Billie Joe Decided to Shut the Door to His Past, Once and For All, chapter 11
You can read new chapters of this story and post comments on Mibba.
Mike tilted his head in an almost unnoticeable nod. Billie Joe curled his lips in yet another insane smile and let go of Mike's neck. Mike rubbed it and gulped. He wasn't fully sure what he'd agreed to but it had seemed to be the only way to prevent Billie Joe form ending his life by strangling him. Mike still stubbornly believed that his friend never would do anything like that, mostly 'cause he had to since otherwise he would go crazy himself. However, he began to doubt it more and more. And it scared him. Mike realized that he hadn't been able to avoid stepping on the landmine. Now he was stuck an every move he did would be a wrong move. He had got himself into a hopeless situation. He didn't want to tell the other two about the letter and about his suspicions but in a way he did want to, he wanted to help Billie Joe. If he told them God knows what BJ might do and if he didn't. Well, that might even prove to be worse. Mike sighted and shook his head. No matter what he did he was screwed.
"Do you got aspirin?" he asked Adie tiredly rubbing his temples. Both Adie and Tré looked at him like he was crazy too. How could he act like nothing had happened? Billie Joe started to laugh again but this time he sounded normal.
"Gottcha!" he laughed and pointed at Tré clutching his stomach since Tré's jaw had dropped to the floor. Billie Joe laughed just as much at his wife who had eyes as big as plates.
"That is so not funny!" Adie yelled at him angrily.
"You're one fucked up motherfucker! I thought you had gone all crazy on us and you were only joking! You're sick man! Sick!" Tré blurred out not knowing whether to feel relived, angry or both.
"Heh, yeah I know but admit that it was a tiny bit funny!" Billie Joe said still laughing a little. "You should see the look on your faces."
"No, it wasn't. Not at all" Adie muttered and then she turned around and left. Billie Joe shrugged his shoulders at her like he didn't understand what she was so upset about.
"It wasn't funny BJ. It honestly wasn't." Tré said when he had got himself together. "Did you know about this joke Mike?" he then asked his friend. Mike didn't answer, he looked away avoiding eye contact with Tré. Tré noticed that he looked somewhat guilty though. He shook his head at his two friends as he too left. Billie Joe and Mike looked at each other. Mike noticed how worn and tired his friend looked. He looked like he had no energy left.
"I know it's just a word but, I'm sorry." Billie Joe whispered "I don't want to hurt you Mike, I hope you know that. It's just that I'm so tired of seeing you, and others close to me, suffer because of me. Because of my past."
Mike nodded at his friend. He put his arm around Billie Joe's shoulders and together they left the room and the shattered mirror behind.
"What do you do when your past creates your future and the past is all fucked up?" Billie Joe asked Mike in a low voice. Mike glanced at Billie Joe unsure how to answer.
"You form a new past. Change your habits and stuff like that so the days you put behind is worth remembering and looking back on, and creates a good future." Mike said after chewing on his reply. Billie Joe nodded deep in thought.
"But you can't change what have happened" Billie Joe said "So how do you change the past for the better?"
"No, you got me wrong man. You can't do much about the past you already got but you get more past every day so you just make everyday worth living and uh, well. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here" Mike trailed off feeling a bit confused.
"You can't do anything about what has happened then?" Billie Joe wondered with something that sounded like panic in his voice.
"Sure you can, just forget it and don't let it rule your life" Mike said shrugging his shoulders. To him it was so obvious how to let go of what had happened and concentrated on the present that he didn't know how to explain it.
"What if you can't forget?" Billie Joe mumbled and Mike wasn't sure if his friend asked him or just spoke his thoughts aloud.
"C'mon! The past is dead anyway so why care?" Mike sighted for the moment not thinking about what was wrong with his friend. He had figured it out but his head hurt too much and he was too tired to realize why Billie Joe was asking the questions he did.
