What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 7
I walked into the kitchen to find Adrienne slaving away over the stove. I slipped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder.
"Heeey good looking, whaaat you gat cooking?" I sang softly into her ear, making her laugh.
"Wouldn't you like to know." She said mischievously, turning around in my arms to face me, biting her lip.
"Yes, I would like to know, very much so." I cocked my eyebrow, my face less than an inch from hers. I could feel her soft breath on my face and my heart started to race, some people claim that marriage recks a relationship, that you get bored of each other. I laughed softly, I could never get bored of the woman I hold in my arms right now. I squeezed her slightly just to make sure, once again, that she really was there.
"Well, dinner will be ready in about ten minutes," she whispered, her eyes fixed on mine. "Do you recon you can wait that long?"
"I'm not sure I can actually." I replied breathily, completely lost in her beautiful gaze.
My breath caught in my throat and before I knew it our lips had crashed together. Her lips were so soft and her breath smelt sweet and minty. I pulled her body closer to mine as she ran a hand through my messy black hair...
"Ewwww!!! DAD! MOM! That's gross!!"
Adi and I pulled away from each other, laughing. I raced around and swung Jakob up, onto my hip.
"You know what son? One day, when you grow up, you will find a girl you love as much as I love your mother."
"Ewww, no, girls have cooties!" Jakob pulled a face. "I'm going to stay young forever." He squirmed in my arms, I put him down and he ran off to his room shouting "Girls have cooties, girls have cooties!"
Adrienne laughed behind me. "Do you recon he will every grow out of that?"
"Well, I hope so."
"Where you always like that too?"
I grinned at her, "Well, I probably would have been if I didn't have a couple of older sisters looking out for me."
Adi just shook her head smiling, "Dinner will be ready soon, why don't you go and set the table while I just finish up here?"
'***
After dinner, Adi let me relax as she put the kids to bed; "You've had a long day, why don't you start on the list of people we should tell while I go and put them in a bath?"
I already had a list of a dozen or so people, but it was getting harder to think of people without getting all emotional, something guys aren't good at.
I decided I really had had enough for one day, finding out you have cancer is bad enough without having to think of everyone you want to, or need to, tell. I walked into the living room and looked through my DVDs, trying to decide what to watch. I decided on 'The Godfather', rolling my eyes at how clichéd that sounded. I turned on the DVD player, put the disk in and sat back on the sofa, trying to relax into the story enough to enjoy it. Three quarters of an hour later Adrienne came down to join me, looking almost as tired as I felt. I moved over and let her snuggle down into the sofa next to me.
I love you," she yawned. "No matter what."
Less than half the way through the movie Adi was already sound asleep, and my mind was going around in circles, trying to deal with the same one sided issue. I yawned, turned off the movie and half carried Adrienne back to our bedroom. I quietly pulled her clothes off her beautiful, pale body, and slipped an old t-shirt on over her head. I moved her over and covered her with the doona. I stopped to watch my beautiful wife as she slept, her face had gone all soft and peaceful and her dark hair was spread out on the pillow under her head. I could have stayed and watched her all night, but she groaned slightly, turned over, and pulled the covers closer to her body. The movement seemed to bring me out of my thoughts, I exited the bedroom, leaving her to sleep. I knew that in the state I'm in, I wouldn't sleep for another couple of hours, and seeing it wasn't too late yet, I decided to sit outside on the porch and watch the night.
I picked up my old acoustic from its stand in the darkening playroom as I went and passed by the fridge to get a few of bottles of beer. I opened the back door, letting in the late summer night air. I tried to take a deep breath to calm my nerves, but only ended up in a coughing fit that threatened to tear my lungs apart.
"Its not fucking fair!" I screamed and threw one of the un-opened bottles at the wall. It hit the bricks with a smash, glass and alcohol showered everywhere, leaving a dark brown stain on the wall and ground.
I opened one of the other bottles I had bought with me, and drank it back in one go. I sat down heavily on one of the steps off the porch and opened another, drinking half of it before putting it down and fishing in my pockets for a cigarette. I shouldn't be smoking, not with... with... cancer, but the cravings don't just stop instantly. With a shaking hand I put one in my mouth and searched my pockets for a lighter. I lit it and took in a deep, shuddering breath. I could feel myself relaxing as the smoke filled my lungs. How could something be so bad for you when it felt so right? I took another drag from the cigarette before taking a mouthful of beer from the bottle. I put the bottle aside, rested the cigarette on the ashtray I had bought with me, and sat my acoustic on my lap.
I messed around with a few odd chords for a while, before I launched into the song that I had always meant to play since I found out the fateful news at the doctors.
"Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends."
I paused to take another drag from my cigarette.
"Like my... fathers come to pass," I chocked slightly, willing the now ever present tears away.
"Seven years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends."
I paused again to drink the remainder of my beer.
"Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are."
As the air cooled around me I felt my fingers stiffen and slip on the strings. I couldn't stuff this song up, not now, not this time.
"As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends."
I looked up to the sky, to the stars, willing them to swallow me up so that I didn't have to go through anything my father did.
"Ring out the bells again,
Like we did when spring began,
Wake me up when September ends."
I started to cry softly while I sang. My voice cracked as I sent those well known words out into the dark night and to anyone who cared enough to listen.
"Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are."
The tears were falling freely now and I didn't have a hand to wipe them away.
"As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends.
Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends."
A slight wind had started to pick up, it seemed to steal the words out of my mouth and carry them off, as if to take them and put them in a jar to listen to when life got too hard.
"Like my father's come to pass,
Twenty years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends... "
With that I broke down completely, not the shuddering bone wrenching sobs from before, but softly and quietly, as my life fell apart around me once again.
