What If We're Not Okay?, chapter 9
That Tuesday I went in for further tests. It was the most nerve wrecking thing I had ever done, watching silently as nurses attached suction cups and wires to my chest, lying down on the MRI scanner bed as the large machine whirred and clicked above me. The hospital had a deathly quiet about it, it felt unlived in and the smell of disinfectant that I could never get used to, hung in the corridors like mist. The chill reminded me forcibly of those who had come before me, and I tried not to think about how many of them had not made it through. I was introduced to Doctor Shultz, a tall, willowy, friendly, man in his mid forties, with naturally dark hair and piercing blue eyes. While he chatted about the weather and seemed genuinely interested that I was a professional musician, he had an air of practical efficiency that reminded me of Doctor Windslow. The day passed in a blur of white doctors' coats, bare blue-green walls, further tests and that unnerving quiet. I was glad when five o'clock rolled around and I was able to return to the land of the living and healthy, and the natural sounds and smells of my own house.
I had rung the label the day before to tell them my news, they had been sympathetic and asked me what I was planning on doing and how I would like it to be handled. With Tre and Mike's consent I decided to put Green Day on hold for a year, well at least my part of it. I agreed to let a couple of writers from Rolling Stone Magazine I knew, and had worked with before, come to the gathering Adi had organised so they would be able to make the final official press release. While I was on the phone the label also recorded a message from me to be posted on the official Green Day website, to let the fans know of my cancer and of Green Day's temporary disbandment. When I had first received the news less than a week ago it had been shocking and horrifying, but I had never realised there were so many people I had to tell and so many things I had to do before anything could really happen to combat it. I felt as though I was gathering all the threads of my life together, tying them up, and putting them away until the day came when I could pick them all up and continue where I left off. The days passed, long and tiring, only broken up by restless nights full of nightmares featuring long green-blue corridors where death appeared at every door dressed in white doctors' coats and the smell of disinfectant closed in around me.
Friday, the day of the gathering, finally came, cool and bright. I couldn't believe how fast it had all gone, it was exactly a week since Doctor Windslow returned my test results, exactly a week since I had gone running to my mother, exactly a week since I had told Tre, Mike and Adrienne, exactly a week that I had known that I have cancer.
I moved over in the bed to Adi's side, her body was so warm and the just the perfect shape as I snuggled into her side.
"Is it morning?" She asked groggily.
"Yes, but we don't have to get up yet."
"Good, I just want to stay in here with you." She rolled over so she could put her arms around me while staying under the covers.
I loved it, just lying here with my wife, I squeezed her gently and kissed her bare shoulder. "What time is the thing tonight?"
"Seven thirty."
"Here?"
"Yeah."
"Are the kids going to come?"
"Well, that's your choice," She yawned. "Both of them already know so they don't need to come, but it might be kinder to them if they did."
I sighed and this time it was Adi's turn to push up and kiss my cheek. I turned my head and caught her worried expression, "You will be okay won't you?"
I hugged her tighter, but looked away from her face to the wall behind her head, "I hope so, I hope so."
She put her hands on either side of my face and forced it down to look at her, "I love you."
I tried to smile, but it wouldn't have fooled anyone, least of all Adrienne, who knew me inside out. She stroked her hand down my cheek, I caught it with mine and pulled it to my mouth to place a soft kiss in the middle of her palm.
"You won't let anything happen will you?" She asked anxiously as I held her hand between mine, tracing the lines that ran across her palm from left to right and top to bottom.
I didn't answer, what could I have said? Instead I pushed forward again to kiss Adi on her lips, almost instantly I felt her respond and start to kiss me back. She pulled her hand from mine to run it through my hair and pull my head in closer to hers. I rolled over on top of her, still kissing her furiously and let my hand trail slowly up the inside of her leg. I felt her shudder slightly and moan with pleasure into my mouth. God I loved her. One of her hands left my head to run her flingers lightly down the back of my neck, making my spine tingle.
"Mom! Dad! Joe won't let me play on the Playstation." I heard Jakob's voice shout impatiently from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
I let my body fall on top of Adrienne's. "I think we should just cart them off to some orphanage."
I felt her laugh slightly underneath me, "That doesn't sound like too bad an idea."
