American Idiot: The Story, chapter 10
Around that time it was September. I thought about my life. From when I firist left home. I thought about how Brad treated my mom like shit. I did write a letter telling her I was alright, just like Jimmy said I should. I thought about Jimmy and how he helped me and then betrayed me. I thought about my new friends and how they made my life fun. I thought about Whatsername and how good she made me feel and now, how much pain she caused me and how much I-well, Jimmy caused her. I never would've felt all this pain if only my dad never died. I don't know why he had to get that Cancer or why they couldn't treat it better. I remember the day he died. I was in the hospital with my mom. The last words he said to me were:
"Stay strong. Don't let anyone or anything scare you out of what you really want to do. Choose the right paths, and be your own boss. I love you, Jesus..."
And I have. At least, I think I have. I kept living strong and I never let anyone scare me out of what I want to do with myself. Nothing has ever scared me after that moment. I mean, what can be scarier than watching your dad die? I failed to be my own boss because I had this thing living in me and controlling my life. But I was pretty sure I chose the right paths. Well, except maybe when I left home. It seemed like such a good idea then, but look what it did to me now. I lived in a tiny room. I sold drugs for a living. I always thought about it. Did I really choose the right paths? Or was I just trying to convince myself I did? I promised my dad I would. When my dad closed his eyes and took his final breath was one of the last times I cried. I think my father's death built character, but it also tore me apart. I wonder what my dad would say if he saw what my mother married, or if he saw what I'm doing with myself. I was walking for a long time. About 3 hours. I was tired and hungry, but I didn't care. I needed to sort my life out...
Like my father's come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends
Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests,
But never forgets whar I lost.
Wake me up when September ends...
I walked up to the bay. I stared out into it for a few minutes. What was I going to do now? Was I gonna go to college like I said I should? Or was I gonna go back to the hangout and think about it, but never do it? Well, I definitley had enough money to go. But what do I wanna do? Nothing that reminds me of Whatsername, Jimmy or my friends. And I was definitley not going anywhere near a hospital. I sighed and sat on the ground. I drew small stick figures of me and Whatsername and Jimmy in between us. This was all his fault. I hate St. Jimmy.
"You don't hate me Jesus, you're just mad. You'll get over her and see how right I was. Just like every other time"
"No Jimmy. I love her and I don't know why you didn't listen to me. Now everything is fucked up. Thanks a lot, Jimmy"
"Jesus, listen to me. Your gonna get over her. You need to. Or else you'll become weak. Just like before you created me. You don't want that, do you?"
"Loving someone and missing them doesn't make a person weak. Your the weak one, Jimmy. You don't know what love is, so you try to act tough when actually you're weak. You're pathetic Jimmy."
"I'm not the one who cries over some bitch who bosses me around!"
"She's not a bitch, Jimmy! Jimmy, just leave! Get the fuck outta my life!"
"I won't Jesus, not until you realize how much you need me."
"Get out!" I yelled and I fell on the floor. I grabbed my head and yelled. I kept telling Jimmy to leave. I don't know why he wouldn't. Couldn't he tell I didn't want him anymore? What was his problem? I pulled at my hair, I scratched at my face. Anything to make Jimmy leave.
"I'm not leaving until you grow up Jesus, you need me! "
"I think you need to grow up! I don't need you. I can live on my own! I don't need some motherfucking loser telling me what to do anymore! What is it gonna take for you to understand? I don't want you anymore, I don't need you anymore, so just get the fuck outta my life!"
Jimmy was silent for a minute. We were both breathing heavily. My hands came down from my head and I relaxed a little. Had I finally convinced Jimmy? I sure as Hell hope so. I couldn't take this anymore.
"I guess you're right, Jesus. You don't want me and you don't need me. I'm glad that you can make it on your own. But I'm sure I could've helped you out some more. I'll just leave Jesus." He spoke so calmly.
"Thank you Jimmy. I hope you understand why I don't want you"
"I do, Jesus."
"And thank you. For everything. For introducing me to my new home. Thank you. For teaching me how to live"
"Anytime, Jesus, anytime."
All of a sudden, I felt light. As if the load on my shoulders was gone. I looked around and then at the ground. I noticed the drawing I drew. A soft wind had scratched Jimmy out.
"Jimmy?"
No answer.
"Jimmy? Are you still here?"
Still nothing.
"He's gone." I said to myself. I smiled. Finally, I was free. No more alter-ego. No more switching to a different person. I could finally live my own life. I felt great. That was probably the first time since before I broke up with Whatsername. I got up and looked out into the water.
My heart is beating from me,
I am standing all alone
Please call me only
If you are coming home
Waste another year flies by
Waste a night or two
You taught me how to live
In the crownd of pain,
St. Jimmy comes without any shame
He says we're "Fucked up"
And we're not the same.
And mom and dad are the ones you can blame.
