What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 4
It was just like being a child again, running back to Mom's house, but it did turn out to be more helpful than I had thought possible. While I still had not come to terms with having a potentially deadly illness, it helped to know that I was not alone. But it wasn't as though I ever had been alone, when I was a child I always had my mother and brothers and sisters around, then Mike, and Tre. Jason, Adrienne and everyone else as I grew up into the adult I am now, scars and all. And then my two beautiful sons. However coming back to the start seemed to help somehow, almost like I had an ally, my mother, who would help me confront everyone else, and my problem.
After sitting in silence for a while, Mom spoke; "So what do you do now?"
I sighed and thought, "First I have to go back and tell Adrienne, she should be one of the first to know. Tre already knows, but Mike should be next, and Jason. Then I guess I could get them to help me pull everyone together so I can make one big announcement rather than repeating myself, the label have to be there, as well as all my friends from around the place. I also have to get in touch with a specialist at Oakland hospital, my doctor said it would be best if I started... chemo as soon as possible." I shuddered at the thought. I'm not ready to cope with all of this. You shouldn't have to worry about dying until you are old, I am too young, I have so much of my life still left ahead of me, how much of it would I have to give up?
We sat in silence again as we both thought through what was going to happen in the future. I was jerked back to the present, however, by my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. I stood up and pulled it out, the lit screen said "Adi". Shit, what do I say?
I flipped it open and pressed the pick up button, shuddering silently as I put it to my ear; "Hey."
I could almost hear her smile down the phone, "Hey yourself. Where are you? It is nearly five, I expected you home ages ago. Did you get the results?"
"I am at my mother's, and yes, I did."
"At Ollie's?" Adrienne sounded confused, "Why? And what did the tests say?"
"Well, there's good news, and there's bad news. But it's a long story, and I will tell you when I get home."
"Errr... okay. I'll see you soon?"
"Yep, love you." I hung up before she could ask any more awkward questions.
Seeing that I had finished, Mom came up and gave me a hug, "If you need anything, just call."
I found that vaguely amusing, despite the day's events, seeing that I am a loaded rock star while she is an aging old lady from the working classes. But I kissed her on the cheek and returned the hug, I knew what she really meant.
Together we walked to the front door, we embraced one last time and I walked out into the cooling night.
"Look after yourself Billie." She called from the door step before closing the door with a snap behind her.
"I'll try." I replied, more to myself than to her. I walked over to Tre's hummer which was still parked in the drive way. Tre himself was sitting in the driver's seat, with his seat belt still on, talking on his cell phone. But seeing me he motioned across to the passenger seat and passed me the phone once I had opened the door and hopped in.
"It's Mike." He mouthed.
"Hey dude." I said into the phone.
"Hey BJ." He replied. "How's stuff?"
"Didn't Tre tell you?"
"No, while he does have the biggest mouth in the world he knows when to keep it shut." I smiled slightly and looked at Tre, who winked at me and stuck out his tongue. "So, are you going to tell me? Or wait til you've told everybody else?"
While I had planned to tell Adrienne first, I figured that Mike may as well be told now.
"Okay, well, you know I went in for some tests last week?" Mike made a little noise of accent into the phone. "Today they gave me the results, and they are not what you would call promising." I paused as I came to the worst bit and took several deep breaths to calm my nerves.
"What's wrong with the results?" Mike asked me, his voice sounded worried.
"I have cancer... in my lung." My voice was shaking, again. "The doctor recommended I go in for chemotherapy as soon as possible, but couldn't give me any details because she didn't know what to do herself."
Mike whistled, "Shit, Billie, I'm sorry. You know we are still all here for you don't you?" I grunted. "Tre told me you went to your Mom's, so at the moment I guess you're heading home to tell Adi. I don't want to talk to Cool again, so I will go, and let you work out how you're going to tell her in peace."
"Thanks Mike." I said quietly.
"It's nothing dude, take care."
