She muttered into my side.
"Adiie... " I was loosing consciousness. It felt as though I had been winded, my lungs had just stopped.
Adrienne rolled over to turn on the light. "What is it BJ?" She yawned, rubbing her eyes against the light.
I couldn't reply, it just didn't work. I stared at her, still fighting to breathe.
Adrienne pulled her hand away from her eyes as she grew accustomed to the bright light. "Oh my God! Billie! What's happened?" She froze, looking at my wide eyes.
I opened my mouth to try and reply, but there was no air left, I just gaped stupidly at her, trying to make my body do something.
"Billie!" She grabbed my shoulders and started to shake me. "Stop it! Billie!"
If I had been able to pull out of it just to take away that look on her face, then I would have. But everything was becoming fuzzy at the edges and I could no longer focus on her face above mine.
She jumped up, pulled on a t-shirt, before running to the phone.
"911? Yes, I need an ambulance, immediately, my husband's stopped breathing."
But that was all I remembered before I gave up, the blackness was just too great a strength for me to fight against. The room slipped out of focus for the last time, my brain shut down from lack of oxygen and then it all went black.
Mom was the last to leave. She pulled me into a hug in the doorway and we just stood there together for ten minutes before she pulled away.
"Billie Joe, I am so proud of you. After everything, you have surpassed the man I wanted you to be. I'm sorry I didn't support you more when you left school for your band, I'm sorry I didn't believe in your dreams as much as I should have, I'm so sorry for everything." She wiped her eyes with a hand, but smiled. "Your father would have been proud of you tonight. More than ever."
I didn't know what to say. I just pulled her into another hug and let her leave without another word. I walked out onto the street as she pulled away in her car, and watched her tail lights until they rounded the bend, and were out of sight.
***
I pulled off my tie and threw it onto the floor, along with all my other half-worn clothes. I guess tonight ran as well as it could have, given the circumstances. I pulled my black jumper off over my head and threw it over to meet my tie. It's going to be a long time until I get out again.
I was so lost in my thoughts I barely noticed Adrienne crawl over the bed behind me and put her arms around my shoulders.
"I love you. Thankyou for tonight." She whispered in my ear.
I stroked her hair. "I couldn't have done it without you."
I felt her shrug. "But I hope you listened to what Tre said, you are a great guy, and they are all behind you for this." She laughed slightly. "I'm still not sure how I ended up with you, you are just amazing."
I turned around in her arms. "I still remember the first time I passed you in the street. Right then I said that's the lady I am going to spend the rest of my life with." I rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes. "You had your hair out and I remember it shone around you like a halo in the light, you had this pair of black pants on and a little green top that just made you look amazing. You were laughing with your friends as I passed, but you didn't give me a second look."
"But I had noticed you, I remember Reena teasing me for the rest of the day because every time they talked about 'that guy' I would blush."
"And when I finally got the guts to talk to you, your voice just captivated me. I could have just sat down and listened to you talk all day."
"I remember your eyes, and how at the church, when we got married, to stop me crying, or doing anything silly, you told me to never stop looking into your eyes... And I never did."
"That was when I had bleached my hair. God, that looked awful didn't it."
"It never looks awful, I just prefer it black." She ran a hand through my hair, sending tingles down my back.
"I love you." I whispered before leaning forward and pressing my lips against hers.
"I love you too," I felt her reply quietly.
"Sleep well, my dear Adrienne." If I could stay like this forever, I would. With the woman I love, in blissful comfort. I slid quietly into sleep, my arms wrapped around the most amazing and beautiful person in the world.
But it couldn't last.
***
I woke up suddenly. It was dark and quiet, apart from Adrienne's soft breathing beside me. But something wasn't right. I could feel it despite my state of half consciousness. My breaths were becoming shorter and shorter, I could hear them becoming more ragged and strained. My body convulsed and I started to cough, fighting to fill my lungs with air. These days I had been woken so many times because of a coughing fit, but this was different, this was worse. The room started to swing in and out of focus as the oxygen levels in my blood dropped to a dangerously low level. I couldn't breathe, my chest was frozen. My eyes were bulging and my head was throbbing, it hurt so fucking much. My body wasn't replying to anything, I tried to move, to call out, but nothing happened. This isn't supposed to happen, your body isn't supposed to shut down like this, it isn't right.
I felt Adrienne roll over next to me, snaking an arm over my stomach. "Hmm... Billie." She sighed as she started to fall back to sleep.
"Adi... " I gasped, fighting against the iron fist clamped around my lungs.
"Hmm?" She muttered into my side.
"Adiie... " I was loosing consciousness. It felt as though I had been winded, my lungs had just stopped.
Adrienne rolled over to turn on the light. "What is it BJ?" She yawned, rubbing her eyes against the light.
I couldn't reply, it just didn't work. I stared at her, still fighting to breathe.
Adrienne pulled her hand away from her eyes as she grew accustomed to the bright light. "Oh my God! Billie! What's happened?" She froze, looking at my wide eyes.
I opened my mouth to try and reply, but there was no air left, I just gaped stupidly at her, trying to make my body do something.
"Billie!" She grabbed my shoulders and started to shake me. "Stop it! Billie!"
If I had been able to pull out of it just to take away that look on her face, then I would have. But everything was becoming fuzzy at the edges and I could no longer focus on her face above mine.
She jumped up, pulled on a t-shirt, before running to the phone.
"911? Yes, I need an ambulance, immediately, my husband's stopped breathing."
But that was all I remembered before I gave up, the blackness was just too great a strength for me to fight against. The room slipped out of focus for the last time, my brain shut down from lack of oxygen and then it all went black.
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