"And if it's not dead?" Billie Joe asked his eye's gleaming with somewhat of the insanity he that had been leaking through earlier. Mike didn't notice that however and just sighted again. He tilted his head slightly backwards and asked 'Why? ' silently to himself.
"I dunno, you get rid off it I suppose" he answered tiredly not thinking much about what he said.
"Yes, that is the only way, isn't it? It's the right thing to do, I'm glad you think so too Mike." Billie Joe said sounding a bit happy and for some reason, that Mike couldn't understand, very relived.
"I want an explanation! And I want it NOW!" Adie demanded and pointed at her housebound. Tré nodded concurring and Billie Joe glared at him which made him stop immediately with a terrified look on his face. They where gathered in the kitchen to sort out what had happen and what was going on with Billie Joe, and what was up with Mike as well.
"What is there to explain? It was a joke," Billie Joe said with a laid back attitude.
"Really, and you expect us to believe that?" she asked and he just shrugged his shoulders. Adie made a frustrated sound.
"C'mon baby! It's not a big deal," her housebound said sounding a bit bored. He didn't pay attention and kept letting his gaze wander around the room nonchalantly.
"It is! I don't believe that this is just some stupid joke of yours! You've acted weird, done strange things and said stuff. What's wrong?" Adie was both angry and miserable. She just couldn't understand why Billie Joe refused to tell them what was going on. This time she didn't even get an answer from him and irritated she turned her attention towards Mike.
"Tell me Micheal, did you know about this 'joke'?" Adie asked with a low and cold voice.
The expression on Mike's face changed a few times, form tired to angry and from that to almost hateful. Then it was unreadable.
"Partly" he said with a neutral voice. Adie's eyes narrowed.
"Who's idea was it?" she wanted to know. Mike's lips curled slightly but there was no joy in his smile.
"Whom do you think?" he asked instead of answering her. His smile grew slightly bigger and his eyes a little more weary.
"I hate you" she hissed at him. It irritated her so much that he never really answered one single question. It had never happened, at least not that she knew of. She wanted to give him the blame, she wanted to so much but something about the way he acted made it seem like Billie Joe was guilty. Adie couldn't put her finger on it but she knew it. It seemed like Mike wasn't answering her questions 'cause he didn't want to give BJ away. In Mike's eyes it flickered of rage and hurt. Several persons had said those three words to him and he'd always tried not to care but in vain. One can never get used to being hated. At the time Mike felt both hated, rejected and unwanted.
"Micheal don't fuck around! Just tell us man, what's up with you and BJ?" Tré spitted out all of a sudden without thinking. His words went like razors over Mike's mind and feelings leaving deep scars. Tré's impetuous outburst affected Billie Joe as well. Till then he'd just sat quiet ignoring them and everything going on around him.
"Still talking about me instead of to me are you Tré?" he asked raising an eyebrow at his friend. Tré bit his teeth together looking at Billie Joe somewhat scared. "What? Are you afraid of me Tré? Do you think I'm gonna bite your head of if you talk to me?" Billie Joe continued with an amused and half-mocking smile playing on his lips.
"Eh, n-no," Tré said his voice trembling slightly. Billie Joe laughed and rolled his eyes at poor Tré who was close to terrified.
"Shut it Billie!" Adie snapped at her housebound which made him turn his attention towards her instead forgetting Tré, at least for the moment. He looked very hurt and angry but she was too irritated to care.
"Fine," he hissed and scrambled to his feet. "Fine!" he repeated as he swiftly walked away. They could here a door slam shut somewhere in the house. Then everything was absolutely quiet for a few minutes.
"Micheal," Adie started with a tensed and hateful voice but she was interrupted.
"What every you wanna say or ask, well I couldn't care less," Mike said cutting her short. His blue eyes were very cold, almost like there were made of ice.