"Later." I hung up and looked out the front windshield. "Tre?"
"Yes Billie?"
"Would you mind coming in to entertain Joseph and Jakob while I talk to Adi?"
"Sure, it would be great to see my God-children again anyway."
***
When we arrived back at my house I had to sit in the car again for a while before I was able to get out and let myself into the house. I wanted to give myself as much time as possible before the dreaded encounter, I needed to pull myself together, for Adi's sake, before I fell apart again. I loved Adrienne so fucking much, it wasn't fair that I had to let her know. But it would be worse if I kept it from her. I also had to work out how I was going to tell the kids... Shit, this was difficult. Not only did I have to come to terms with having cancer, I had to tell everyone else about it as well.
I took out my key chain from my pocket, unlocked the door, and let Tre and myself into the large front hall.
"Honey? Adi? Guys? I'm back!"
"Daddy!" I heard Jakob shout from the back of the house, followed by the pattering of footsteps as he ran into the front hall. "Did you get the coke?"
Shit.
"No, but look what I got you!" Good old Tre, he stepped out from behind me, pulling a couple of chocolate bars from his pocket and handing them ceremoniously to Jakob. Tre was a notorious chocoholic, even on tour he would have his own secret stash in his bunk. Thankfully he had pulled a couple of bars out of the glove box for Jakob and Joseph anyway.
"Wow, thanks Uncle Tre!"
"Now, why don't we go and see how your old Uncle Tre fairs at that new PS2 game he bought you. Your Mom and Dad need to have a grown ups chat, because they're boooring." And with that Tre took Jakob by the hand, and led him back to the television which left me free to find, and talk to, my Adi.
"Billie Joe?" I heard Adrienne's call and soft foot falls on the stairs. I quickly walked over to meet her at the bottom of them.
I crossed my arms, leant my hip against the wall and just watched her come down. She was so beautiful, the way her hips moved as she walked, the way her hair fell about her shoulders in black waves, the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she smiled. When she came into reach I pulled her into a hug and placed a small kiss on her lips before pulling back. "We need to talk." I said quietly, taking her by the hand and leading her to our bedroom. I quickly closed the door, turned around and sat down on the bed, patting the space next to me for her to sit down too. "I have something important to tell you."
After sitting in silence for a while, Mom spoke; "So what do you do now?"
I sighed and thought, "First I have to go back and tell Adrienne, she should be one of the first to know. Tre already knows, but Mike should be next, and Jason. Then I guess I could get them to help me pull everyone together so I can make one big announcement rather than repeating myself, the label have to be there, as well as all my friends from around the place. I also have to get in touch with a specialist at Oakland hospital, my doctor said it would be best if I started... chemo as soon as possible." I shuddered at the thought. I'm not ready to cope with all of this. You shouldn't have to worry about dying until you are old, I am too young, I have so much of my life still left ahead of me, how much of it would I have to give up?
We sat in silence again as we both thought through what was going to happen in the future. I was jerked back to the present, however, by my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. I stood up and pulled it out, the lit screen said "Adi". Shit, what do I say?
I flipped it open and pressed the pick up button, shuddering silently as I put it to my ear; "Hey."
I could almost hear her smile down the phone, "Hey yourself. Where are you? It is nearly five, I expected you home ages ago. Did you get the results?"
"I am at my mother's, and yes, I did."
"At Ollie's?" Adrienne sounded confused, "Why? And what did the tests say?"
"Well, there's good news, and there's bad news. But it's a long story, and I will tell you when I get home."
"Errr... okay. I'll see you soon?"
"Yep, love you." I hung up before she could ask any more awkward questions.
Seeing that I had finished, Mom came up and gave me a hug, "If you need anything, just call."
I found that vaguely amusing, despite the day's events, seeing that I am a loaded rock star while she is an aging old lady from the working classes. But I kissed her on the cheek and returned the hug, I knew what she really meant.
