What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 5
"Mom! Dad!! I beat Tre! Can you believe it?" Jakob came running down the hall and skidded to a halt in front of our closed bedroom door. "Hello?"
My heart sank at my own son's voice, can't we just have a couple of minutes to ourselves?
Adi smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek, "Your news can wait can't it?"
I ran a hand through my hair, "Of course it can, you go and celebrate. I'm going to go and have a shower."
My wife squeezed my hand, stood up, and opened the door.
"Mom! Did you hear? I beat Tre!"
"That's fantastic! How did Joseph go?"
"He's upstairs in his room, he's sulking because Dad didn't bring any Coke home. But look at what I did! Come and see!"
"Okay, okay, I'm coming." And without a backwards glance she strode from the room with our child.
There, I had blown it, no of course it couldn't fucking wait. I was so angry at myself, why was this so difficult? I wondered into our en suite bathroom, pulling my shirt off over my head. I stopped at the sight of my naked, tattooed chest in front of the mirror. I could almost see the black circle from the x-rays growing steadily in my lung. I stripped off quietly, trying not to think about anything but my coming shower. I turned on the hot tap and waited with my hand under the jet of water until it heated up. I ducked into the shower and pulled the door across to keep the water from going everywhere in the bathroom. I just stood there with the hot water running down my head and back, my tears mixed with the water as it ran down my face. I traced the tattoos on my chest and arms with a finger. Everything I had ever held onto was slipping between my fingers and I couldn't tell the one woman I loved because I didn't want to hurt her. What kind of man am I? With a loud, wet thud my body hit the shower bottom as my legs gave way underneath me.
"Billie?" There was a shout from the back of the house.
There was blood mixing with the water as it ran down the plug hole. I lifted up my arm to find a large gash on the inside of it where I must have caught it on the door as I fell. But I was so numb that I hadn't realised. I squeezed it and watched the blood blossom out and run down my arm in a fine, red line, mixing with the shower water as it went.
"Billie!" Adrienne caught sight of me as she ran into the bathroom. "Oh, shit, Billie!" She pulled off her jumper and threw open the shower door. She knelt down next to me under the jet of water and pulled my arm up so she could see the cut. She ran over to the medical cabinet next to the sink and pulled out a long bandage before returning to my side and winding it around my arm, sealing the cut and stopping any further blood coming out. "What happened?"
"I fell." I said stupidly.
She looked up sharply and her face softened as she met my eyes. She giggled slightly, "Your eyeliner is going everywhere." She returned to the sink and came back with a face washer to wipe away the black smudges from my face and eyes. I was too tired to move, I had lost it all that day, it was over, the pretence was up.
"Adi?"
"Yes Bill?"
"The doctor said I have cancer."
She smiled slightly, dropped the face washer and leaned in to kiss me. "I know."
"You know?"
"Tre told me, he knew we mustn't have had time to talk when Jake came in and interrupted us, so he told me when Jake went to get Joseph from his bedroom."
"But... Oh Adi, I was so scared to tell you, I didn't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt you. But shit, Adi, I am so fucking scared."
Adrienne leant her forehead against mine, "So am I, but it is still in it's early stages isn't it? Together, we can fight this."
I pulled her into a hug, that was my wife, that was the amazing, logical, beautiful woman I fell in love with. "I love you."
"Hey," She stroked my cheek affectionately, "I love you too. No matter what."
The shower was turning cold now as the hot water ran out. I pushed the wet hair out of her face. "You're soaked."
She laughed, "You don't say? Come on Sherlock, lets get you out of here before we have to worry about you catching a cold as well."
My heart sank at my own son's voice, can't we just have a couple of minutes to ourselves?
Adi smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek, "Your news can wait can't it?"
I ran a hand through my hair, "Of course it can, you go and celebrate. I'm going to go and have a shower."
My wife squeezed my hand, stood up, and opened the door.
"Mom! Did you hear? I beat Tre!"
"That's fantastic! How did Joseph go?"
"He's upstairs in his room, he's sulking because Dad didn't bring any Coke home. But look at what I did! Come and see!"
"Okay, okay, I'm coming." And without a backwards glance she strode from the room with our child.
There, I had blown it, no of course it couldn't fucking wait. I was so angry at myself, why was this so difficult? I wondered into our en suite bathroom, pulling my shirt off over my head. I stopped at the sight of my naked, tattooed chest in front of the mirror. I could almost see the black circle from the x-rays growing steadily in my lung. I stripped off quietly, trying not to think about anything but my coming shower. I turned on the hot tap and waited with my hand under the jet of water until it heated up. I ducked into the shower and pulled the door across to keep the water from going everywhere in the bathroom. I just stood there with the hot water running down my head and back, my tears mixed with the water as it ran down my face. I traced the tattoos on my chest and arms with a finger. Everything I had ever held onto was slipping between my fingers and I couldn't tell the one woman I loved because I didn't want to hurt her. What kind of man am I? With a loud, wet thud my body hit the shower bottom as my legs gave way underneath me.
"Billie?" There was a shout from the back of the house.
There was blood mixing with the water as it ran down the plug hole. I lifted up my arm to find a large gash on the inside of it where I must have caught it on the door as I fell. But I was so numb that I hadn't realised. I squeezed it and watched the blood blossom out and run down my arm in a fine, red line, mixing with the shower water as it went.
"Billie!" Adrienne caught sight of me as she ran into the bathroom. "Oh, shit, Billie!" She pulled off her jumper and threw open the shower door. She knelt down next to me under the jet of water and pulled my arm up so she could see the cut. She ran over to the medical cabinet next to the sink and pulled out a long bandage before returning to my side and winding it around my arm, sealing the cut and stopping any further blood coming out. "What happened?"
"I fell." I said stupidly.
She looked up sharply and her face softened as she met my eyes. She giggled slightly, "Your eyeliner is going everywhere." She returned to the sink and came back with a face washer to wipe away the black smudges from my face and eyes. I was too tired to move, I had lost it all that day, it was over, the pretence was up.
"Adi?"
"Yes Bill?"
"The doctor said I have cancer."
She smiled slightly, dropped the face washer and leaned in to kiss me. "I know."
"You know?"
"Tre told me, he knew we mustn't have had time to talk when Jake came in and interrupted us, so he told me when Jake went to get Joseph from his bedroom."
"But... Oh Adi, I was so scared to tell you, I didn't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt you. But shit, Adi, I am so fucking scared."
Adrienne leant her forehead against mine, "So am I, but it is still in it's early stages isn't it? Together, we can fight this."
I pulled her into a hug, that was my wife, that was the amazing, logical, beautiful woman I fell in love with. "I love you."
"Hey," She stroked my cheek affectionately, "I love you too. No matter what."
The shower was turning cold now as the hot water ran out. I pushed the wet hair out of her face. "You're soaked."
She laughed, "You don't say? Come on Sherlock, lets get you out of here before we have to worry about you catching a cold as well."