"So you're just gonna go home like that? We haven't sorted things out yet! And, eh well, yeah so. You're not ok, eh, we need to talk ya know? Man, ya know what's up with BJ right? So, so you gotta stay and explain everything and and and," Tré trailed of as he noticed that Mike truly didn't seem to care. Once again Tré felt like he was going to be sick, his stomach twisted and turned. The look Mike gave him was frosty. Tré thought that ones eyes are mirrors of the soul, and Mike's soul seemed to have frozen.
"I'm not going home, I don't have one" Mike said and without another word he too left. This time the front door could be heard being slammed shut.
"Well, maybe I should leave as well so you 'n BJ can talk. I guess ya need to talk so, yeah. Bye," Tré rattled on slightly absent-minded. He bumped into a chair when he walked towards the kitchen door.
"Oh, didn't see it," he mumbled. When he got to the doorway ha waved at Adie trying to smile encouraging. "See ya soon! Don't worry, things will be ok. I'm sure they'll be in the end," he assured her trying to believe in what he said himself. Adie smiled back at him weakly knowing that it wasn't true. It's wasn't going to be all right. Everything was a goddamn mess. Including her.
Billie Joe's first thought when he'd left the kitchen had been to head straight to the bathroom. The reason was simply that his head had been filled with one thought and one thought only. To end it all smooth and quick. Just two deep cuts and all the pain would be gone, gone forever. If he took his life he didn't have to listen to St. Jimmy anymore, he didn't have to hurt or get hurt and all problems would be salved. Something held him back though. It wasn't the knowledge of hurting Adie anymore. She'd showed that she didn't care. That's what it looked like from his point of view. Neither was it thoughts about hurting Mike or Tré. Billie Joe believed that Tré cared more about Adie then about him. Mike. Could Mike be the reason? No, 'cause Mike was so down, hurt and angry that he was likely to kill himself if Billie Joe gave up life. If he died he didn't suffer. So no one of them where the reason Billie Joe clung to life. He just couldn't understand it. Why didn't he just commit suicide? What held him back? His sons perhaps. He loved them indescribable much but he was sure they didn't love him. Billie Joe believed for some reason that he didn't deserve being loved and therefore he wasn't.
"Why?" Billie Joe mumbled but he was unable to answer his question. He wanted to feel all the pain leave him along with his life. It would be wonderful to drain they agony out of the body and watch it form a puddle on the floor together with the blood. What wouldn't it be like to be embraced by darkness, to slip away into nothingness? To become free. Billie Joe got up from the floor where he'd been sitting. He looked around the bedroom and then out. It was dark and the light coming through the window was bleak. A black could fill the sky promising rain. Everything was dark. The whole world was covered in shadows. Just like Billie Joe's mind. A strong wind started to blow outside and it whispered about destruction. He walked over to the window and opened it. The rain started to fall. At first it was still drizzle but it quickly turned into a pelting rain. Billie Joe leaned out. He lifted his head so he faced the sky. The raindrops found there way down his face like tears. Soon he was soaked from his head to his waste. Billie Joe sighted and walked away from the window. Tiredly he leaned against one of the walls. He sunk down on the floor and pulled his knees up to his jaw rocking slightly back and forth. The raindrop that tickled his cheeks remained him of all the tears he'd cry. He couldn't cry anymore though. There was no reason to cry. No reason for anything. On the inside he was already half-dead so why not just put it to an end? Billie Joe slowly got up and headed towards the closet. He was heading for disaster as the wind kept whispering about destruction, or was it the voices that spoke? He opened the closet and pulled out a box from its hiding place at the top shelf. His hand shook a little when he opened it and took out the item inside. Billie Joe couldn't quite grasp why his hands were shaking. Neither could he understand the reason his stomach twisted and made him feel sick. Fear, insecurity and he'sitation was nothing more than words flashing by. A wrapping of apathy covered his mind preventing those words from meaning anything. The only thought that stuck was freedom. Freedom through death. He lifted up the item in his hand looking at it closely. It trembled almost unnoticeable in his shaking hands. Billie Joe looked at it.