"Heeey good looking, whaaat you gat cooking?" I sang softly into her ear, making her laugh.
"Wouldn't you like to know." She said mischievously, turning around in my arms to face me, biting her lip.
"Yes, I would like to know, very much so." I cocked my eyebrow, my face less than an inch from hers. I could feel her soft breath on my face and my heart started to race, some people claim that marriage recks a relationship, that you get bored of each other. I laughed softly, I could never get bored of the woman I hold in my arms right now. I squeezed her slightly just to make sure, once again, that she really was there.
"Well, dinner will be ready in about ten minutes," she whispered, her eyes fixed on mine. "Do you recon you can wait that long?"
"I'm not sure I can actually." I replied breathily, completely lost in her beautiful gaze.
My breath caught in my throat and before I knew it our lips had crashed together. Her lips were so soft and her breath smelt sweet and minty. I pulled her body closer to mine as she ran a hand through my messy black hair...
"Ewwww!!! DAD! MOM! That's gross!!"
Adi and I pulled away from each other, laughing. I raced around and swung Jakob up, onto my hip.
"You know what son? One day, when you grow up, you will find a girl you love as much as I love your mother."
"Ewww, no, girls have cooties!" Jakob pulled a face. "I'm going to stay young forever." He squirmed in my arms, I put him down and he ran off to his room shouting "Girls have cooties, girls have cooties!"
Adrienne laughed behind me. "Do you recon he will every grow out of that?"
"Well, I hope so."
"Where you always like that too?"
I grinned at her, "Well, I probably would have been if I didn't have a couple of older sisters looking out for me."
Adi just shook her head smiling, "Dinner will be ready soon, why don't you go and set the table while I just finish up here?"
'***
After dinner, Adi let me relax as she put the kids to bed; "You've had a long day, why don't you start on the list of people we should tell while I go and put them in a bath?"
I already had a list of a dozen or so people, but it was getting harder to think of people without getting all emotional, something guys aren't good at.
I decided I really had had enough for one day, finding out you have cancer is bad enough without having to think of everyone you want to, or need to, tell. I walked into the living room and looked through my DVDs, trying to decide what to watch. I decided on 'The Godfather', rolling my eyes at how clichéd that sounded. I turned on the DVD player, put the disk in and sat back on the sofa, trying to relax into the story enough to enjoy it. Three quarters of an hour later Adrienne came down to join me, looking almost as tired as I felt. I moved over and let her snuggle down into the sofa next to me.
I love you," she yawned. "No matter what."
Less than half the way through the movie Adi was already sound asleep, and my mind was going around in circles, trying to deal with the same one sided issue. I yawned, turned off the movie and half carried Adrienne back to our bedroom. I quietly pulled her clothes off her beautiful, pale body, and slipped an old t-shirt on over her head. I moved her over and covered her with the doona. I stopped to watch my beautiful wife as she slept, her face had gone all soft and peaceful and her dark hair was spread out on the pillow under her head. I could have stayed and watched her all night, but she groaned slightly, turned over, and pulled the covers closer to her body. The movement seemed to bring me out of my thoughts, I exited the bedroom, leaving her to sleep. I knew that in the state I'm in, I wouldn't sleep for another couple of hours, and seeing it wasn't too late yet, I decided to sit outside on the porch and watch the night.
I picked up my old acoustic from its stand in the darkening playroom as I went and passed by the fridge to get a few of bottles of beer. I opened the back door, letting in the late summer night air. I tried to take a deep breath to calm my nerves, but only ended up in a coughing fit that threatened to tear my lungs apart.
"Its not fucking fair!" I screamed and threw one of the un-opened bottles at the wall. It hit the bricks with a smash, glass and alcohol showered everywhere, leaving a dark brown stain on the wall and ground.
I opened one of the other bottles I had bought with me, and drank it back in one go. I sat down heavily on one of the steps off the porch and opened another, drinking half of it before putting it down and fishing in my pockets for a cigarette. I shouldn't be smoking, not with... with... cancer, but the cravings don't just stop instantly. With a shaking hand I put one in my mouth and searched my pockets for a lighter. I lit it and took in a deep, shuddering breath. I could feel myself relaxing as the smoke filled my lungs. How could something be so bad for you when it felt so right? I took another drag from the cigarette before taking a mouthful of beer from the bottle. I put the bottle aside, rested the cigarette on the ashtray I had bought with me, and sat my acoustic on my lap.
I messed around with a few odd chords for a while, before I launched into the song that I had always meant to play since I found out the fateful news at the doctors.
"Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends."
I paused to take another drag from my cigarette.
"Like my... fathers come to pass," I chocked slightly, willing the now ever present tears away.
"Seven years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends."
I paused again to drink the remainder of my beer.
"Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are."
As the air cooled around me I felt my fingers stiffen and slip on the strings. I couldn't stuff this song up, not now, not this time.
"As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends."
I looked up to the sky, to the stars, willing them to swallow me up so that I didn't have to go through anything my father did.
"Ring out the bells again,
Like we did when spring began,
Wake me up when September ends."
I started to cry softly while I sang. My voice cracked as I sent those well known words out into the dark night and to anyone who cared enough to listen.
"Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are."
The tears were falling freely now and I didn't have a hand to wipe them away.
"As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends.
Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends."
A slight wind had started to pick up, it seemed to steal the words out of my mouth and carry them off, as if to take them and put them in a jar to listen to when life got too hard.
"Like my father's come to pass,
Twenty years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends... "
With that I broke down completely, not the shuddering bone wrenching sobs from before, but softly and quietly, as my life fell apart around me once again.
