What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 3
I walked out of the room in a stunned silence, cancer, I had cancer. My feet led me through the waiting room and out the main door, cancer, my father had died from it, cancer, lung cancer. Tre stood up from a bench under the tree next to his car as he saw me coming, cancer, start chemotherapy as soon as possible. I stood in front of him and looked down on my still shaking hands, cancer. Before I knew it I had collapsed into his arms, my whole body shaking as I sobbed desperately into his shoulder. It couldn't be true, I didn't want it to be true. I wanted more than anything to go back in time, to before my chest started to hurt, before I would be waken at night by coughing fits, before I ever started to fucking smoke.
Tre half carried me over to the passenger door, opened it and sat me down on the seat. Then he just stood back and waited for the tide of tears to stop. I had never felt so uncertain in my life, I had nothing left to cling onto, no one could come to rescue me now. I was all alone, there was nothing between me and dying of cancer except pumping my body full of toxins, hoping it kills the cancer before it kills me. My breath became ragged and my sides started to ache long before the tears subsided leaving me tired and empty. Emptier than I had ever been in my life apart from that thing growing in my lung. Cancer... It bought back all those nights waiting with Dad at the hospital and the final realisation, he was never going to be alright. Well, now I'm not going to be alright and my sons would have to cry over my dying body in the hospital. Tears would have spilled over again at that thought, if I had anything left inside me. But I was finished, all I wanted to do was curl up and make it all go away. However even that wouldn't help, if I curled up now, I would end up taking the... the... thing with me.
I sniffed and looked up to where Tre was leaning against the car looking at me. I bit my lip as I tried to find the words, how do you tell one of your closest mates that you have cancer? I took a deep breath and said in a rush;
"I have lung cancer."
There, it was out, I had said it. Maybe I had said it so fast he didn't understand, maybe because he wouldn't understand it wouldn't be real, but saying it out loud somehow made it all too real.
Tre looked shocked, he slid down the car until he was sitting on the ground, staring into space, "Cancer."
I put my head in my hands and wished the throbbing behind my temples would stop. "Yeah, cancer. It looks as though its still in stage one, so if I start chemotherapy soon enough then I have a good chance of pulling through."
"Stage one?"
I sighed, "Stage one is when it's still centred in the once place, before it starts contaminating your blood stream and travelling to the rest of your body, stage two."
"Oh... "
"Tre?" I could feel myself shaking again, "What the fuck do I do now?"
***
It had actually been Tre's idea to go to Mom's house and talk to her. She could still remember, clear as day, when Dad had come home with the fateful news. She would know what to do, or at least would know what to say.
It took us a long time to get to Rodeo, where Mom still lived, or at least it seemed that way to me. Time was again travelling at half the speed it should, but I didn't want its pity, I wanted to get on with my life, that is the cancer free life I had led up to now.
As soon as Tre pulled up in front of the beat up old brick house I jumped out of the car and ran up to the front door. I rang the bell and pounded on the door until it was opened by a grey haired lady who smiled slightly as she saw me on her door step.
"Billie, what are you doing here?"
Just hearing her voice and knowing what I would have to tell her broke me down again. I started to shake as I cried and Mom pulled me into the house and sat me down in the front room.
"Let me get you a glass of water," Mom said as she bustled out of the room into the neighbouring kitchen.
I stood up again, still shaking with grief and walked to the front windows, I could see Tre still sitting in the car, his head resting against the steering wheel.
"There you go," Mom said pressing the cool glass into my hand, "Now why don't you sit down and tell me what's wrong. Is everything okay with you and Adrienne?"
I gulped and nodded.
"Okay then, what about my grandchildren, Joseph and Jakob? They're okay aren't they?"
I nodded again, trying to take a drink of water with my shaking hands.
"Well then, what is it? I see Tre dropped you off so I guess nothing has happened with the band, has it?"
