Billie Joe Decided to Shut the Door to His Past, Once and For All, chapter 1
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Billie Joe looked into the bathroom mirror but he wasn't sure about who was staring back at him. If he would ask would he get an answer? He didn't think so, 'cause why would a stranger in the mirror talk to him? The thoughts were dancing around in Billie Joe's head as he stood there without moving at all. For how long he didn't know and eventually Adrienne walked in to find her housebound standing there like a living dead gazing into the mirror with wide open eyes. The suspicion that something wasn't right with him came creeping onto her. He didn't notice her presence at all. Ady looked at him and felt a sudden shill go through her body. It left her shivering. Billie Joe's eyes looked empty, sort of hollow and his lips were drawn back in a smile. No, it was more of a grin, like an animal shoving its teeth before burring them in its victim's throat. He didn't blink once.
"Billie Joe, love" she said in such low voice it almost was a whisper. He didn't seem to hear her. She cleared her throat and said his name again. This time Billie Joe noticed that he wasn't alone. He turned towards her with a warm smile and his eyes that seconds ago had been so empty where now full of life.
"Hi, didn't see ya" he said and pulled her in for a kiss but she turned her head away. "Aww, don't teas me like that!" he whined and made a puppy dog face. He looked absolutely adorably but his behavior scared her. He was acting strange, even stranger than usual. He looked at her with a worried expression like she was the one who wasn't ok.
"You ok?" he asked and she gave him a questioning look. He tilted his head a little to the left and gave her a sweet smile. Ady couldn't help smiling back at him and when she did his eyes twinkled happily.
"Yeah, I'm fine" she said slowly "But, how about you? What were you doing anyway?" she asked with a soft voice but Billie Joe could hear a touch of fear in it.
"I ,um, was thinking" he answered and looked away. Which was stupid 'cause it reviled that he wasn't fully honest.
"Thinking?" Ady said in doubtful tone. He let go of her and scratched the back of his head then he turned his head towards her with a smile.
"Just thinking, I got ,um, lost in a memory" he explained sheepishly. How he had looked when she found him still lingered on in her mind but the fact that he seemed ok made her fear and doubt go away. She didn't even realize that he was faking.
"Ok, I'll go make breakfast" Ady said and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek "Hurry up! Oh, and go wake up the boys, will you?" she almost danced out 'cause she was relived to know he was fine. The very second she left Billie Joe's smile vanished. He did love her and would always smile for her since it made her happy. His smiles hadn't been totally false 'cause she was one of the few things in his life that actually made him truly happy. That's partly why he never would let her find out why he was acting strange. He would never let her find out 'cause he cared so much about her, but also 'cause no one could be trusted. This wasn't the first time he'd stopped and stared blankly into thin air, but maybe he hadn't looked scary those times, just lost in thoughts. He had to admit to himself that it was getting worse if 80 suspected something. Billie Joe came to the conclusion that she probably just had been worried about him and that she would soon forget it. Even though he had made up his mind and decided that his wife didn't know anything he still felt like she was on to him. Billie Joe didn't want to think that she knew but he couldn't help it. Maybe she had found out and was planing something. What if she had told Mike and even Tré? What if they all knew and planed something together? A conspiracy to stop him? He shook his head to get rid of the thoughts as he tried to convince himself that he had been too careful for them to understand what was going on. Hell, yeah, they didn't know anything, he had been so careful. So very, very careful. He kept repeating it to himself as he went to wake up his sons.
Later he sat on the floor in his and Ady's bedroom looking out through the window. The rain fell silently from the gray sky. He started humming on 'Wake Me Up When September Ends' but halfway through it he had to stop. Old memories, and with them wounds that never healed, came back into his mind with the song and tears started to fill his eyes. Billie Joe fell silent and just stared blankly into thin air. He still dragged his past with him. He didn't know why anymore, maybe he'd had a reason but it was long since forgotten. Why let the past come back to hunt you? Why let it cast a shadow over the present? He didn't have an answer to that. He just didn't know the reasons why. All he knew was that he had to become free from it, once and for all. It didn't help to just get rid of old photographs whether you burned them or ripped them up. The memories stayed.
"Forgetting you but not the time" he thought to himself as his thoughts took different road in his mind and found another memory. He was able to let go of some things. What he really wanted to leave behind, however, seemed to be rooted in his mind. It still drove him to harm himself. It partly caused his self-destructive behavior. It wasn't the reason he had such behavior but it did contribute to it none the less. As a matter of fact he felt like hurting himself in that very moment. It would feel kinda good to go get a razorblade and cut 'till the pain was gone. Billie Joe bit his lip and struggled with himself. If he cut his arms he would wound Ady's heart. That's the last thing he wanted to do. His desire to harm himself started to become overwhelming and he had to keep repeating that it would only hurt Ady and not help him in any way.
"Fuck, I'm going insane!" he cried out silently and buried his face in his hands. "Mustn't do it, mustn't do it! Fuck! I fuckin' have to dammit!" he almost jumped up and walked quickly towards the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and then leaned his back against it.
"Fuck" he muttered as he kept struggling not to do it. He was sweating all over and yet he felt cold and numb. He started to shake and felt dizzy. Billie Joe sunk down on the floor and pulled up his knees to his chin.
"Palpitation? Or, or am I havin' a heart attack?" he thought, feeling like his heart was trying to kill him. Chills ran through his body. Then there was a pressure over his chest that made him feel like he was suffocating.
"Oh God, I'm going crazy!" he moaned as he struggled for air. "I... don't... want... to go... insane" he pleaded and tears started to roll down his face. "Please... just... let me... let me die! No... I don't want... to die... either! Help me, please let it end!" Billie Joe collapsed on the floor still struggling for air and begged for it to end. Finally he could breathe normally again and his heart was beating steady, fast, but steady. He groaned as he sat up.