Jimmy died today,
He blew his brains out into the bay
In the state of mind
In my own private suicide...
St. Jimmy was gone. He "killed himself." He left me alone to live my way, just like I wanted. I kept staring out into the water. Could I live without Jimmy? He's been helping me for so long now. It's the middle of October, we first met in May. I was sure I could. I was just going to have to try.
"Stay strong. Don't let anyone or anything scare you out of what you really want to do. Choose the right paths, and be your own boss. I love you, Jesus..."
And I have. At least, I think I have. I kept living strong and I never let anyone scare me out of what I want to do with myself. Nothing has ever scared me after that moment. I mean, what can be scarier than watching your dad die? I failed to be my own boss because I had this thing living in me and controlling my life. But I was pretty sure I chose the right paths. Well, except maybe when I left home. It seemed like such a good idea then, but look what it did to me now. I lived in a tiny room. I sold drugs for a living. I always thought about it. Did I really choose the right paths? Or was I just trying to convince myself I did? I promised my dad I would. When my dad closed his eyes and took his final breath was one of the last times I cried. I think my father's death built character, but it also tore me apart. I wonder what my dad would say if he saw what my mother married, or if he saw what I'm doing with myself. I was walking for a long time. About 3 hours. I was tired and hungry, but I didn't care. I needed to sort my life out...
Like my father's come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends
Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests,
But never forgets whar I lost.
Wake me up when September ends...
I walked up to the bay. I stared out into it for a few minutes. What was I going to do now? Was I gonna go to college like I said I should? Or was I gonna go back to the hangout and think about it, but never do it? Well, I definitley had enough money to go. But what do I wanna do? Nothing that reminds me of Whatsername, Jimmy or my friends. And I was definitley not going anywhere near a hospital. I sighed and sat on the ground. I drew small stick figures of me and Whatsername and Jimmy in between us. This was all his fault. I hate St. Jimmy.
"You don't hate me Jesus, you're just mad. You'll get over her and see how right I was. Just like every other time"
"No Jimmy. I love her and I don't know why you didn't listen to me. Now everything is fucked up. Thanks a lot, Jimmy"
"Jesus, listen to me. Your gonna get over her. You need to. Or else you'll become weak. Just like before you created me. You don't want that, do you?"
"Loving someone and missing them doesn't make a person weak. Your the weak one, Jimmy. You don't know what love is, so you try to act tough when actually you're weak. You're pathetic Jimmy."
"I'm not the one who cries over some bitch who bosses me around!"
"She's not a bitch, Jimmy! Jimmy, just leave! Get the fuck outta my life!"
"I won't Jesus, not until you realize how much you need me."
"Get out!" I yelled and I fell on the floor. I grabbed my head and yelled. I kept telling Jimmy to leave. I don't know why he wouldn't. Couldn't he tell I didn't want him anymore? What was his problem? I pulled at my hair, I scratched at my face. Anything to make Jimmy leave.
"I'm not leaving until you grow up Jesus, you need me! "
"I think you need to grow up! I don't need you. I can live on my own! I don't need some motherfucking loser telling me what to do anymore! What is it gonna take for you to understand? I don't want you anymore, I don't need you anymore, so just get the fuck outta my life!"
Jimmy was silent for a minute. We were both breathing heavily. My hands came down from my head and I relaxed a little. Had I finally convinced Jimmy? I sure as Hell hope so. I couldn't take this anymore.
"I guess you're right, Jesus. You don't want me and you don't need me. I'm glad that you can make it on your own. But I'm sure I could've helped you out some more. I'll just leave Jesus." He spoke so calmly.
"Thank you Jimmy. I hope you understand why I don't want you"
"I do, Jesus."
"And thank you. For everything. For introducing me to my new home. Thank you. For teaching me how to live"
"Anytime, Jesus, anytime."
All of a sudden, I felt light. As if the load on my shoulders was gone. I looked around and then at the ground. I noticed the drawing I drew. A soft wind had scratched Jimmy out.
"Jimmy?"
No answer.
"Jimmy? Are you still here?"
Still nothing.
"He's gone." I said to myself. I smiled. Finally, I was free. No more alter-ego. No more switching to a different person. I could finally live my own life. I felt great. That was probably the first time since before I broke up with Whatsername. I got up and looked out into the water.
My heart is beating from me,
I am standing all alone
Please call me only
If you are coming home
Waste another year flies by
Waste a night or two
You taught me how to live
In the crownd of pain,
St. Jimmy comes without any shame
He says we're "Fucked up"
And we're not the same.
And mom and dad are the ones you can blame.
Jimmy died today,
He blew his brains out into the bay
In the state of mind
In my own private suicide...
St. Jimmy was gone. He "killed himself." He left me alone to live my way, just like I wanted. I kept staring out into the water. Could I live without Jimmy? He's been helping me for so long now. It's the middle of October, we first met in May. I was sure I could. I was just going to have to try.