I shook my head, put the glass of water onto the coffee table in front of me and grabbed onto mother's hand.
"It's me." I said, my voice raspy and cracked after crying so much. "I have cancer." I looked away, unable to watch the horror creep up her face.
There was a sharp intake of breath and Mom sat down heavily, her hand over her mouth.
"Mom," I whispered, "I'm scared."
Tre half carried me over to the passenger door, opened it and sat me down on the seat. Then he just stood back and waited for the tide of tears to stop. I had never felt so uncertain in my life, I had nothing left to cling onto, no one could come to rescue me now. I was all alone, there was nothing between me and dying of cancer except pumping my body full of toxins, hoping it kills the cancer before it kills me. My breath became ragged and my sides started to ache long before the tears subsided leaving me tired and empty. Emptier than I had ever been in my life apart from that thing growing in my lung. Cancer... It bought back all those nights waiting with Dad at the hospital and the final realisation, he was never going to be alright. Well, now I'm not going to be alright and my sons would have to cry over my dying body in the hospital. Tears would have spilled over again at that thought, if I had anything left inside me. But I was finished, all I wanted to do was curl up and make it all go away. However even that wouldn't help, if I curled up now, I would end up taking the... the... thing with me.
I sniffed and looked up to where Tre was leaning against the car looking at me. I bit my lip as I tried to find the words, how do you tell one of your closest mates that you have cancer? I took a deep breath and said in a rush;
"I have lung cancer."
There, it was out, I had said it. Maybe I had said it so fast he didn't understand, maybe because he wouldn't understand it wouldn't be real, but saying it out loud somehow made it all too real.
Tre looked shocked, he slid down the car until he was sitting on the ground, staring into space, "Cancer."
I put my head in my hands and wished the throbbing behind my temples would stop. "Yeah, cancer. It looks as though its still in stage one, so if I start chemotherapy soon enough then I have a good chance of pulling through."
"Stage one?"
I sighed, "Stage one is when it's still centred in the once place, before it starts contaminating your blood stream and travelling to the rest of your body, stage two."
"Oh... "
"Tre?" I could feel myself shaking again, "What the fuck do I do now?"
***
It had actually been Tre's idea to go to Mom's house and talk to her. She could still remember, clear as day, when Dad had come home with the fateful news. She would know what to do, or at least would know what to say.
It took us a long time to get to Rodeo, where Mom still lived, or at least it seemed that way to me. Time was again travelling at half the speed it should, but I didn't want its pity, I wanted to get on with my life, that is the cancer free life I had led up to now.
As soon as Tre pulled up in front of the beat up old brick house I jumped out of the car and ran up to the front door. I rang the bell and pounded on the door until it was opened by a grey haired lady who smiled slightly as she saw me on her door step.
"Billie, what are you doing here?"
Just hearing her voice and knowing what I would have to tell her broke me down again. I started to shake as I cried and Mom pulled me into the house and sat me down in the front room.
"Let me get you a glass of water," Mom said as she bustled out of the room into the neighbouring kitchen.
I stood up again, still shaking with grief and walked to the front windows, I could see Tre still sitting in the car, his head resting against the steering wheel.
"There you go," Mom said pressing the cool glass into my hand, "Now why don't you sit down and tell me what's wrong. Is everything okay with you and Adrienne?"
I gulped and nodded.
"Okay then, what about my grandchildren, Joseph and Jakob? They're okay aren't they?"
I nodded again, trying to take a drink of water with my shaking hands.
"Well then, what is it? I see Tre dropped you off so I guess nothing has happened with the band, has it?"
I shook my head, put the glass of water onto the coffee table in front of me and grabbed onto mother's hand.
"It's me." I said, my voice raspy and cracked after crying so much. "I have cancer." I looked away, unable to watch the horror creep up her face.
There was a sharp intake of breath and Mom sat down heavily, her hand over her mouth.
"Mom," I whispered, "I'm scared."
