What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 8
Even though the memory of that first night stayed with me for long after, I didn't remember actually going to bed. All I knew was that in the morning I woke up, still exhausted, but also alone in the big double bed I shared with Adrienne. I rolled over to look at the alarm clock beside my bed; 10:30am. I rolled over again onto my back and tried to work out how I was going to tell the kids about the... cancer. It was still so difficult to say, to believe, but thankfully this time I didn't start crying, I just curled up on the bed and pulled the blanket further up over me. I was too old to think that there might still be a possibility that they had got it wrong. Cancer was just the logical thing, as much as I hated to admit it, so now the logical step would be to fight it.
With that I threw off the bed coverings, pulled on a pair of track pants and a t-shirt over my boxers and bare chest, and walked out of my bedroom to find the rest of my family.
I heard a muffled conversation going on in the kitchen which abruptly ended when I opened the door and walked in. Adrienne and Joseph were sitting on the stainless steel kitchen stools next to the big wooden bench, eating cereal. But the guilty looks on their faces told me what, or who, they had been talking about.
I tried to hide my hurt and anger, I turned on my heel and headed back out of the door, slamming it behind me. My own wife and child talking behind my back, how could they? Christ, it's not as though now I'm suddenly infectious to everybody else, it's not as if I'm going to suddenly fall down dead and take them all with me.
I sat down heavily on my bed and pushed my hair distractedly out of my face. I rested my face in my hands and tried to stop shaking. I heard the bedroom door shut quietly and felt Adrienne sit down next to me, but I shook her off as she tried to put her arms around me.
"Billie, I'm sorry."
I laughed hollowly, "You know what? So am I. I'm sorry that I ever got cancer, I'm sorry that my whole world is falling apart, I'm sorry that you had to know, I'm sorry that I trusted you to not tell Jay and Joseph til I was ready."
"But I didn't tell him." Adrienne pulled back, astonished, "I wouldn't."
"Oh right," I replied incredulously. "What were the guilty looks for then?"
"Joseph asked me what was wrong, he heard you outside last night and I told him that it wasn't for me to tell him."
"That was all you said?"
"Yes, Billie, of course it was, I wouldn't tell him unless you wanted me to. But he isn't stupid, he knew something was wrong when you didn't bring the coke back last night. He told me that you never forget, never. So he knew that it wasn't all okay yesterday, when not only did you forget, but you also bought Tre home as well." She smiled slightly, "He's a smart boy. Sometimes too smart for his own good. He had already worked out that something had happened. You know, his ability to see through everything and everyone kind of reminds me of a man I fell in love with years ago."
I threw my arms around my darling wife, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blame you."
She just rubbed my back, "It's okay, the next coming months are going to be hard for all of us. I mean, I'm pretty cut up about it, but I can't image what's going through your mind at the moment. But you can always trust me, for anything."
"Thankyou." I said into her shoulder.
"But you should go and talk to Joe. He needs to know. Jay too."
I sat up again and rubbed my hand over my face. "Okay. I'm ready, I can do this." I said, more to myself than to Adi.
But she just patted me on the back, gave me a hand to stand up, and left me to go back into the kitchen and talk to our son.
The passage had never seemed so long before and when I finally got to the kitchen I rested my head against the door, biding my time before I had to go in. But I didn't have to wait long, Joseph pulled the door open from the other side and I almost fell on top of him.
"Hey, Dad, what are you doing?"
"Er... Nothing... You finished your breakfast?"
"No, I couldn't find the new box of cereal so I was just coming to ask Mum where it is."
"Here, let me get it for you, I need to talk to you anyway."
"What about?"
"Lets just get the cereal and I will tell you once I've eaten some myself."
Everything was silent while I got out the new box of Corn Flakes and poured Joseph and myself a bowl. I sat down on one of the big stainless steel stools next to him to eat.
"So what are we doing this weekend, Dad?" Joseph asked, milk dripping from his open mouth onto his chin.
I smiled, tore a piece of kitchen towel off the roll, and leaned forward to wipe away the milk which was now dripping off his chin onto the counter. "Well, that depends on what you want to do."
"Can we go down to the park later?"
"Sure, if that's what you want. And I will try to remember to buy you some coke this time." I paused to eat another spoonful of the Corn Flakes in my bowl, giving me time to think over how I was going to word this. "You remember yesterday, Joe, when I went out with Tre?" He nodded silently. "Well, I went to the doctors to get the results of the tests I did last week. Your Dad hasn't been very well recently and wanted to find out if it was anything to worry about. And, it turns out that he really is very sick." I pushed my empty bowl away from me and spun on the seat to face him. "Joseph, have you heard of something called cancer?"
He looked scared and whispered, "Yes."
"Well, your Dad has it."
Joseph's mouth dropped open and he looked as though he was going to burst into tears.
"Oh, Joseph, don't cry." I jumped off my seat and hugged him.