"I'm really fucked up today. Really. Badly. Fucked up" he muttered and got up to wash of his face. The cold water felt good against his hot skin. It helped a little; it made him feel slightly better. "I should really stop drinking booze. I've been told to avoid it." he continued to mumble. "Well, I didn't drink anything today and that's good. No good to drink when you suffer from panic attacks."
"Billie Joe, love" she said in such low voice it almost was a whisper. He didn't seem to hear her. She cleared her throat and said his name again. This time Billie Joe noticed that he wasn't alone. He turned towards her with a warm smile and his eyes that seconds ago had been so empty where now full of life.
"Hi, didn't see ya" he said and pulled her in for a kiss but she turned her head away. "Aww, don't teas me like that!" he whined and made a puppy dog face. He looked absolutely adorably but his behavior scared her. He was acting strange, even stranger than usual. He looked at her with a worried expression like she was the one who wasn't ok.
"You ok?" he asked and she gave him a questioning look. He tilted his head a little to the left and gave her a sweet smile. Ady couldn't help smiling back at him and when she did his eyes twinkled happily.
"Yeah, I'm fine" she said slowly "But, how about you? What were you doing anyway?" she asked with a soft voice but Billie Joe could hear a touch of fear in it.
"I ,um, was thinking" he answered and looked away. Which was stupid 'cause it reviled that he wasn't fully honest.
"Thinking?" Ady said in doubtful tone. He let go of her and scratched the back of his head then he turned his head towards her with a smile.
"Just thinking, I got ,um, lost in a memory" he explained sheepishly. How he had looked when she found him still lingered on in her mind but the fact that he seemed ok made her fear and doubt go away. She didn't even realize that he was faking.
"Ok, I'll go make breakfast" Ady said and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek "Hurry up! Oh, and go wake up the boys, will you?" she almost danced out 'cause she was relived to know he was fine. The very second she left Billie Joe's smile vanished. He did love her and would always smile for her since it made her happy. His smiles hadn't been totally false 'cause she was one of the few things in his life that actually made him truly happy. That's partly why he never would let her find out why he was acting strange. He would never let her find out 'cause he cared so much about her, but also 'cause no one could be trusted. This wasn't the first time he'd stopped and stared blankly into thin air, but maybe he hadn't looked scary those times, just lost in thoughts. He had to admit to himself that it was getting worse if 80 suspected something. Billie Joe came to the conclusion that she probably just had been worried about him and that she would soon forget it. Even though he had made up his mind and decided that his wife didn't know anything he still felt like she was on to him. Billie Joe didn't want to think that she knew but he couldn't help it. Maybe she had found out and was planing something. What if she had told Mike and even Tré? What if they all knew and planed something together? A conspiracy to stop him? He shook his head to get rid of the thoughts as he tried to convince himself that he had been too careful for them to understand what was going on. Hell, yeah, they didn't know anything, he had been so careful. So very, very careful. He kept repeating it to himself as he went to wake up his sons.
Later he sat on the floor in his and Ady's bedroom looking out through the window. The rain fell silently from the gray sky. He started humming on 'Wake Me Up When September Ends' but halfway through it he had to stop. Old memories, and with them wounds that never healed, came back into his mind with the song and tears started to fill his eyes. Billie Joe fell silent and just stared blankly into thin air. He still dragged his past with him. He didn't know why anymore, maybe he'd had a reason but it was long since forgotten. Why let the past come back to hunt you? Why let it cast a shadow over the present? He didn't have an answer to that. He just didn't know the reasons why. All he knew was that he had to become free from it, once and for all. It didn't help to just get rid of old photographs whether you burned them or ripped them up. The memories stayed.
"Forgetting you but not the time" he thought to himself as his thoughts took different road in his mind and found another memory. He was able to let go of some things. What he really wanted to leave behind, however, seemed to be rooted in his mind. It still drove him to harm himself. It partly caused his self-destructive behavior. It wasn't the reason he had such behavior but it did contribute to it none the less. As a matter of fact he felt like hurting himself in that very moment. It would feel kinda good to go get a razorblade and cut 'till the pain was gone. Billie Joe bit his lip and struggled with himself. If he cut his arms he would wound Ady's heart. That's the last thing he wanted to do. His desire to harm himself started to become overwhelming and he had to keep repeating that it would only hurt Ady and not help him in any way.
"Fuck, I'm going insane!" he cried out silently and buried his face in his hands. "Mustn't do it, mustn't do it! Fuck! I fuckin' have to dammit!" he almost jumped up and walked quickly towards the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and then leaned his back against it.
"Fuck" he muttered as he kept struggling not to do it. He was sweating all over and yet he felt cold and numb. He started to shake and felt dizzy. Billie Joe sunk down on the floor and pulled up his knees to his chin.
"Palpitation? Or, or am I havin' a heart attack?" he thought, feeling like his heart was trying to kill him. Chills ran through his body. Then there was a pressure over his chest that made him feel like he was suffocating.
"Oh God, I'm going crazy!" he moaned as he struggled for air. "I... don't... want... to go... insane" he pleaded and tears started to roll down his face. "Please... just... let me... let me die! No... I don't want... to die... either! Help me, please let it end!" Billie Joe collapsed on the floor still struggling for air and begged for it to end. Finally he could breathe normally again and his heart was beating steady, fast, but steady. He groaned as he sat up.
"I'm really fucked up today. Really. Badly. Fucked up" he muttered and got up to wash of his face. The cold water felt good against his hot skin. It helped a little; it made him feel slightly better. "I should really stop drinking booze. I've been told to avoid it." he continued to mumble. "Well, I didn't drink anything today and that's good. No good to drink when you suffer from panic attacks."
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