"Uptight, I'm a nag with a gun. All night suicides last call," he sang silently humming a little while. Then he stopped to look, once again, at the gun in his hands studying it. It was a clock 17.
"Calibre: 9 X 19mm, length: 202mm, barrel length: 4. 5 inches, weight: 625g, Capacity: 17 rounds," Billie Joe mumbled to himself. "17 bullets," he giggled "I only need one."
"Do you got aspirin?" he asked Adie tiredly rubbing his temples. Both Adie and Tré looked at him like he was crazy too. How could he act like nothing had happened? Billie Joe started to laugh again but this time he sounded normal.
"Gottcha!" he laughed and pointed at Tré clutching his stomach since Tré's jaw had dropped to the floor. Billie Joe laughed just as much at his wife who had eyes as big as plates.
"That is so not funny!" Adie yelled at him angrily.
"You're one fucked up motherfucker! I thought you had gone all crazy on us and you were only joking! You're sick man! Sick!" Tré blurred out not knowing whether to feel relived, angry or both.
"Heh, yeah I know but admit that it was a tiny bit funny!" Billie Joe said still laughing a little. "You should see the look on your faces."
"No, it wasn't. Not at all" Adie muttered and then she turned around and left. Billie Joe shrugged his shoulders at her like he didn't understand what she was so upset about.
"It wasn't funny BJ. It honestly wasn't." Tré said when he had got himself together. "Did you know about this joke Mike?" he then asked his friend. Mike didn't answer, he looked away avoiding eye contact with Tré. Tré noticed that he looked somewhat guilty though. He shook his head at his two friends as he too left. Billie Joe and Mike looked at each other. Mike noticed how worn and tired his friend looked. He looked like he had no energy left.
"I know it's just a word but, I'm sorry." Billie Joe whispered "I don't want to hurt you Mike, I hope you know that. It's just that I'm so tired of seeing you, and others close to me, suffer because of me. Because of my past."
Mike nodded at his friend. He put his arm around Billie Joe's shoulders and together they left the room and the shattered mirror behind.
"What do you do when your past creates your future and the past is all fucked up?" Billie Joe asked Mike in a low voice. Mike glanced at Billie Joe unsure how to answer.
"You form a new past. Change your habits and stuff like that so the days you put behind is worth remembering and looking back on, and creates a good future." Mike said after chewing on his reply. Billie Joe nodded deep in thought.
"But you can't change what have happened" Billie Joe said "So how do you change the past for the better?"
"No, you got me wrong man. You can't do much about the past you already got but you get more past every day so you just make everyday worth living and uh, well. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here" Mike trailed off feeling a bit confused.
"You can't do anything about what has happened then?" Billie Joe wondered with something that sounded like panic in his voice.
"Sure you can, just forget it and don't let it rule your life" Mike said shrugging his shoulders. To him it was so obvious how to let go of what had happened and concentrated on the present that he didn't know how to explain it.
"What if you can't forget?" Billie Joe mumbled and Mike wasn't sure if his friend asked him or just spoke his thoughts aloud.
"C'mon! The past is dead anyway so why care?" Mike sighted for the moment not thinking about what was wrong with his friend. He had figured it out but his head hurt too much and he was too tired to realize why Billie Joe was asking the questions he did.
"And if it's not dead?" Billie Joe asked his eye's gleaming with somewhat of the insanity he that had been leaking through earlier. Mike didn't notice that however and just sighted again. He tilted his head slightly backwards and asked 'Why? ' silently to himself.
"I dunno, you get rid off it I suppose" he answered tiredly not thinking much about what he said.
"Yes, that is the only way, isn't it? It's the right thing to do, I'm glad you think so too Mike." Billie Joe said sounding a bit happy and for some reason, that Mike couldn't understand, very relived.