"But I don't want you to be sick Dad. I don't want you to die." His body was heaving as he tried not to cry.
"I'm not going to die. The doctor said it was still very early on, so there is no reason why I wouldn't be okay."
I stood there for a while, hugging my son as he cried. It was unbelievable, I remembered when I was his age and when my dad had hugged me after telling me the same news. I swore to myself, then and there, this would NOT have the same outcome as my father's cancer did. I would NOT put my own sons, my own flesh and blood through what I had to go through when I was his age. I know that my father didn't have any more say in the matter than I do now, and I couldn't imagine blaming him for what happened, but it was always difficult once he left.
I rolled my eyes as the phone rang, perfect timing, as usual. I heard Adi pick up the cordless phone in the hall and answer it, but before long she called;
"BJ? Phone for you."
"Can you bring it into the kitchen?" I called back.
There were footsteps as Adrienne came into the room. I pulled away from Joseph, who still clung onto me as though I was about to disappear forever, and took the phone from my wife, before walking into the other room to answer it.
"Billie Joe Armstrong speaking, who is this?"
A man's voice that I didn't recognise answered. "Good morning Mr Armstrong, I hope I haven't woken you."
"No, not at all." I said, running my hand distractedly over the polished wood edge to the pool table.
"Good, good, my name is Doctor Andrew Schultz, I'm a cancer specialist at Oakland hospital." I slid down to the floor heavily, breathing hard. "I have just received your preliminary test results from Doctor Windslow and wanted to catch up with you some time, depending on what your plans are." He paused slightly, as though expecting me to say something, but I kept quiet and he continued in a gentler, less business like tone. "Doctor Windslow informed you, no doubly, of her fears, and I'm sorry to say that I agree with her. However, I would like you to come in for further tests to make sure."
"Right, okay," I answered breathily.
I could almost feel his sympathetic smile down the phone line, "Mr Armstrong, I know cancer is very scary, but I have treated enough patients to be able to tell you confidently that you have a fighting chance of getting over this."
I voiced my desperate worry, the thought that had been nagging at me since I found out; "What if I don't?"
"Mr Armstrong, your blood test results showed no traces of cancerous tissue, and your scans show that the growth is limited to a small area of your left lung. It is obviously in its very early stages, and that is always the best time. At the moment, without secondary test results, I would give you two to five months, without chemotherapy, before your cancer moves into stage two. That is a huge amount of time, and if we act quickly then we will get it long before that happens. If you start chemotherapy, and stop smoking, I would not be surprised if not only did you overcome this, but you also lived to a ripe old age."
I rested my head in my hand and tried to calm down, if the specialist said that I would be okay, then I'm sure I would be. I made up my mind, "Right, when do you want me to come in?"
With that I threw off the bed coverings, pulled on a pair of track pants and a t-shirt over my boxers and bare chest, and walked out of my bedroom to find the rest of my family.
I heard a muffled conversation going on in the kitchen which abruptly ended when I opened the door and walked in. Adrienne and Joseph were sitting on the stainless steel kitchen stools next to the big wooden bench, eating cereal. But the guilty looks on their faces told me what, or who, they had been talking about.
I tried to hide my hurt and anger, I turned on my heel and headed back out of the door, slamming it behind me. My own wife and child talking behind my back, how could they? Christ, it's not as though now I'm suddenly infectious to everybody else, it's not as if I'm going to suddenly fall down dead and take them all with me.
I sat down heavily on my bed and pushed my hair distractedly out of my face. I rested my face in my hands and tried to stop shaking. I heard the bedroom door shut quietly and felt Adrienne sit down next to me, but I shook her off as she tried to put her arms around me.
"Billie, I'm sorry."
I laughed hollowly, "You know what? So am I. I'm sorry that I ever got cancer, I'm sorry that my whole world is falling apart, I'm sorry that you had to know, I'm sorry that I trusted you to not tell Jay and Joseph til I was ready."
"But I didn't tell him." Adrienne pulled back, astonished, "I wouldn't."
"Oh right," I replied incredulously. "What were the guilty looks for then?"
"Joseph asked me what was wrong, he heard you outside last night and I told him that it wasn't for me to tell him."
"That was all you said?"
"Yes, Billie, of course it was, I wouldn't tell him unless you wanted me to. But he isn't stupid, he knew something was wrong when you didn't bring the coke back last night. He told me that you never forget, never. So he knew that it wasn't all okay yesterday, when not only did you forget, but you also bought Tre home as well." She smiled slightly, "He's a smart boy. Sometimes too smart for his own good. He had already worked out that something had happened. You know, his ability to see through everything and everyone kind of reminds me of a man I fell in love with years ago."
I threw my arms around my darling wife, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blame you."
She just rubbed my back, "It's okay, the next coming months are going to be hard for all of us. I mean, I'm pretty cut up about it, but I can't image what's going through your mind at the moment. But you can always trust me, for anything."