"Do you recon they would mind?"
"Maybe just a little."
"Just a little huh? Well, I think I can deal with just a little." I whispered into Adi's ear. I started to kiss her again, slowly, but Jakob hadn't been put off by us ignoring his complaint.
"Mom!! Daaad!! Its my turn and he won't let me."
"Right, I'll handle this." I threw the covers off us, pulled on a t-shirt and padded over to the door. Opening it I saw Jakob standing outside in his pyjamas, pouting. "So, what's up little man?"
I had rung the label the day before to tell them my news, they had been sympathetic and asked me what I was planning on doing and how I would like it to be handled. With Tre and Mike's consent I decided to put Green Day on hold for a year, well at least my part of it. I agreed to let a couple of writers from Rolling Stone Magazine I knew, and had worked with before, come to the gathering Adi had organised so they would be able to make the final official press release. While I was on the phone the label also recorded a message from me to be posted on the official Green Day website, to let the fans know of my cancer and of Green Day's temporary disbandment. When I had first received the news less than a week ago it had been shocking and horrifying, but I had never realised there were so many people I had to tell and so many things I had to do before anything could really happen to combat it. I felt as though I was gathering all the threads of my life together, tying them up, and putting them away until the day came when I could pick them all up and continue where I left off. The days passed, long and tiring, only broken up by restless nights full of nightmares featuring long green-blue corridors where death appeared at every door dressed in white doctors' coats and the smell of disinfectant closed in around me.
Friday, the day of the gathering, finally came, cool and bright. I couldn't believe how fast it had all gone, it was exactly a week since Doctor Windslow returned my test results, exactly a week since I had gone running to my mother, exactly a week since I had told Tre, Mike and Adrienne, exactly a week that I had known that I have cancer.
I moved over in the bed to Adi's side, her body was so warm and the just the perfect shape as I snuggled into her side.
"Is it morning?" She asked groggily.
"Yes, but we don't have to get up yet."
"Good, I just want to stay in here with you." She rolled over so she could put her arms around me while staying under the covers.
I loved it, just lying here with my wife, I squeezed her gently and kissed her bare shoulder. "What time is the thing tonight?"
"Seven thirty."
"Here?"
"Yeah."
"Are the kids going to come?"
"Well, that's your choice," She yawned. "Both of them already know so they don't need to come, but it might be kinder to them if they did."
I sighed and this time it was Adi's turn to push up and kiss my cheek. I turned my head and caught her worried expression, "You will be okay won't you?"
I hugged her tighter, but looked away from her face to the wall behind her head, "I hope so, I hope so."
She put her hands on either side of my face and forced it down to look at her, "I love you."
I tried to smile, but it wouldn't have fooled anyone, least of all Adrienne, who knew me inside out. She stroked her hand down my cheek, I caught it with mine and pulled it to my mouth to place a soft kiss in the middle of her palm.
"You won't let anything happen will you?" She asked anxiously as I held her hand between mine, tracing the lines that ran across her palm from left to right and top to bottom.
I didn't answer, what could I have said? Instead I pushed forward again to kiss Adi on her lips, almost instantly I felt her respond and start to kiss me back. She pulled her hand from mine to run it through my hair and pull my head in closer to hers. I rolled over on top of her, still kissing her furiously and let my hand trail slowly up the inside of her leg. I felt her shudder slightly and moan with pleasure into my mouth. God I loved her. One of her hands left my head to run her flingers lightly down the back of my neck, making my spine tingle.
"Mom! Dad! Joe won't let me play on the Playstation." I heard Jakob's voice shout impatiently from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
I let my body fall on top of Adrienne's. "I think we should just cart them off to some orphanage."
I felt her laugh slightly underneath me, "That doesn't sound like too bad an idea."
"Do you recon they would mind?"
"Maybe just a little."
"Just a little huh? Well, I think I can deal with just a little." I whispered into Adi's ear. I started to kiss her again, slowly, but Jakob hadn't been put off by us ignoring his complaint.
"Mom!! Daaad!! Its my turn and he won't let me."
"Right, I'll handle this." I threw the covers off us, pulled on a t-shirt and padded over to the door. Opening it I saw Jakob standing outside in his pyjamas, pouting. "So, what's up little man?"