"I want an explanation! And I want it NOW!" Adie demanded and pointed at her housebound. Tré nodded concurring and Billie Joe glared at him which made him stop immediately with a terrified look on his face. They where gathered in the kitchen to sort out what had happen and what was going on with Billie Joe, and what was up with Mike as well.
"What is there to explain? It was a joke," Billie Joe said with a laid back attitude.
"Really, and you expect us to believe that?" she asked and he just shrugged his shoulders. Adie made a frustrated sound.
"C'mon baby! It's not a big deal," her housebound said sounding a bit bored. He didn't pay attention and kept letting his gaze wander around the room nonchalantly.
"It is! I don't believe that this is just some stupid joke of yours! You've acted weird, done strange things and said stuff. What's wrong?" Adie was both angry and miserable. She just couldn't understand why Billie Joe refused to tell them what was going on. This time she didn't even get an answer from him and irritated she turned her attention towards Mike.
"Tell me Micheal, did you know about this 'joke'?" Adie asked with a low and cold voice.
The expression on Mike's face changed a few times, form tired to angry and from that to almost hateful. Then it was unreadable.
"Partly" he said with a neutral voice. Adie's eyes narrowed.
"Who's idea was it?" she wanted to know. Mike's lips curled slightly but there was no joy in his smile.
"Whom do you think?" he asked instead of answering her. His smile grew slightly bigger and his eyes a little more weary.
"I hate you" she hissed at him. It irritated her so much that he never really answered one single question. It had never happened, at least not that she knew of. She wanted to give him the blame, she wanted to so much but something about the way he acted made it seem like Billie Joe was guilty. Adie couldn't put her finger on it but she knew it. It seemed like Mike wasn't answering her questions 'cause he didn't want to give BJ away. In Mike's eyes it flickered of rage and hurt. Several persons had said those three words to him and he'd always tried not to care but in vain. One can never get used to being hated. At the time Mike felt both hated, rejected and unwanted.
"Micheal don't fuck around! Just tell us man, what's up with you and BJ?" Tré spitted out all of a sudden without thinking. His words went like razors over Mike's mind and feelings leaving deep scars. Tré's impetuous outburst affected Billie Joe as well. Till then he'd just sat quiet ignoring them and everything going on around him.
"Still talking about me instead of to me are you Tré?" he asked raising an eyebrow at his friend. Tré bit his teeth together looking at Billie Joe somewhat scared. "What? Are you afraid of me Tré? Do you think I'm gonna bite your head of if you talk to me?" Billie Joe continued with an amused and half-mocking smile playing on his lips.
"Eh, n-no," Tré said his voice trembling slightly. Billie Joe laughed and rolled his eyes at poor Tré who was close to terrified.
"Shut it Billie!" Adie snapped at her housebound which made him turn his attention towards her instead forgetting Tré, at least for the moment. He looked very hurt and angry but she was too irritated to care.
"Fine," he hissed and scrambled to his feet. "Fine!" he repeated as he swiftly walked away. They could here a door slam shut somewhere in the house. Then everything was absolutely quiet for a few minutes.
"Micheal," Adie started with a tensed and hateful voice but she was interrupted.
"What every you wanna say or ask, well I couldn't care less," Mike said cutting her short. His blue eyes were very cold, almost like there were made of ice.
"So you're just gonna go home like that? We haven't sorted things out yet! And, eh well, yeah so. You're not ok, eh, we need to talk ya know? Man, ya know what's up with BJ right? So, so you gotta stay and explain everything and and and," Tré trailed of as he noticed that Mike truly didn't seem to care. Once again Tré felt like he was going to be sick, his stomach twisted and turned. The look Mike gave him was frosty. Tré thought that ones eyes are mirrors of the soul, and Mike's soul seemed to have frozen.
"I'm not going home, I don't have one" Mike said and without another word he too left. This time the front door could be heard being slammed shut.