"Thankyou." I said into her shoulder.
"But you should go and talk to Joe. He needs to know. Jay too."
I sat up again and rubbed my hand over my face. "Okay. I'm ready, I can do this." I said, more to myself than to Adi.
But she just patted me on the back, gave me a hand to stand up, and left me to go back into the kitchen and talk to our son.
The passage had never seemed so long before and when I finally got to the kitchen I rested my head against the door, biding my time before I had to go in. But I didn't have to wait long, Joseph pulled the door open from the other side and I almost fell on top of him.
"Hey, Dad, what are you doing?"
"Er... Nothing... You finished your breakfast?"
"No, I couldn't find the new box of cereal so I was just coming to ask Mum where it is."
"Here, let me get it for you, I need to talk to you anyway."
"What about?"
"Lets just get the cereal and I will tell you once I've eaten some myself."
Everything was silent while I got out the new box of Corn Flakes and poured Joseph and myself a bowl. I sat down on one of the big stainless steel stools next to him to eat.
"So what are we doing this weekend, Dad?" Joseph asked, milk dripping from his open mouth onto his chin.
I smiled, tore a piece of kitchen towel off the roll, and leaned forward to wipe away the milk which was now dripping off his chin onto the counter. "Well, that depends on what you want to do."
"Can we go down to the park later?"
"Sure, if that's what you want. And I will try to remember to buy you some coke this time." I paused to eat another spoonful of the Corn Flakes in my bowl, giving me time to think over how I was going to word this. "You remember yesterday, Joe, when I went out with Tre?" He nodded silently. "Well, I went to the doctors to get the results of the tests I did last week. Your Dad hasn't been very well recently and wanted to find out if it was anything to worry about. And, it turns out that he really is very sick." I pushed my empty bowl away from me and spun on the seat to face him. "Joseph, have you heard of something called cancer?"
He looked scared and whispered, "Yes."
"Well, your Dad has it."
Joseph's mouth dropped open and he looked as though he was going to burst into tears.
"Oh, Joseph, don't cry." I jumped off my seat and hugged him.
"But I don't want you to be sick Dad. I don't want you to die." His body was heaving as he tried not to cry.
"I'm not going to die. The doctor said it was still very early on, so there is no reason why I wouldn't be okay."
I stood there for a while, hugging my son as he cried. It was unbelievable, I remembered when I was his age and when my dad had hugged me after telling me the same news. I swore to myself, then and there, this would NOT have the same outcome as my father's cancer did. I would NOT put my own sons, my own flesh and blood through what I had to go through when I was his age. I know that my father didn't have any more say in the matter than I do now, and I couldn't imagine blaming him for what happened, but it was always difficult once he left.
I rolled my eyes as the phone rang, perfect timing, as usual. I heard Adi pick up the cordless phone in the hall and answer it, but before long she called;
"BJ? Phone for you."
"Can you bring it into the kitchen?" I called back.
There were footsteps as Adrienne came into the room. I pulled away from Joseph, who still clung onto me as though I was about to disappear forever, and took the phone from my wife, before walking into the other room to answer it.
"Billie Joe Armstrong speaking, who is this?"
A man's voice that I didn't recognise answered. "Good morning Mr Armstrong, I hope I haven't woken you."
"No, not at all." I said, running my hand distractedly over the polished wood edge to the pool table.
"Good, good, my name is Doctor Andrew Schultz, I'm a cancer specialist at Oakland hospital." I slid down to the floor heavily, breathing hard. "I have just received your preliminary test results from Doctor Windslow and wanted to catch up with you some time, depending on what your plans are." He paused slightly, as though expecting me to say something, but I kept quiet and he continued in a gentler, less business like tone. "Doctor Windslow informed you, no doubly, of her fears, and I'm sorry to say that I agree with her. However, I would like you to come in for further tests to make sure."
"Right, okay," I answered breathily.
I could almost feel his sympathetic smile down the phone line, "Mr Armstrong, I know cancer is very scary, but I have treated enough patients to be able to tell you confidently that you have a fighting chance of getting over this."
I voiced my desperate worry, the thought that had been nagging at me since I found out; "What if I don't?"
"Mr Armstrong, your blood test results showed no traces of cancerous tissue, and your scans show that the growth is limited to a small area of your left lung. It is obviously in its very early stages, and that is always the best time. At the moment, without secondary test results, I would give you two to five months, without chemotherapy, before your cancer moves into stage two. That is a huge amount of time, and if we act quickly then we will get it long before that happens. If you start chemotherapy, and stop smoking, I would not be surprised if not only did you overcome this, but you also lived to a ripe old age."
I rested my head in my hand and tried to calm down, if the specialist said that I would be okay, then I'm sure I would be. I made up my mind, "Right, when do you want me to come in?"