Together we walked to the front door, we embraced one last time and I walked out into the cooling night.
"Look after yourself Billie." She called from the door step before closing the door with a snap behind her.
"I'll try." I replied, more to myself than to her. I walked over to Tre's hummer which was still parked in the drive way. Tre himself was sitting in the driver's seat, with his seat belt still on, talking on his cell phone. But seeing me he motioned across to the passenger seat and passed me the phone once I had opened the door and hopped in.
"It's Mike." He mouthed.
"Hey dude." I said into the phone.
"Hey BJ." He replied. "How's stuff?"
"Didn't Tre tell you?"
"No, while he does have the biggest mouth in the world he knows when to keep it shut." I smiled slightly and looked at Tre, who winked at me and stuck out his tongue. "So, are you going to tell me? Or wait til you've told everybody else?"
While I had planned to tell Adrienne first, I figured that Mike may as well be told now.
"Okay, well, you know I went in for some tests last week?" Mike made a little noise of accent into the phone. "Today they gave me the results, and they are not what you would call promising." I paused as I came to the worst bit and took several deep breaths to calm my nerves.
"What's wrong with the results?" Mike asked me, his voice sounded worried.
"I have cancer... in my lung." My voice was shaking, again. "The doctor recommended I go in for chemotherapy as soon as possible, but couldn't give me any details because she didn't know what to do herself."
Mike whistled, "Shit, Billie, I'm sorry. You know we are still all here for you don't you?" I grunted. "Tre told me you went to your Mom's, so at the moment I guess you're heading home to tell Adi. I don't want to talk to Cool again, so I will go, and let you work out how you're going to tell her in peace."
"Thanks Mike." I said quietly.
"It's nothing dude, take care."
"Later." I hung up and looked out the front windshield. "Tre?"
"Yes Billie?"
"Would you mind coming in to entertain Joseph and Jakob while I talk to Adi?"
"Sure, it would be great to see my God-children again anyway."
***
When we arrived back at my house I had to sit in the car again for a while before I was able to get out and let myself into the house. I wanted to give myself as much time as possible before the dreaded encounter, I needed to pull myself together, for Adi's sake, before I fell apart again. I loved Adrienne so fucking much, it wasn't fair that I had to let her know. But it would be worse if I kept it from her. I also had to work out how I was going to tell the kids... Shit, this was difficult. Not only did I have to come to terms with having cancer, I had to tell everyone else about it as well.
I took out my key chain from my pocket, unlocked the door, and let Tre and myself into the large front hall.
"Honey? Adi? Guys? I'm back!"
"Daddy!" I heard Jakob shout from the back of the house, followed by the pattering of footsteps as he ran into the front hall. "Did you get the coke?"
Shit.
"No, but look what I got you!" Good old Tre, he stepped out from behind me, pulling a couple of chocolate bars from his pocket and handing them ceremoniously to Jakob. Tre was a notorious chocoholic, even on tour he would have his own secret stash in his bunk. Thankfully he had pulled a couple of bars out of the glove box for Jakob and Joseph anyway.
"Wow, thanks Uncle Tre!"
"Now, why don't we go and see how your old Uncle Tre fairs at that new PS2 game he bought you. Your Mom and Dad need to have a grown ups chat, because they're boooring." And with that Tre took Jakob by the hand, and led him back to the television which left me free to find, and talk to, my Adi.
"Billie Joe?" I heard Adrienne's call and soft foot falls on the stairs. I quickly walked over to meet her at the bottom of them.
I crossed my arms, leant my hip against the wall and just watched her come down. She was so beautiful, the way her hips moved as she walked, the way her hair fell about her shoulders in black waves, the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she smiled. When she came into reach I pulled her into a hug and placed a small kiss on her lips before pulling back. "We need to talk." I said quietly, taking her by the hand and leading her to our bedroom. I quickly closed the door, turned around and sat down on the bed, patting the space next to me for her to sit down too. "I have something important to tell you."