"Well, maybe I should leave as well so you 'n BJ can talk. I guess ya need to talk so, yeah. Bye," Tré rattled on slightly absent-minded. He bumped into a chair when he walked towards the kitchen door.
"Oh, didn't see it," he mumbled. When he got to the doorway ha waved at Adie trying to smile encouraging. "See ya soon! Don't worry, things will be ok. I'm sure they'll be in the end," he assured her trying to believe in what he said himself. Adie smiled back at him weakly knowing that it wasn't true. It's wasn't going to be all right. Everything was a goddamn mess. Including her.
Billie Joe's first thought when he'd left the kitchen had been to head straight to the bathroom. The reason was simply that his head had been filled with one thought and one thought only. To end it all smooth and quick. Just two deep cuts and all the pain would be gone, gone forever. If he took his life he didn't have to listen to St. Jimmy anymore, he didn't have to hurt or get hurt and all problems would be salved. Something held him back though. It wasn't the knowledge of hurting Adie anymore. She'd showed that she didn't care. That's what it looked like from his point of view. Neither was it thoughts about hurting Mike or Tré. Billie Joe believed that Tré cared more about Adie then about him. Mike. Could Mike be the reason? No, 'cause Mike was so down, hurt and angry that he was likely to kill himself if Billie Joe gave up life. If he died he didn't suffer. So no one of them where the reason Billie Joe clung to life. He just couldn't understand it. Why didn't he just commit suicide? What held him back? His sons perhaps. He loved them indescribable much but he was sure they didn't love him. Billie Joe believed for some reason that he didn't deserve being loved and therefore he wasn't.
"Why?" Billie Joe mumbled but he was unable to answer his question. He wanted to feel all the pain leave him along with his life. It would be wonderful to drain they agony out of the body and watch it form a puddle on the floor together with the blood. What wouldn't it be like to be embraced by darkness, to slip away into nothingness? To become free. Billie Joe got up from the floor where he'd been sitting. He looked around the bedroom and then out. It was dark and the light coming through the window was bleak. A black could fill the sky promising rain. Everything was dark. The whole world was covered in shadows. Just like Billie Joe's mind. A strong wind started to blow outside and it whispered about destruction. He walked over to the window and opened it. The rain started to fall. At first it was still drizzle but it quickly turned into a pelting rain. Billie Joe leaned out. He lifted his head so he faced the sky. The raindrops found there way down his face like tears. Soon he was soaked from his head to his waste. Billie Joe sighted and walked away from the window. Tiredly he leaned against one of the walls. He sunk down on the floor and pulled his knees up to his jaw rocking slightly back and forth. The raindrop that tickled his cheeks remained him of all the tears he'd cry. He couldn't cry anymore though. There was no reason to cry. No reason for anything. On the inside he was already half-dead so why not just put it to an end? Billie Joe slowly got up and headed towards the closet. He was heading for disaster as the wind kept whispering about destruction, or was it the voices that spoke? He opened the closet and pulled out a box from its hiding place at the top shelf. His hand shook a little when he opened it and took out the item inside. Billie Joe couldn't quite grasp why his hands were shaking. Neither could he understand the reason his stomach twisted and made him feel sick. Fear, insecurity and he'sitation was nothing more than words flashing by. A wrapping of apathy covered his mind preventing those words from meaning anything. The only thought that stuck was freedom. Freedom through death. He lifted up the item in his hand looking at it closely. It trembled almost unnoticeable in his shaking hands. Billie Joe looked at it.
"Uptight, I'm a nag with a gun. All night suicides last call," he sang silently humming a little while. Then he stopped to look, once again, at the gun in his hands studying it. It was a clock 17.
"Calibre: 9 X 19mm, length: 202mm, barrel length: 4. 5 inches, weight: 625g, Capacity: 17 rounds," Billie Joe mumbled to himself. "17 bullets," he giggled "I only need one."
